Evaluating, Ending & Recovering from Relationships
Saying Goodbye © Martyn Carruthers

Separating is part of a relationship … sooner or later.
Contact us for help separating and recovering peacefully.

Saying “Goodbye” to Inappropriate People

Have you ever liked someone but you felt that the relationship wasn’t right for a long term relationship? Or do you want to end a long-term relationship right now? Are you wasting too much time and energy? Do you love an unavailable person? Perhaps you manage a team and it’s time to break it up. Can you say Goodbye and move on?

We were together for ten years … during our sessions I realized that my affairs helped me stay with my partner! Affairs were my safety valve for my emotions. Without my affairs we wouldn’t have stayed together nearly so long! Montreal

We help people solve partnership and team problems and sometimes we help couples and teams separate peacefully. People often follow predictable steps as they cope with a relationship breakdown. (See also Divorce Coaching).

People who find that separation is terribly stressful rarely know how to say Goodbye. Some people, especially those who felt abandoned or rejected as children, may feel stuck for years! We help people evaluate, change and end inappropriate relationships … as mature adults.

We had so much potential – but after five years I felt that I would go crazy if we stayed together. I worked hard to better myself but my partner didn’t want to change. You helped us disconnect so peacefully … I’m still amazed. London

It’s not a question of willpower, its a question of congruence. Do all parts of you want to say Goodbye? (Probably not, or you wouldn’t be reading this!) Maybe some parts of you still love, or are entangled with the person you are leaving. We can help you find emotional freedom and move on with your life.

Healthy Partnership – or Crisis?

In Western countries, over half of first marriages end in divorce, and even more second or subsequent partnerships end with separation. Ignoring partnership conflicts is unhealthy and expensive. Learn some signs of a partnership in crisis … and wake up!

Healthy Partnership Partnership in Crisis
Partners show appreciation and gratitude to each other One or both are often dissociated, irritated, depressed or critical
Partners respond to most verbal and nonverbal communications One or both ignore, avoid or shorten most communications
Partners review events in their history They rarely review their relationship history
Partners greet after time apart and ask about each other’s activities and other news They rarely interact when together, without even silent intimacy
Partners enjoy meeting each other’s needs for passion, intimacy and commitment One or both often ignore or even criticize the other’s goals and needs
Partners discuss goals and dreams, finding shared values and creating shared meanings. They rarely discuss goals, values or dreams
Partners share meals and housework together They often eat or clean alone
Partners prefer to go out together They generally prefer to go out alone
Partners create projects which require committed cooperation One or both often avoid, ignore or give small attention to shared projects
They wish to stay together to enjoy sharing partnership and parenthood happiness One or both want to separate but cannot because of guilt, fear or other constraints
They respect most of each other’s choices and decisions, and politely discuss differences One or both show contempt for the other’s decisions and angrily demand changes
Partners want happiness together One or both prefer to be alone

Where are healthy role models for saying “Goodbye“? Many people seem to copy how television or movie actors end their fake relationships. Many people repeat the drama of their parents, relatives and friends. Clever people get quality coaching.

Say “Goodbye” to speed Recovery

Some people not only lack training and experience in partnership, many hardly suspect that such partnership skills even exist. Immature people often say that happy couples are lucky and that unhappy couples are just unlucky.

You helped us break up peacefully … he worked with you later … he has changed
so much that I want him back … but now I am with another man!

Most relationship problems seem to begin long before a partnership! Not only do many people lack training, they carry emotional baggage from past disappointments. Unresolved emotional problems can sabotage your present and future happiness!

If you are considering ending an intimate relationship or partnership, especially with someone you still have strong feelings for, it doesn’t have to be so unpleasant. Your questions may include:

  1. Can we still be friends?
  2. How can I effectively end contact?
  3. How can I find another intimate partner?
  4. How can I deal with my and his/her pain?
  5. What can I do if this person threatens me?
  6. What can I do with my memories and dreams?
  7. What about this stuff that he or she left with me?
  8. How can I deal with feelings of loneliness or of loss?
  9. What can I do if he/she acts childishly or plays victim games?
  10. How much more time do I want to invest in this relationship?

Avoid saying, “It’s me, not you”, during a break-up. Although this may seem easier than telling someone that he or she is inappropriate or immature; if you allow the other person to understand who you are and what you want, you will likely feel more mature and confident later.

Avoid blaming the other person … or yourself. Try to be truthful, tactful … and blunt. Remember your reasons for leaving. Explain clearly until the other person seems to get it. Remain strong – avoid emotional blackmail to get what you want.

Infatuation, Disenchantment & Recovery

Unlike love, infatuation reaches a peak and then diminishes. Reality intrudes when couples make ordinary, everyday decisions. While love can grow as partners fulfill responsibilities together, romantic fantasies may be threatened by daily chores, in which infatuation is replaced by boredom. Contact us to evaluate your partnership and to explore your options for recovery.

My boyfriend was wonderful, but when he moved in with me he became demanding and childish … I wanted him to leave for two years but he acted like a needy child and I couldn’t kick him out. Our work set me free … he is gone … Honolulu

Complaining and Nagging

Motivation to separate often concerns complaints, conflicts and arguments. While all couples disagree sometimes, healthy partners manage their conflicts quickly or benefit from our coaching. Many people focus on their logical or emotional impact of their arguments – rather than on seeking solutions that increase intimacy.

After six years of marriage I hadn’t the energy to argue about stupid and petty things … instead I traveled a lot … I worked late … my work was friendlier than my home.
Since your couple counseling we have a new start …

Separation … What can you learn? How can you benefit?

You display your maturity when you communicate. Do you criticize your ex-partner? Do you complain about your ex to anyone who might listen? How you behave when a relationship ends often sets a pattern for your next relationships!

You helped us end some horrible fights in our marriage. You helped us really see each other, and you provoked us to tell each other how we both want to express and receive love. Thank you so much. Switzerland

After separation, mature adults often choose a relationship-free period; while dependent people seek new relationships and immature people obsess about revenge and punishment. A failed partnership does not mean that either partner is a failure. Contact us if you want better relationships.

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