End Relationship Conflicts © Martyn Carruthers
We help people resolve emotional and relationship problems.
We can encourage you to make decisions – but we do not make decisions for you.
We can encourage you to see other points of view – but we do not take sides.
We can support your choices – but we will not pressure you to change.
Systemic Couple Coaching & Partnership Conflicts
Is your partnership excellent?
Consider our couple counseling.
Four in one (artist unknown)
Most people get what they deserve … and some people seem luckier than that!
Luck has little to do with happy partnership, which usually includes shared values, shared communication and conflict resolution. Couple conflicts include: 1) Different understanding, 2) Different Goals, 3) Different Needs and 4) Different Values.
1) Different understanding. When partners do not understand each other, details can become important and couples may fight over anything. We coach partners to appreciate each other’s goals, needs and values. Our couple counseling helps partners manage their goals, needs and values conflicts.
2) Goals Conflicts are conflicts about which goal to strive for, how much of a goal to attain, when to attain it … and about how those goals should be reached.
3) Needs Conflicts. Both partners may feel that the other partner has a problem, but both partners may avoid exploring their own values and sense of life. Instead they may argue about how and where they can do what.
4) Values Conflicts. If one or both partners believe that a conflict involves core values, for example ancestral beliefs and family traditions, the partners may avoid discussing or trying to solve the conflict because core values are not negotiable. But history need not be destiny, and our couple coaching can help …
- Identify problems in terms of partnership needs, rather than easiest solutions
- Find potential solutions which could meet both partners’ needs
- Choose one or more potential solutions to test
- Evaluate the potential consequences of those solutions
- Take real-world action – mindful of the potential consequences
- Check the consequences and select the next problem to resolve
According to Gottman & Silver (1999), about 70% of relationship conflicts are values conflicts. Gottman called them unsolvable problems, because the partners’ goals and ideals are in conflict. These conflicts cannot be solved by ordinary problem-solving, although healthy couples can learn to respect each other’s values.
Your couple counseling helped us … Some of our conflicts seemed trivial, yet hurt us.
- Confirm that both partners want to explore their values
- Gain relevant information with systemic diagnosis
- Share expertise, opinions, beliefs and values
- Allow partners time to reflect and choose
People rarely change values during arguments. They may change later, when they are relaxed and can choose consequences. Attempting to resolve values conflicts as if they were needs conflicts or goal conflicts can lead to mentor damage, and beliefs such as, “We cannot resolve our conflicts“.
|My husband should be a mature man, a tender lover, a good father and my life companion.||My wife should love me, respect all my decisions and look after my mother.|
|Often heard during couple coaching in many countries!|
Soulwork Couple Coaching: Our Story
Dear Reader …
Martyn Carruthers asked me to share our experience with you. My husband and I have been married for 13 years with two adorable daughters; I am a human resources director and he is a therapist. We think of our relationship as fulfilling in every aspect and we are happy to have each others commitment, trust and love. We could communicate constructively and sort out most of our stuff.
However, there were “small” and “big” issues that we could not sort out ourselves. We were too involved with our own processes to concentrate on our partnership and long term consequences. Some two years ago we decided we wanted professional support to enable us to live towards our common goals, as well as our personal and professional goals.
Both of us are psychologists and we know many therapists who offer marriage counseling, but we did not feel comfortable with their standard approach which tries to fix people. For two years we searched for someone with a deep understanding of relationships as well as a straight-to-the-point-and-no-bullshit-approach.
A few months ago we met Martyn Carruthers and we both sensed he could be the guy we could work with … this was our introduction to Soulwork couple counseling.
Some “big issues” turned out to be symptoms of “small issues” and we resolved issues that we suffered for years in a couple of sessions, while gaining deep insights. We not only resolved issues, we explored what was happening “backstage” so we gained valuable perspectives and experience.
Martyn’s couple coaching showed us how to be more sensitive to each other’s perception and interpretation, and to the consequences of our deeds and ambitions. It also gave us clarity in our other relationships with our other family members.
Our couple-coaching sessions were dynamic, goal-orientated and inspiring. Sometimes, there were tears, sometimes deep dialogues and, what surprised us most, many times we had good and healthy laughter, even over serious issues. We value this as clients and as professionals.
We believe that no matter how good a relationship is, it can be better, and both of us want to continue to grow not just as two individuals, but as a couple and as a family. This is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves and to our daughters. We are attending Martyn’s coach training.
Our Couple Counseling
Usually, the most motivated partner asks us for help. This may be the partner who suffers most, or the partner who most wants happiness. Our couple counseling often begins by listening carefully to answers to:
- What do you argue, quarrel or fight about?
- What do you each want the other to change?
- How do you want to make decisions together?
- What do you each want to change in yourselves?
- What gets in the way of your happiness together?
For committed partners, these questions may bring deep discussion and unexpected answers. For people in affairs or shallow relationships, these questions may seem irrelevant – who cares? For partners in crisis, such questions may trigger arguments.
We also offer Premarital Coaching, Post-Abortion Counseling and Separation Coaching; by resolving guilt, transferences, unwanted beliefs, fixations and mentor damage. We help couples understand each other as a basis for important decisions.
My wife and I attended marriage counseling – but we both wanted more than the counselor could provide. Your couple counseling helped us sort out many unpleasant issues. We ended our bad feelings about our abortion, my wife’s abuse by her uncle when she was ten and my sexual experiments when I was a teenager.
It was soul-work. We cleared up my issues about my first wife’s death, and my new wife’s fascination with a man she works with. She said that I was too close to her daughter -she didn’t like it but didn’t know how to deal with it. Now I’m just our
daughter’s step-Dad and not a special friend.
We both feel we can handle pretty much anything life throws at us. London
Contact us to dissolve affairs, conflicts and relationship problems.