Loving across an Age Gap © Martyn Carruthers

Do you suffer about an age difference with your partner?
Do people react to your and your partner’s ages?

If you are fortunate or clever enough to find a compatible partner, your ages are only numbers; yet your ages may seem important to observers.
We help couples resolve emotional and partnership problems.

Aging

We are born with an energy for living which, unless we actively restore it, fades with age. After about age 25, unless we replenish our energy with a good diet, exercise and healthy relationships, we may stop growing up and start growing old.

The deterioration of bodily functions that accompany aging is often seen as a one-way street to misery, suffering and death. Yet most of the changes associated with old age are not from natural aging but from unhealthy lifestyles.

As time passes, cellular damage accumulates and affects body functions. Common examples include obesity, hypertension and adult-onset diabetes, most of which you can manage with diet and exercise.

Is Age a State of Mind?

Age is important in relationships – both subjective age and body age. While an optimistic approach is that “You are only as old as you feel“, some older adults behave like needy children, while some younger adults show powerful maturity.

If you are attracted to someone significantly older or younger than you, move slowly. Younger people may be mature for their age, but they are still their age. Perhaps delay a commitment until you both feel ready and that you have aligned your life goals.

Older people may feel attracted to younger partners for many reasons. They may seek lively companionship, assurance that they are still attractive, and/or they may want to re-live their younger years. Conversely, younger adults who seek more mature partners may have tired of the immaturity of people their own age, and they prefer maturity, security and/or stability.

But increased age need not mean increased maturity …

You can enjoy a secure, loving relationship with a significant age difference … if you and your partner understand the issues and work together to manage them. Generally, maturity, integrity and values are more important than age. They reflect experience, attitudes and goals … and predict behavior. Partners with similar maturity, integrity and similar values solve problems much faster and easier than immature couples

Shared values seem to be essential. While it seems healthy to have some different interests, the pleasure of a long-term partnership usually reflects a desire to cooperate to fulfill those shared values. And, whenever a couple have different values, a key question is, “Are you willing to value something BECAUSE your partner values it?”

While an age difference may affect activities such as sports or making babies; most couples who enjoy activities such as gardening, hiking, charity work or studying together can keep their partnership healthy and vibrant. (Couples who work together to benefit their families and communities often feel especially fulfilled.)

On a downside, if a partner slows down as he or she ages, a youthful exuberance of the other may become a liability. Some people seem to use psychosomatic symptoms to stabilize their relationships …

Do you want to concentrate on your career, focus on your children or travel a lot? Does your age difference interfere with your personal goals? Do you and your partner support each other’s desired lifestyles? We help couples find solutions for these and similar challenges, to create what we call double vision.

Important Topics

Your family, friends and community may pressure you to find a partner that they like. You may offend them if you choose a partner from a different race, country, region or part of town. You may offend them if you choose a person with a different education, religious or family background. You may offend them no matter who you partner!

Some people seem compelled to interfere. They may claim that their happiness depends on your choices, or that your choice may make them look bad. Most people accept that a man can be older than a woman, but what if a woman is older than a man? And many people condemn couples who prefer same-sex partnerships.

If one is much older than the other, eyebrows may raise and criticism may be heard. Parental objections can range from mild disapproval to total rejection.

Younger adults may be desirable for their vitality and sexuality. Some younger mates may be perceived as trophies to impress other people, while older partners may be perceived as having greater resources and wisdom. Older partners often provide a sense of integrity, maturity and emotional stability, while younger partners can provide a sense of wonder and motivation.

Other important topics include finances, children, career and retirement choices. We help people explore how their age difference may affect their future lives together and to manage or prepare for whatever requires work.

If you are in a serious relationship with someone much older or younger than you, be sensitive to your partner’s concerns. Explore your own and your partner’s feelings about your age gap … bring any issues into the light and talk about them.

Does one of you feel threatened by younger or seemingly more attractive people? Does one of you believe that the other might be happier with someone closer to their own age? Is a younger partner feel intimidated by the older partner? Can they both enjoy each other’s friends?

Relationships with significant age differences require strong commitments.
Your families and friends may not care why you choose to be partners.