親密さへの恐れ

All children (well, all healthy children) crave their parents’ attention. “Mom, look at me!”, “Dad, let’s play!” If such and other expressions of desire for connection are refused in a cold or even aggressive manner, or if 感情的なつながりが悪用される を通して マニピュレーション そして 感情的恐喝, a child can develop a belief such behavior is normal and nothing much better can be expected in other relationships, either. Aggressive-manipulative relationship between parents, as well as possible emotional incest, can strengthen such an impression.

Even when such children see examples of happy families and warm individuals elsewhere, they might be convinced such people are just good in pretending. 

そのような人は、親密な関係を恐れるようになるだけでなく、自分のことをこう確信してしまうかもしれない。 最も美しい感情 – love, tenderness, longing… – are 弱点 to be smothered and rejected. I’ve met smart and able men and women who were convinced they should fight such feelings and avoid being influenced by them. Some of those people can be unpredictable and volatile – constantly in inner conflict between their innate warmth and learned coldness. 

独立性とコントロール

コントロールできること は、親密さに恐怖を感じるときに重要な考え方である。痛みへの恐怖は、感情的なリスクを避け、感情を抑制し、リラックスできない動機となる。感情を見せるとすぐに嘲笑されたり、批判されたり、操られたりするかもしれない。あなたは次のことを試みるかもしれない。 他人に傷つけられないように、他人をコントロールする攻撃や屈辱など、親があなたをコントロールするために使ったのと同じような戦略を使って。 

You might feel that if you allowed yourself to be close to someone, you’d soon end up suffocated and controlled. 異論や不満、妥協の必要性、あるいは意見の不一致はすべて、脅迫的で人を操るように見える。, no matter how mildly expressed.

You might be unable to set healthy boundaries, so you can give up on relationship rather than your boundaries. You might apply the same approach even to your children, as children spend quite a lot of time testing others’ boundaries. You might even be unable to truly laugh and have fun – even that can feel like losing control.

These people can be quite financially successful – the need for independence and control might push them to invest most of their energy into securing financial status and security, perhaps also power over others. Work can also be used as a way to avoid emotions, and as a substitute for fulfilling relationships.

Substitutes can also be sought in other ways: through status symbols, addictions, promiscuous sex, or any other activity which distracts from emotions. 健全な関係は退屈に見える to such people, so they can keep provoking drama (often unconsciously) so that they could feel “at home”. 

Consequences of fear of intimacy for close relationships

親密さを怖れる人との関係は、とてももどかしく、傷つくものだ。理解するだけでは十分ではなく、愛情表現は恐怖や軽蔑（時には退屈も）から拒絶されることもある。 許すことは、同じことを続けることを可能にするだけである。.

Even people who are rationally aware their fear of intimacy is a problem, might be resistant or not motivated enough to invest the effort needed into learning relationship skills. They might perceive emotional risks as too frightening. They can feel that whatever they do, would be in vain – like they experienced in their early families.インナーチャイルドは、自分がもう幼い頃の家族ではないことに気づいていない。 

A while ago, I was working online with a couple in Australia. The man was very charming, friendly and popular, but he had a habit of insulting his girlfriend and treating her condescendingly, especially in public places. When she mentioned it, I expected him to deny it, at least in part, but surprisingly, he confirmed her story.

When I asked him what motivated him to act like that, he said that for him, such behavior was a way of being intimate. Apparently, his father treated his mother in a similar way, and mother tolerated it with some sort of humorous attitude (although it’s hard to know how she really felt inside). Meanwhile, neither of the parents gave healthy attention to the son, but used criticism or manipulation to control him.

No matter how much this man wanted fulfilling relationships, as long as he imitated his parents, he was unlikely to achieve more than frustration and disappointment. Due to his hidden fear of intimacy, he wasn’t motivated enough to give up his manipulative behavior, so his girlfriend eventually decided to leave him in spite of sorrow and love she still felt. Some months after, she told me she felt much more relaxed and confident, without someone around to constantly prod her and humiliate her. Eventually, she found a very healthy, kind and supportive partner.

So no matter how many other interesting qualities somebody might have, if they ignore their fear of intimacy they are likely to sabotage your relationship. You might eventually have to let them go, except perhaps if you enjoy emotional masochism. Compassion doesn’t equal self-sacrifice. You might want to check if you have some form of “savior complex” or a need to earn approval, originating from your early family. Perhaps you hope your partner would change in the way your parent(s) didn’t change. It’s not likely to happen, if your partner is not expressing strong, genuine motivation. 

親密さへの恐れを自覚している場合, can you imagine, even for a moment, how would it be if all parts of you – both parts you perceive as “strong” and parts you perceive as “weak” – could cooperate in a friendly way inside you, rather than fighting? Imagine how would it be if “stronger” parts of you were supportive of the more gentle ones, so that you can encourage yourself through fear of intimacy, emotional risk and vulnerability. 

両方の長所を併せ持つのはどうだろう, a feeling of inner harmony? Perhaps you’d get in touch with inner resources and qualities you were lacking throughout most of your life. Perhaps not so much beauty of life would be missed. Yes, I’m a bit of an idealist. It’s a good way to be.

おすすめ記事

感情的恐喝の見分け方

コミュニケーション、操作、権力欲 

愛着スタイルとその障害、そしてその癒し方

すべての記事 

オンラインコーチング 

YouTubeチャンネル