Online Solutions for Life Challenges © Martyn Carruthers
Do you want to manage negative emotions and solve relationship problems
Useful steps towards transformation include finding a stable experience of connectedness and using this experience to support a life that makes sense.
We call this stable experience of connectedness Integrity or Soul.
From a perspective of Soul, sorting out emotions, relationships, beliefs and habits becomes relatively simple and straightforward.
Useful Steps in Personal Transformation
- Have you suffered enough to find your inspiration to change your life?
- Are you motivated to solve problems – not just to complain about them?
- Choose between short-term relief and lasting solutions. (Long-term solutions require changes in lifestyle and relationships).
- Create a timetable. Ensure that your final goals are EXACTLY what you want. Each step should be solution oriented, and include consequences.
- Explore the consequences of changes in your relationships to your family, friends and co-workers. Most people want to reduce suffering. See Dependent Relationships
- We help people manage guilt, mentor damage or depression. This is time to check your relationships – especially with your families and past partners. Are you “frozen” into your family’s habits? We can help you defrost old habits, clarify your relationships and find peaceful solutions to your problems.
- Find and stabilize your experience of integrity (Soul) as a basis for long-term transformation. Then you can restructure your relationships, manage traumatic memories and choose inspirational role-models.
We help people find solutions for neurotic and addictive behavior, such as compulsions, addictions, relationship habits and emotional problems. We can also help people alleviate some psychosomatic symptoms, which occasionally seems to accelerate the healing of disease.
We start with an interview in which we discuss goals and problems. During this interview we and our clients determine whether our coaching is appropriate for them and their goals. People who know their goals, complaints, motivation and maturity can better decide if they are ready and willing to change, and whether to invest time with us.
People in a crisis may be unable to focus on their goals. People in crisis (e.g.: divorce; war; chronic pain; unwanted pregnancy; unemployment; etc) often behave childishly and cannot focus on long-term goals.
Coaching people who are preoccupied with a crisis usually requires that we try to help those people sort out crisis first – or refer those people to appropriate professionals.
We can help you manage your emotions and solve relationship problems. Then you can better fulfill your goals. If you carry guilt from having betrayed, abandoned or hurt people, you may sabotage your success and depress your happiness until you atone for the behavior … or until your discover that your guilt was just a mistake.
If you were damaged by previous mentorship or if your life lacks sense, lasting changework would be difficult until you manage any mentor damage or depression.
Goal Diagnosis: Recognize Consequences & Objections
Motivated people can define their goals while resolving their objections to their own success. As you sort out your objections, you can improve or fine-tune your goals. (Otherwise – simple changes could take months instead of minutes.) For example, you may want to be happy – but your inner conflicts or limiting beliefs prevent you from achieving your goal.
1. Resolve Guilt and Conflicts
We perceive guilt to be a type of conflict, and resolving a conflict is often a step towards integrity. Few conflicts are simple decisions – more often a conflict is just a tip of an emotional iceberg. (See this transcript about coaching people with complex conflict).
2. Resolve Identity Loss
Some people lose part of their sense of identity during abuse or trauma. We call this identity loss. They may identify with other people (identification). They may show identifications by sentences such as: “I have always …” or “Since I was born …“. (We teach resolving identity loss in Systems.)
3: Relationship Bonds
We use the term relationship bonds to refer to feelings of connection that often show up as fixed limiting beliefs. People bonded to past partners (see emotional incest) or missing siblings, for example, may feel unable to live life fully. We help people change limiting beliefs and relationship bonds.
4: Assimilate Trauma
Strong emotions that can sabotage important goals are usually associated with traumatic experiences . (E.g. “I am overwhelmed with sadness when I remember that event.”) The sources of negative emotions often include abuse. We help people rationalize or assimilate trauma, after which they find the once-disturbing emotions to be motivating. (E.g. “Sadness about my loss now reminds me to make the most of my life”). See Trauma and PTSD
5: Evaluate Role Models
Role models are people from whom other people can learn behaviors and attitudes. After dissolving guilt and trauma, people can choose whether to replace ineffective or toxic role models – and any damaging beliefs and unwanted behaviors that were inspired by them (mentor damage).
Choose which influences you want to keep, and change
unwanted behavior, in alignment with your desire for life.
We help people resolve emotional and relationship issues
Notes on Disease
 Somatic or psychosomatic? – Do symptoms disappear following a non-medical change in lifestyle (a change in diet, home, relationships etc). Many physicians have told us that their patients with psychosomatic symptoms outnumber those patients with somatic diseases.
 Physical disease, trauma or surgery that has destroyed or removed non-renewable tissue is unlikely to be reversible. In these situations, we help people manage their negative emotional reactions to disease, disability or impending death.