Weapons of Self-Destruction © Martyn Carruthers

Do you want to manage your emotions and solve relationship problems?

Codependent behavior is a common consequence of immature parenting. Codependency is not depression nor anxiety. Nor is it a hope that a partner become mature and responsible. Codependence is about self-destruction.

Do you have habits that you know will bring unpleasant, painful or unwanted consequences? Do you do things that you don’t enjoy for people you don’t like?
Do you try to make people to do things for you?

I’ll show you … I’ll hurt me!

Is Codependence about You?

Do you often feel unfulfilled? Do you avoid being direct? Do you avoid asserting yourself when you are in need? Do you try to do everything perfectly? Do you try to  manipulate people who try to manipulate you?

Codependence is a tendency to behave in overly passive or caretaking ways that impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It often involves putting one’s needs at a low priority while being preoccupied with the needs of others. Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including in families, at work, in friendships, and also in romantic, peer or community relationships. Codependency may be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, compliance, and/or control. Wikipedia

Codependence is about addictive relationships. In psychology literature, the most described codependent relationships are between addicts and rescuers … yet the most common forms that we see are mother-son, father-daughter and therapist-client.

The consequences of covert emotional incest include adults who cannot enjoy mature partnership. (Beware of codependent therapists who specialize in their own issues).

Are you entangled in a destructive relationship? Do you sabotage healthy relationships? Do you try to hide yourself? Codependent behavior may be linked to bipolar disorder, depression and stress. We also associate codependence with anxiety and hypochondria.

Codependence is normal in some cultures. If you are healthy and independent, you may be called selfish, arrogant and uncaring by people who prefer parasitic, symbiotic or codependent relationships. Evaluate the messages in television romances and the lyrics of popular love songs!

Codependent Relationships

Mature people in healthy relationships resolve conflicts openly and quickly. Immature people in unhealthy relationships often hide conflicts until they emotionally explode … often over tiny details. We coach individuals, couples, families and teams to solve problems and build healthy relationships.

Some people seem disconnected from others. They have few or no friends, and often suffer unpleasant relationships with family members or work colleagues. For disconnected people, codependence may be a step towards health – a step away from isolation – and a step away from suicide.

Codependency is like an addiction … in a codependent relationship, you cannot be yourself. You must hide your identity and what you want. To do this, you probably have deep beliefs about not being good enough or unworthy, and that you can only express love by denial, suffering and sacrifice.

If you are an adult, and a child in your family perceives you as a victim, that child may identify with you and suffer victim identification, often blaming or even hating the person whom that child perceives as your victimizer. Such children can suffer chronic anger and ongoing suspicion.

Codependence may also follow a vanishing twin, in which a twin dies during early pregnancy. This death of a twin may have a huge (unconscious) impact on the life of the surviving womb-twin, who may continually seek a Soul Mate, and suffer a chain of codependent relationships.

Many cults, sects and extremist organizations attract codependent and dependent people. Our exit coaching can help people leave cult-like organizations and live a life based on independence and emotional freedom.

Professional Codependence

Codependent people forget who they are. Although popular, codependence is a terrible basis for learning life coaching, counseling or therapy.

Martyn, your provocation, candor and clarity was so refreshing.
My therapist had lovingly reinforced my fears about my inadequacies,
disempowered me with her sympathy and convinced me that I was a victim.

Codependent helping professionals cannot support healthy independence, and may try to sabotage your relationships! Codependent counselors may delay your recovery to prolong their obsessions to be helpers … and expect you to finance their obsession.

Are you a helping professional? Can you work without sympathy?
Healthy relationships are the best healing agents.

Self Evaluation

Even though you may long for peace and happiness – do you sabotage yourself?

  • Do you forget what you want?
  • Do you want people to look after you?
  • Do you have difficulty saying what you want?

We can help you explore what you want, and how you want to achieve it. Defining and achieving goals reflects your sense of life. We can coach you to mature – to live with integrity – the core of who you are.

Denial & Procrastination

Do you …

  • avoid feeling any emotions?
  • avoid expressing your feelings?
  • minimize, distort or deny how you feel?

Many therapists define hypnosis as uncritical acceptance of suggestion. If you are unaware of their suggestions, you may accept them thoughtlessly. Do you guard the doors of your perception? Or are you following post-hypnotic suggestions?

  • Can you state your own opinions?
  • Are you loyal to people who hurt or harm you?
  • Are you dedicated to other people’s happiness?
  • Do you participate in sex when you don’t want to?

Psychosomatic symptoms are common amongst people who do not communicate their personal truth. Their bodies communicate for them – sometimes in unpleasant ways. Does your body communicate (through symptoms) something you avoid telling?

  • Do you offer endless good advice?
  • Do you act as if people need your care?
  • Do you offer or withhold food or sex to get what you want?
  • Do you tell people what they should think and how they should feel?

Contact us if you want to resolve emotional or relationship problems.