Solutions for Control Issues
End Relationship Destruction © Martyn Carruthers
Many health professionals and patients use drugs as a substitute for change.
Self-medication with alcohol, nicotine or anti-depressants, are easier
than applying intelligence and focus to your relationships.
Control issues are characterized by needs to dominate, micromanage or orchestrate other people’s behavior. Such an urge to control is often a reaction to fear – and if the underlying fear is transformed – the need to control may evaporate.
People who try to control others often fear being controlled by others. Such issues often develop in childhood events that created feelings of powerlessness or helplessness.
Control issues may also be a consequence of being neglected or abused. If a child is controlled, physically, verbally or sexually, by an adult, they may feel the need to regain control. Many survivors of abuse do not fight their abusers, but lash out in anger or hostility, or try to psychologically control other people.
Reasons for control issues may be related to:
- missing boundaries
- limiting beliefs and bonds
- relationship problems
- low or damaged self-respect
- traumatic or abusive experiences
A need to control can damage relationships, families, careers and life quality. We help people replace their underlying emotions, so that they can easily change.
Relationships with Controllers
Controlling people and situations can bring short-term relief and long-term nightmares. Although control issues are common and the consequences well known; many intelligent and knowledgeable people feel that they must monitor and control other people who are not their children, students or employees.
Controlling fulfills a goal of “I do not want to be me!” – or identity loss. Control issues helps people dissociate or not-feel unpleasant emotions. We can coach people to change control issues, and help people change the emotions and relationships that motivate controlling behavior. But the longer it’s left – the harder it gets.
People with control issues (control freaks) are not demons and are not defective. Many are idealists who try to fulfill their dreams by manipulating other people.
The consequences of controlling others include lack of quality friends, broken families and poor leadership. Yet, if you ask a controlling person, “Why do you to do this?” their answers seem incomplete. “Nobody else can do this”. “I have to avoid my anger”. “Controlling is in my blood” and, of course, “I can stop whenever I want”.
Relationships with Controllers
Relationships with controllers includes your relationship with that person’s problem – and its consequences. A relationship with a controller demands that you participate in that person’s control issues. If you try to control others or if you help controllers stay in control – you may be codependent or in an addictive relationship.
Falling in love can feel profoundly wonderful; while falling out of love can bring profound suffering. Our brains change when we are in love, in similar ways to some mental illnesses or after taking addictive drugs. Falling in love can be addictive, and falling out of love is similar to withdrawal symptoms! Some people become addicted to romance, to love or to sex.
It is easy, and pointless, to blame an addict, an addictive behavior or the predators who profit from addicted people. But blaming won’t help. We offer solutions – we help people who want to end their addictions, obsessions and compulsions.
Soulwork Counseling and Coaching
We offer ways to change the emotional impact of memories; for individuals, couples, families and teams. We can help you improve your relationships, manage guilt, experience a profound sense of integrity and connectedness, and find your life goals. We help people assimilate and change fixations, emotional trauma and mentor damage.
People with alcohol or drug addictions can also contact one of the many drug treatment hotlines for referrals to drug rehabs, recovery programs and sober living environments.
You had endless compassion and no sympathy. You helped me find my passion
… safely … passion that I had almost forgotten. You were very tender
and very tough as you helped me enjoy better relationships. Boston
Control: Benefits & Characteristics
Some common benefits of controlling others are:
- to experience pleasure
- to avoid boredom, pain or negative emotions
- to fulfill the desires of an ancestor or family member
- to maintain dependent or codependent relationships
Controlling relationships often indicate fixations and transferences. Our relationship coaching has helped many people manage their need for dominance and control.
If you suffer negative emotions or self-talk, including guilt, boredom, frustration & self-hatred, then a substance or activity that reduces your negative emotions or unpleasant inner dialog, even for a short time, may become addictive. This includes activities that can be obsessive or compulsive, such as hand-washing, internet browsing, compulsive working (workaholic) and gambling.
We help people build emotional intelligence and emotional maturity. We help people accept their feelings and emotions, pleasant and unpleasant, as meaningful communications – as useful feedback about life. We coach people to manage how they express emotions.
Many popular therapies and New Age techniques encourage people to dissociate their emotions. The relief of dissociating unpleasant feelings may feel good, but dissociation can lead to further identity loss, especially if such techniques are mindlessly repeated until dissociation becomes automatic or chronic.
Self Control & Self Sabotage
Many addicts suffer huge conflict. They may say “Part of me wants to do this, but another part of me wants to do something else”. Such parts often communicate with emotions and behaviors. Expressing hidden emotions may fulfill lost or hidden parts of a people. Conscious acknowledgement and internal mediation can bring peace. We help people make peace with their parts.
If a family needs a victim, a family member may feel compelled to fulfill a victim role, perhaps with an addiction. If a person with a family background of addiction wants a relationship – an addict may seem like an obvious choice. Many codependent people (and some therapists) seem to be addicted to helping addicts.
We can help you manage your emotional and relationship problems, and the obsessions, compulsions and addictions that so often accompany them.
Trauma & Abuse
Many people want to forget – not assimilate – unpleasant events. It could be the shock of a war, the horror of being an unwanted child, or the terror of being abused. If people want to forget parts of their lives – identity loss can be a short-term blessing and a long-term curse.
We can help you heal your relationships and regain your sense of life.
Contact us to make healthier choices.