Solutions for Family Problems © Martyn Carruthers
Are you entangled in family relationships and painful emotions?
Do you suffer from your parents’ drama or your partner’s moods?
We can help you untangle your relationships … and your life.
Most people have experiences which they never want to experience again. Yet many people tell us that they repeat these experiences. What do they need to learn?
Limiting beliefs and bad habits are common blocks to life goals, and often reflect relationship problems, childhood drama and ancestral bonds. We help people challenge unwanted beliefs and change unwanted habits. Our work is complete when adult family members can define both their goals, and they can plan appropriate steps to achieve those goals without further help.
Our family coaching is usually short-term and goal-oriented; with a focus on resolving specific relationship problems such as learning difficulties, relocation or bereavement.
As we perceive families as living organisms, we evaluate people in terms of their roles and responsibilities within their families. We coach people to understand, redesign and change their family relationship dynamics – we do not try to “fix” people.
In dysfunctional families, unhealthy behavior is normal!
Our approach integrates earlier approaches while stepping onto new ground. We offer the convenience of an overall sequence that is both simple and profoundly deep. Utilizing our home-grown model of rapid relationship diagnosis, we combine experiential mini-interventions reminiscent of the Gestalt approach.
Our work reflects elements of Virginia Satir’s questioning, Gregory Bateson’s research with psychosis, Bert Hellinger’s Family Constellations, Frank Farelly’s Provocative Therapy and Victor Frankl’s Logotherapy – in a solution-focused frame.
Our work differs from other approaches. We focus on goalwork, integrity and relationship ecology. We use our unique systemic psychology as a basis to rapidly dissolve transferences, identity loss, bonds and abuse. We help people experience integrity as a basis for changing toxic relationships.
Goalwork may sound easy. We ask you simple questions and pay attention to both your verbal and nonverbal responses. Consider the question What do you want?, and :
- What is your life purpose?
- What makes sense in your life?
- How will you know that you are fulfilling your life purpose?
Individual goalwork is not only essential important, it is good practice for the more complex work of counseling couples, families and teams. Systemic goals are usually more complex than individual goals and require high quality goal definition.
We help people use their desires to create a path to discover and experience their deepest selves! This experience of self or integrity, that we sometimes call Soul, can be a basis for living a meaningful life.
Integrity, in our systemic psychology, can be described as an transcendent experience of integration and connectedness. Experiences of integrity are a primary systemic goal, as these experiences help enable a rapid dissolution of unwanted trauma, bonds and transferences.
- Incomplete trauma resolution may precipitate relationship problems
- Relationship bonds represent beliefs that compel compliant behavior
- For us, transferences are forms of mistaken identity that trigger inappropriate motivations
Our systems work is primarily for motivated and responsible adults who want to consider the benefits and consequences of actions or lack of action – and then make decisions followed by action.
Evaluate Your Relationships
This table may help you assess family situations. While it seems easy to blame a family member who appears to cause problems, when we look at entire families, we often see a different picture.
Apparently problematic family members often carry family burdens … most commonly the parents’ refusal or inability to deal with their own issues. The consequences of this refusal can be horrible for the adult children.
|Healthy Families||Families in Trouble|
|Family members show appreciation and gratitude to each other||At least one member is often dissociated, irritated, depressed or critical|
|Family members respond to most verbal and nonverbal communications||At least one member ignores, avoids or shortens most communications|
|Family members review events in their history||They rarely review their relationship history|
|Family members greet after time apart and ask about each other’s activities and other news||At least one member rarely interacts with the others, without even silent intimacy|
|Family members enjoy meeting each other’s needs for passion, intimacy and commitment||At least one member ignores or criticizes other member’s goals and needs|
|Family members share goals and dreams, shared values and shared meanings.||At least one member avoids sharing goals, values or dreams|
|Family members share meals and housework together||At least one member prefers to cook or eat alone|
|Family members often meet or go out together||At least one member generally avoids the others and does things alone|
|Family members create events or projects which require committed cooperation||At least one member avoids or ignores family events and projects|
|Family members enjoy sharing life events and family happiness||At least one member wants to leave but cannot because of guilt, fear or other constraints|
|Family members respect most of each other’s choices, and politely discuss differences||At least one member shows contempt for the others’ decisions or demands changes|
|Family members want happiness together||At least one member prefers to avoid the others|
In phase 1 we offer people a series of choices, and help them make informed decisions. We discuss the likely consequences of those choices, based on our experience and knowledge. Each person chooses their own solutions.
During phase 2 of our systemic work, each member of the family is offered choices for how to continue. The resulting discussion allows a family to formulate their unique solutions to manage their problems and to reach their goals.
Phase 3 of our family counseling allows each member of a family system to evaluate and change the structure of family and external relationships.
Contact us to evaluate where you are now, where you want to be
and how to get from here to there.