Online Solutions for Emotional Abuse
Gain Peace and Find Relief © Martyn Carruthers
Are you entangled in abusive relationships? Do you suffer from abuse?
We can help you untangle your life and build healthy relationships.
Abusive people often justify their abuse.
Abused people often exaggerate.
The word abuse has as many meanings as the people who use it.
Ask for details … check what can be checked … before you react.
Emotional abuse is about dominance and power. Does someone shout a lot? Criticize every detail? Constantly misuse authority? Is someone generally disrespectful, insulting or rude? Other abusive activities include condescending, patronizing, critical, judging and lying. Does someone you know repeatedly claim to forget important promises and agreements, betrays trust and distorts history?
Emotional abuse may be accompanied by threats and humiliation. But what people say “really happened” is often vague. Abused people frequently react like children when abusive people try to enmesh them into their fantasies. They may try to justify every immature, impulsive act of control …
I only did this because you did that because I … because you … because … because
Many abusive people avoid responsibility for their behavior. Abusers often consider themselves to be victims or special. In our systemic approach to coaching, cause and effect rarely make full sense. More often, limiting beliefs, fixations and transference loops provide much of the missing information.
Do you want to heal the consequences of abuse?
What is Emotional Abuse?
Emotional abuse can be anything … it is so subjective. Some people go through life complaining that they are constantly abused. Sometimes, saying or not saying “Good morning” can be called verbal abuse, intimidation, criticism, manipulation, abandonment or rejection.
The consequences of emotional abuse (real or imagined) can diminish a person’s self-confidence, self-image, trust in their own perceptions and self-esteem. For example, emotional abuse includes parents who convince their children that the children can control the parent’s feelings. This can result in children who feel overly responsible for managing their parent’s moods. Emotionally mature parents can show their children that all emotions and feelings have value.
In contrast, physical abuse refers to violent acts that are made to cause pain or physical injury. Domestic violence is the threat, attempt, or physical harm made by a family member or by someone you live with, or have lived with (as if you were related).
Emotional abusers can be charming – they may hide their need to abuse until other people make commitments – whether at work, at home or in teams, etc. Abusive relationships can range from parental criticism to school-teacher sarcasm to political power struggles.
The consequences of such abuse can include stress disorders (PTSD), depression, passive-aggression and anxiety. We help people become emotionally mature, responsible and flexible.
- Can you be alert, strong yet flexible under stress?
- Can you manage (not just dissociate) your own emotions?
- Do you know when are you responsible for another person’s actions?
Many cults and cult-like organizations emotionally abuse their members. Yet some people cannot to leave these organizations because of the effectiveness of their psychological coercion.
Some trainers abuse their students. Some health professionals abuse their patients. Some gurus abuse their devotees. They may show sadism, incompetence, immaturity, identity loss or codependence … and a need to dominate.
Many emotional abusers appear to have mental health problems. They may be easily frustrated and moody, and they may not feel guilt about threatening or hurting others. They may not feel any desire or need to change their behavior – until they are in crisis – when they may start screaming for help.
Emotional abusers who want to change can acknowledge their problem, commit to stop controlling, and seek our help. Pressuring an abuser to change often results in passive-aggressive behavior: initial resistance followed first by short-term compliance, and later by delayed aggression.
Emotional Abuse at Home
Emotional abusers often expect more from their family than they are willing to give. But a family member cannot give enough. The relationship is about control – not love. The more independent a family member becomes, the more the abuser will abuse, to avoid losing control.
Emotional abuse includes hurtful communication and perhaps physical threats or emotional harm. Children may feel afraid, angry, confused and lost. We coach parents to make better decisions. We also help people who were sexually abused as children.
Common Emotionally Abusive Behaviors
Emotional abusers may feel that THEY are allowed to be angry – but not anyone else. They may blame people for “allowing” them to be abusive – for not standing up to them. Some of them enjoy fights.
Emotional Abuse at Work
Managers who emotionally abuse their staff may see their employees as substitutes for family members, especially children. Bosses who abuse their employees may later refer to this abuse as effective management. If the abused staff can be made to believe they are somehow deficient, they may remain bonded to their boss by parental fixations and limiting beliefs.
Employees who tolerate abuse often do not understand office politics, while abusive managers are often incompetent or perfectionist. They want status, recognition and power. We coach managers to improve management skills, and we help employees cope with or leave abusive managers.
Sales Abuse & Violation of Privacy
Some salespeople are trained to use and abuse hypnotic language to build rapport, prolong negotiation and wear down your resistance until you buy something you don’t want. Some abusive sellers are trained in NLP and covert hypnosis, which gives passive-aggressive people tools to abuse you.
To gain your compliance with their agenda, they may mirror your posture, paraphrase what you say and mimic your way of talking. They want you to trust them blindly. They want to invade your privacy, influence your behavior and profit from you.
- If you feel pressured, leave – or make the salesperson leave.
- Ask friends to be present when you make a substantial purchases.
- Discuss details of a contract with a trusted relative, friend or advisor
- Many abusers rely on your desire to be polite. You have other choices.
We coach people to deal with emotional abuse and abusive situations,
and we help people who have been abused to become more resourceful.