Come la vostra famiglia guida la vostra attività

… even when you are not aware of it

Some time back, I was working with a small business owner who employed 7-8 people. On the outside, she had everything she needed to succeed: she was driven, innovative, genuinely cared about her customers, and offered services that for many people were a need rather than a luxury. Yet her results were bad and her business coach has told her she’d be bankrupt within 6 months if nothing would change.

She said the problems started when she ceased to be involved in „hands-on” activities and focused primarily on management. She trusted her staff to work well when she was not around, but instead they were continuously under-performing. Some of them started treating her with open or passive disrespect, making more and more demands or unexpectedly missing work.

I asked her how does she select her staff; she told me she delegates that to one of her senior staff members (let’s call her Mary). Soon it turned out that Mary was the key problem; one of her duties was to select and train new staff, but she slacked in both. Mary was also manipulative; she would hide certain passwords from her boss, would lie and gaslight her while in the same time pretending to care and worry for her. It wouldn’t take long before new employees would copy that attitude (And Mary would, of course, employ the kind of people lei piaciuto).

My client was aware of all or most of that. The obvious next question was, why wouldn’t she let Mary go? The answer was not so obvious. She felt somehow emotionally attached to Mary; she was also afraid that other employees who liked Mary would be angry, but the key problem was hope. Somehow she felt she had to believe that Mary would finally „see the light” and change. (See also: Quando la speranza è un'emozione "negativa)

A few questions later, it turned out that Mary reminded her of her younger sister she was made to take care of when she was young. The sister soon learned to exploit such a situation and manipulate the parents against my client. This was now mostly in the past, but unconsciously, the unresolved emotions and unfulfilled hopes were still there – and the unrealistic sense of responsibility, too.

We can easily guess Mary learned her complementary behavioral patterns with/from her family, too. She didn’t necessarily have to be a spoiled younger child, she could have also observed such behavior from other family members. Perhaps, as a defensive strategy, she adopted the same behavior others used to control her when she was a child. She would reap some short term benefits from such behavior, but in the long run she would lose trust and respect.

Sentirsi come un bambino al lavoro

I worked with some more bosses and managers with similar issues, and, on the other side, quite a few regular employees who would suddenly feel small and resource-less in front of their boss. Some of them told me they would literally feel as if they were physically shrinking to a very small size. I would ask: „How old do you feel then?” The answer tends to hover around 3 years old.

For some people, simply seeing an authority figure they feel they depend on, unconsciously reminds them of their original parent-child relationship and causes them to forget most of their adult resources. They might say, „It feels like my head is suddenly empty and I can’t find any words to say”. This sounds like they age-regress to memories created before they learned to speak.

Perché succede

When we were children, particularly while we were toddlers, our brains were working in overdrive, trying to figure out the world and how to deal with it, as soon as possible. Through a combination of imitation and experimenting, we eventually learned what behaviors result in the most benefit and the least trouble around our family members. Those experiences became the script our brains tend to resort to in challenging situations. For some people, it’s to create drama, or to play a victim. For others, it’s to freeze and try to fade into the background. For some, it might be to blame themselves or to take responsibility. The problem is, what worked best in our families might not work best in the adult world.

The process of adapting to our families often requires us to ignore and suppress various painful emotions – and sometimes even happy emotions if they were not welcome in our families. However, life keeps showing us that suppressed does not mean gone. As one of the pioneering psychoanalysts C. G. Jung said, ‘Until you make the unconscious cosciente, dirigerà la vostra vita e voi lo chiamerete destino..’

Le emozioni irrisolte dell'infanzia non solo ci spingono a dare o a perdonare troppo, ma possono anche scatenare pregiudizi e antipatie irragionevoli. Se avete avuto un fratello che vi maltrattava, uno zio che vi toccava in modo inappropriato o un cugino che piaceva più a vostra madre, chiunque vi ricordi in qualche modo quei membri della famiglia potrebbe sembrarvi sgradevole, anche se non ha mai fatto nulla di male. La somiglianza potrebbe essere puramente fisica, oppure potrebbe semplicemente avere lo stesso nome del familiare problematico. Se non vengono riconosciute e risolte, queste emozioni possono spingere anche una persona altrimenti buona a trattare qualcuno in modo ingiusto.

Come si manifesta

Altri esempi di come la vostra educazione influenzi il vostro comportamento sul lavoro:

• Potreste sentirvi incapaci di porre dei limiti agli altri o al carico di lavoro stesso.
  
• You might try to prove yourself too hard, and never feel it’s enough (I had a client who would even deny herself food and sleep until she’d finish everything she’d expect herself to do in a day, which was, as you can guess, usually too much)

• You might feel spontaneously attracted to people who seem „normal” or „familiar” to you, even if they don’t treat you well, and might not feel able to let them go, out of guilt or fear or hope
  
• Potreste sentire l'impulso di fare giochi di potere con i vostri colleghi (che riecheggiano la rivalità tra fratelli).
  
• Come capo, potreste imitare le figure autoritarie del vostro passato, senza riconoscere che potrebbero esserci modi più sani e produttivi per motivare i vostri subordinati.
  
• You might feel it’s not acceptable to stand out or to ask for what you want
  
• Potreste procrastinare, sia per paura di sbagliare, sia perché sperate che le soluzioni arrivino dall'esterno (come accadeva quando eravate piccoli).
  
• Potreste avere problemi di disciplina o l'impulso a sfidare le autorità senza una buona ragione.
  
• You might stay at the job that doesn’t satisfy you anymore, because you’d feel guilty if you left.

Come rimanere adulti

Describing all of our coaching would require a book (which I’m writing), but here are some helpful first-aid steps:

1. Non c'è cambiamento senza consapevolezza. Prestate attenzione e riconoscete ciò che sentite, anziché evitarlo o ignorarlo.
   
2. Riconoscere che, nonostante siano forti, questi sentimenti probabilmente non sono realistici.
   
3. Remind yourself: “These feelings are a reaction to the past, not the present.”
   
4. Ask yourself: “Who or what does this person/situation remind me of? How old do I feel emotionally?”
   
5. Remind yourself: “This is not the same person or the same situation. I am an adult now and I have learned a lot since I was a child. What has worked in my family will likely not work now.”
   
6. Considerate quale sarebbe un comportamento adulto e maturo nella vostra situazione.
   
7. La maggior parte di noi ha paura delle proprie emozioni più di ogni altra cosa e cerca automaticamente di fuggire e abbandonarsi nei momenti di intenso disagio emotivo. Se per agire da adulti è necessario fare qualcosa che vi spaventa, prestate attenzione a essere gentili e solidali con voi stessi mentre affrontate la paura e qualsiasi altra emozione spiacevole. Piuttosto che rimproverarvi o cercare di fuggire, parlate con voi stessi come farebbe un genitore o un amico premuroso e compassionevole.
   
8. Anche se non avete affrontato la situazione in modo perfetto (e probabilmente è stato così), riconoscete lo sforzo che avete fatto e riconoscete ciò che avete imparato facendo questo. Riconoscete che siete stati in grado di affrontare il disagio e che in futuro sarà sempre più facile e che saprete fare ancora meglio. Continuate a darvi supporto emotivo, se necessario.

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