Domanda: I am 52 years old, divorced, and recently started a new relationship with a divorced man who has three adult daughters. Since he introduced me to his daughters, the youngest of them has been feeling very insecure. She has started coming over more often, cooking and shopping for him. She shows me that I am unwanted through passive aggression, leaving ambiguous messages on his bedside table, asking provocative questions… He tries to discourage her, but instead of being direct, he acts passively-aggressively and it doesn’t yield results. I don’t know how to handle this or how much I should interfere in their relationship.
Risposta: Father-daughter enmeshment is still somewhat more rare than mother-son emotional entanglement, but it’s not uncommon. It seems that the daughter lacks a clear understanding of the difference between a partnership and a parent-child relationship. She has likely been entangled in a pattern of incesto emotivo fin da bambina, a cui i suoi genitori hanno indubbiamente contribuito. Ha bisogno di capire che suo padre la ama come figlia, non come compagna, e che l'una non esclude l'altra. Tuttavia, questo può essere difficile da ottenere perché i suoi schemi inconsci sono stati costruiti per molti anni e possono resistere alle spiegazioni razionali.
Ideally, her father should explain this difference to her and set clear boundaries. A major problem here is insufficiently clear communication. He is trying to send a non-verbal message, but she may interpret it her own way or decide to ignore it. Try talking to your partner about why he finds it difficult to communicate directly. As a child, he was probably punished or discouraged if he expressed himself clearly verbally, or he learned from his parents’ example that passive aggression yields results. However, the situation has changed in the meantime.
How much should you interfere in their relationship? You have the right to react to behavior that is disrespectful and hurtful towards you. However, it is important to first assess how much of your hurt is real (neglect and violation of your personal boundaries, disrespect, insults…) and how much might stem from childhood (fear, guilt, feelings of abandonment and worthlessness, competitiveness…). In any case, it is necessary to act like an adult and communicate clearly, calmly, and respectfully.
Il tempo mostrerà se le cose cambieranno o meno. Nessuno cambia da un giorno all'altro. Se la figlia si sente più sicura e si abitua a voi con il tempo, le cose potrebbero migliorare. Con il tempo avrete anche l'opportunità di vedere altre caratteristiche comportamentali del vostro partner e di valutare se è la persona giusta per voi o meno. In questo momento, la cosa più importante per voi è concentrarvi sulla costruzione della vostra autostima e comunicare con chiarezza e considerazione.
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