Miedo a la intimidad

Todos los niños (bueno, todos los niños sanos) anhelan la atención de sus padres. "¡Mamá, mírame!", "¡Papá, vamos a jugar!" Si tales y otras expresiones de deseo de conexión son rechazadas de manera fría o incluso agresiva, o si se abusa de la conexión emocional a través de manipulación y chantaje emocional, a child can develop a belief such behavior is normal and nothing much better can be expected in other relationships, either. Aggressive-manipulative relationship between parents, as well as possible emotional incest, can strengthen such an impression.

Even when such children see examples of happy families and warm individuals elsewhere, they might be convinced such people are just good in pretending. 

Estas personas no sólo pueden aprender a tener miedo de las relaciones cercanas, sino que pueden llegar a convencerse de que su las más bellas emociones - el amor, la ternura, el anhelo... - son debilidades para ser asfixiado y rechazado. He conocido hombres y mujeres inteligentes y capaces que estaban convencidos de que debían luchar contra esos sentimientos y evitar ser influenciados por ellos. Algunas de esas personas pueden ser impredecibles y volátiles - constantemente en conflicto interno entre su calor innato y su frialdad aprendida. 

Independencia y control

Estar en control es una idea importante cuando sientes miedo a la intimidad. El miedo al dolor puede motivarte a evitar riesgos emocionales, reprimir emociones y hacer que no puedas relajarte. Puede que esperes que te ridiculicen, critiquen o manipulen en cuanto muestres alguna emoción. Puede que intentes controlar a otras personas para evitar ser lastimado por ellasusando estrategias similares a las que usaron tus padres para controlarte, incluyendo agresión y humillación. 

Puedes sentir que si te permites estar cerca de alguien, pronto terminarás asfixiado y controlado. Cada objeción o queja, o necesidad de compromiso, o incluso desacuerdo, puede parecer amenazadora y manipuladora, no matter how mildly expressed.

You might be unable to set healthy boundaries, so you can give up on relationship rather than your boundaries. You might apply the same approach even to your children, as children spend quite a lot of time testing others’ boundaries. You might even be unable to truly laugh and have fun – even that can feel like losing control.

These people can be quite financially successful – the need for independence and control might push them to invest most of their energy into securing financial status and security, perhaps also power over others. Work can also be used as a way to avoid emotions, and as a substitute for fulfilling relationships.

Substitutes can also be sought in other ways: through status symbols, addictions, promiscuous sex, or any other activity which distracts from emotions. Una relación sana puede parecer aburrida a tales personas, para que puedan seguir provocando dramatismo (a menudo inconscientemente) para que se sientan "en casa". 

Consequences of fear of intimacy for close relationships

Una relación con una persona que tiene miedo a la intimidad puede ser muy frustrante e hiriente. No basta con comprender, expresar amor puede rechazarse por miedo o incluso por desprecio (a veces también por aburrimiento), y el perdón sólo permite la continuación de la misma.

Even people who are rationally aware their fear of intimacy is a problem, might be resistant or not motivated enough to invest the effort needed into learning relationship skills. They might perceive emotional risks as too frightening. Pueden sentir que cualquier cosa que hagan, será en vano, como lo experimentaron en sus primeras familias.. El niño interior no se da cuenta de que ya no está en su familia temprana. 

A while ago, I was working online with a couple in Australia. The man was very charming, friendly and popular, but he had a habit of insulting his girlfriend and treating her condescendingly, especially in public places. When she mentioned it, I expected him to deny it, at least in part, but surprisingly, he confirmed her story.

When I asked him what motivated him to act like that, he said that for him, such behavior was a way of being intimate. Apparently, his father treated his mother in a similar way, and mother tolerated it with some sort of humorous attitude (although it’s hard to know how she really felt inside). Meanwhile, neither of the parents gave healthy attention to the son, but used criticism or manipulation to control him.

No matter how much this man wanted fulfilling relationships, as long as he imitated his parents, he was unlikely to achieve more than frustration and disappointment. Due to his hidden fear of intimacy, he wasn’t motivated enough to give up his manipulative behavior, so his girlfriend eventually decided to leave him in spite of sorrow and love she still felt. Some months after, she told me she felt much more relaxed and confident, without someone around to constantly prod her and humiliate her. Eventually, she found a very healthy, kind and supportive partner.

So no matter how many other interesting qualities somebody might have, if they ignore their fear of intimacy they are likely to sabotage your relationship. You might eventually have to let them go, except perhaps if you enjoy emotional masochism. La compasión no es igual a la abnegación.. Puede que quieras comprobar si tienes algún tipo de "complejo de salvador" o una necesidad de ganar la aprobación, originada en tu antigua familia. Tal vez esperas que tu pareja cambie de la misma manera que no cambiaron tus padres. No es probable que suceda, si su pareja no expresa una motivación fuerte y genuina. 

Si reconoces que tienes miedo a la intimidad, can you imagine, even for a moment, how would it be if all parts of you – both parts you perceive as “strong” and parts you perceive as “weak” – could cooperate in a friendly way inside you, rather than fighting? Imagine how would it be if “stronger” parts of you were supportive of the more gentle ones, so that you can encourage yourself through fear of intimacy, emotional risk and vulnerability. 

¿Cómo sería tener lo mejor de ambos mundos...un sentimiento de armonía interior? Tal vez te pondrías en contacto con los recursos internos y las cualidades que te faltaron durante la mayor parte de tu vida. Tal vez no se extrañaría tanto la belleza de la vida. Sí, soy un poco idealista. Es una buena manera de ser.

Artículos recomendados:

Cómo reconocer el chantaje emocional

Comunicación, manipulación y necesidad de energía 

Estilos y trastornos de apego y cómo curarlos

Todos los artículos 

Entrenamiento en línea 

Nuestro canal de YouTube