Table of Contents
Find Peace and Emotional Relief © Martyn Carruthers
Were you or your partner abused? Do you suffer unpleasant emotions?
Do you want to untangle your life and enjoy healthier relationships?
Solve the Consequences of Abuse
Healing the past need not mean pretending that any abuse wasn’t so bad –
it means that you end any depression and that you create a worthwhile future.
I loosely define abuse as trauma, believed to have been caused deliberately and with malice, and trauma as events that caused people to fragment or split-off parts of their core identity. Such split-off parts are sometimes called ego-states, complexes or inner children. We help people assimilate or integrate split-off parts.
Abuse is about dominance and control and may be accompanied by emotional displays, threats, lies, broken promises and humiliation.
Abusers and their victims usually bond in unpleasant ways. Most abusers were abused themselves, and bonded to their abusers. Like twisted, entangled chains, it can be difficult to find the source.
Abused people often act like disturbed children, and both abusers and their victims may try to enmesh other people into webs of confusion and codependence.
My wife calls me alcoholic … but if I stopped drinking
I know that I would leave her, leave my home and leave my children.
Most abusers justify their actions, even as they violate your values and your trust. Inquisition priests would torture you for the good of your soul. Salespeople may manipulate you to help you buy. Employers may bully you to increase your productivity. Interviewers may pry into your life for the benefit of an organization.
Most abusers avoid responsibility for their behavior. Abusers often claim to be victims and victims often try to dominate other people. In abusive situations, cause and effect rarely make complete sense. You can explore the underlying fixations, identity loss and transferences to provide essential missing information for lasting solutions.
Victims of abuse may seem childish – hungry for affection, security and validation. For example some people stay in abusive relationships to avoid loneliness, at least until they cease tolerating the abuse.
Adult victims of childhood abuse may show similar symptoms whenever memories of the abuse are triggered. They may become abusive themselves, perhaps creating a new generation of entanglement. Abuse is often repeated across many generations.
Physical & Emotional Abuse
Physical abuse is deliberate violence, made by people who express their power by causing injury or pain. Domestic violence refers to threats, attempts, or violence by family members or by people you live with or have lived with. Domestic violence by trusted relatives often has more emotional consequences than physical abuse by angry strangers (e.g. in a war).
ANYTHING can be called emotional abuse! Saying or not saying “Good morning” can be called abuse – or intimidation, clarity, criticism, truth, manipulation or rejection. The consequences of perceived emotional abuse (real, imagined or exaggerated) can diminish self-confidence, self-image and self-esteem.
For example, some parents convince their children that they (the children) control the parents’ feelings. Emotionally mature parents are more likely to teach children that all emotions and feelings have value, and can be appropriately expressed.
Abusive relationships can range from parental criticism and school-teacher sarcasm to brutal interrogation or torture. The consequences include stress disorders (PTSD), depression, passive-aggression and chronic anxiety. We help abused people become emotionally mature, responsible and resourceful to resolve such issues.
- Can you be alert, strong yet flexible under stress?
- Can you manage (not just dissociate) your own emotions?
- Do you know when you are responsible for another people’s actions?
Many cults and cult-like organizations (including some training organizations, businesses, multi-level marketing (MLM) companies, military & paramilitary groups) abuse their members. Many people cannot leave abusive groups or organizations because of their psychological conditioning.
Some trainers abuse their students. Some helping professionals abuse their patients. Some gurus abuse their devotees. They may prescribe programs that they would not use themselves. They may show incompetence, immaturity, identity loss or codependence … and a desperate need to control other people.
Many abusive people are sociopaths. They may be easily frustrated and moody, and they may be unable to feel guilt or remorse. They may have no desire to change their behavior – until they are in a crisis themselves – when they often scream for help.
Abusers who want to change can acknowledge their problems and seek our help. (Pressuring abusers to change often results in passive-aggressive behavior: initial resistance followed by short-term compliance, and then by delayed aggression. This seems common in prison populations.)
Domestic Abuse & Child Abuse
Domestic abuse includes physical threats or emotional harm by relatives. While much abuse seems to be by immature adults who are lost in life, physical violence or bullying can result in people who feel constantly anxious, angry, confused or dependent.
The partners or spouses of abused people may suffer from their moodiness and emotional swings until the abuse is resolved. Also, some people who were abused may have “parts” of themselves that want to abuse other people. Women who were abandoned or abused by male relatives, for example, may find some satisfaction by abusing their husbands and/or sons and/or other men.
Common Family, Partner and Spouse Abuse
Older methods to control people included priests, cults and religions.
Modern methods include politicians, television and marketing.
The outcome is similar: docile, obedient populations.
Managers who abuse their staff may call their abuse effective management. If the abused staff can be made to believe they are somehow deficient, they may remain bonded to their boss by such shared limiting beliefs or relationship bonds.
Abusive managers are often incompetent or perfectionist. They want status, recognition and power. Employees who tolerate abuse often do not understand office politics. We coach managers to improve their management skills, and we help employees cope with abusive managers. See Managing Difficult Employees and Downsizing
Some salespeople are trained to use deceitful or hypnotic language. They try to build rapport, prolong negotiation and wear down resistance until you do what they want. Some abusive people are trained in NLP and covert hypnosis, and use techniques which allow them to abuse you – while all the time smiling.
- If you feel stressed, leave – or make the salesperson leave
- Ask friends to be present when you make substantial purchases
- Discuss details of a contract with a trusted person before signing it
- Many abusive people rely on your desire to be nice. You have other choices
Kidnapping & Interrogation
Although the United Nations Convention Against Torture prohibits the use of physical or mental pain to obtain information; you may be legally disconnected from your family, friends and society. Legal kidnappers may use your sexuality, family or religion against you. Illegal kidnappers may do anything they wish.
Interrogation may cause you to feel like a lost child. Your capture and detention may be to soften you for exploitation – to replace your sense of self with a confused sense of doom. You may be besieged with illogical, horrible statements until you age-regress – and then you may say anything to try to end the confusion.
Do you want to end the abuse and move on with your life?