Integrative Systemic Coaching can be rewarding on many levels. While coaching people to find health and success, I often find humor. Here are curious, funny and occasionally hilarious quotes, mostly heard during sessions and training.
And a special few of you know that I wrote about YOU.
Those who laugh last … think slowest
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Heard during coaching (really!)
I don’t want to solve my conflict – I want revenge!
I don’t know whether to have a baby or to get a dog.
I spent a lot of money on opera, dinner and drinks – and she didn’t invite me home.
My son doesn’t know that his girlfriend is a bad choice. She’s exactly opposite to me.
I am willing to make mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
A good solution to my problem would be someone I can blame.
Of course I’m unique – just like everyone else.
I do use my imagination – I’m very suspicious.
Why should I suffer in silence when I can complain?
When I want to relax I think about ways I can get revenge.
Women should say “Yes” or “No” quickly to save unnecessary effort.
I do take responsibility for my actions, when they are not someone else’s fault.
I do accept my personality problems – without them I would have no personality.
First I say nice things to myself, then I do nice things for myself, then I find someone to buy nice things for me.
I do NOT sit in my living room watching TV all day. I also have a TV in my bedroom.
Who do I blame for my problems? … I can always find someone to blame!
How can I divorce my wife without telling her? She will be very angry.
Only people as intelligent as I am can possibly understand me.
I don’t want to tell so many lies but I do want to keep my job.
My wife helps me appreciate how very wonderful is my girlfriend.
Why should I waste time learning from my past when I am worrying about my future?
If a relationship works – there’s not much to talk about; and if it doesn’t work – there’s nothing to talk about.
I find laughter in my everyday life by looking for people I can laugh at.
How do you spell PTSD?
I want to change my future.
My boyfriend had a heart attack while making love to me. I didn’t know that people could die so happy.
All I want is a partner who is rich, sexy, educated, charming and who loves me.
What is it about me that attracts idiots?
Please make it didn’t happen!
I don’t want to change anything – I just want to complain.
My husband made me come to see you. I want you to prove him wrong.
What’s wrong with acting childishly? Even children can do it.
My wife shouldn’t complain that I’m on my mother’s side – I insult my mother just as much as her!
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Simplicity Made Easy
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A client had taken psychoanalysis for years to get rid of a fear that a rapist might hide under her bed. On our second session she said “I met my psychoanalyst and I told him that I went for an ISC session. I told him I was cured in ONE session!”
The psychoanalyst said, “Nothing could possibly change in one session!“
The client said, “I told him that you said I could take the legs off my bed.“
Coach Training – Avoiding Exercises
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We didn’t actually DO the exercise – but we did TALK about it
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I didn’t like the exercise so I asked my partner to massage me
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Your exercise was too difficult so we made up our own exercise
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My exercise partner was just like my mother – she didn’t like me at all
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We weren’t sure what to do so we went to a coffee bar
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I asked my spirit guides do the exercise for me
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I told my exercise partner what I intuited about her sex life and now she won’t talk to me
I didn’t do the exercise because:
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I’m a philosopher
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None of those bastards will talk to me
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I didn’t want to learn anything more today
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I only do exercises with my boyfriend
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We both needed a cigarette
What Trainers Really Mean
Everybody knows that [I didn’t know that]
It’s impossible – it can’t be done [I don’t know how to do it]
Not much is known about that [I don’t know much about that]
It has long been known … [I didn’t check this reference]
It is believed that … [I believe it’s true]
It is generally believed that… [A few other people think so, too]
More work is needed before we completely understand it [I don’t understand it]
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We are agreeable …
If you ask “Is it possible that …?” – my answer is “Yes“
If you ask “Is it this way or that way?” – my answer is “Yes“
If you ask “Is it always true that …?” – my answer is “No“
If you ask “Is it true or false?” – my answer is “Exactly“
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Feedback |
You not remember me but I come your seminar in Croatia. You were FUNNY – I laugh so much that I nearly not see people healing. I didn’t was a demonstration, but my friend was, and she now not has the bad disease. Do you heal people by making laughs? IP, Zagreb |
Difficult Goals
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I know that you can solve all my problems in one session
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I want to be a virgin again
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I want everybody to love me
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I want to change my future
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I want to be 5 years old again!
Every sentence tells a story … these are all true!
If it’s meant to be – it will happen
You must completely heal me before I promote your training
I don’t need to promote you – I know all my friends will come
I have few friends and little credibility
I can put an advertisement in the library and find 30 participants
How could I predict that would happen?
Some of the students are diagnosed psychotics. Relax … they’re on medication … I hope …
Your class is a mixture of business consultants and intuitive healers
I will promote you how I think you should be promoted
My expenses should be your risk
Your expenses are your problem
I told them that you can solve all their problems in one weekend
I told them that you can channel alien life forms
Your translator is 15 years old
You can stay with me in my one room apartment
You can solve my problems in the evenings
It’s your fault for thinking bad thoughts
You can heal my psychotic brother on your day off
I know I agreed to settle finances today, but …
All my friends told me that they would come
I need your money more than you need it
At the last moment I decided I wasn’t ready
It’s not my fault that you bought those airline tickets
You must tell me everything about your private life
You must tell me about everybody you meet or talk to
I’m sorry – I can’t stop acting like a control freak
I really thought that there would be more people
The ONLY thing I forgot to tell them was the date!
Your translator only criticizes you when she doesn’t understand you
You can sleep in our son’s bedroom – he’s in hospital with an infectious disease
You must let your higher self tell you that I am right
It wasn’t meant to happen this way
I’m sorry that you trusted me
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Trainers we didn’t certify
I accept ANYBODY into my courses – who will pay.
I don’t need your permission to teach your work!
Please don’t confuse me with facts.
Copyright and intellectual property are obsolete concepts.
I can’t teach if there are skeptics in the room.
I protect my students from reality.
If I read an article about something – I can teach it .
If I don’t know it – it’s not worth knowing.
I don’t demonstrate … I explain why people must change.
If you don’t trust me, you are a bad person.
Why should I demonstrate – it would only confuse them.
Of course I’m right – I’ve been teaching it that way for years!
Their spirit guides will reveal the details to them when they are ready.
I only graduate students who are like me.
They can learn more from my metaphors than from my demonstrations.
I am very flexible – students can agree with me any way that they want.
Don’t worry – their unconscious minds are getting it.
Privacy and confidentiality are not valid in a classroom setting.
I give all students Elite Grand Master certificates.
Some of these still cause me to laugh out loud. They remind me of difficult conversations with unusual people. And maybe you were there. Martyn Carruthers
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