沟通、操纵和权力需求

I have noticed, from time to time, books and workshops that are advertised with bombastic promises such as: ‘take control in all communication’, ‘get people to do things you want them to do’, ‘ develop magnetic attraction’ and so on.

我们所做的一切都会影响他人, even without our knowing or meaning to. The authors of such books use this fact to argue: since we already do this, why not do it so to gain some benefit? In an article about one of those ubiquitous “pick-up artists”, I read, amongst other things, his comment that there are ways in which a man may encourage the woman he desires to be more self-confident, or that by using specific words he can suggest that she is spontaneous, has an adventurous spirit, is relaxed, etc. and that there is nothing negative about this.

沟通技巧在人际交往中无比重要，因为不经意的沟通会造成许多误解和问题。然而，有意识地使用沟通方法来改善人际关系，与影响他人去做我们希望他们做的事情之间，往往只有一线之隔，而我们希望他们做的事情也许并不是他们真正想做的，或者他们根本没有意识到我们的意图。 

例如，使用沟通技巧与孩子交流的父母，通常会 don’t use them in an honest attempt to understand 他们的孩子想要什么、感受到什么，但 控制他们的行为. In the former example of seduction workshops, such methods are used to get sex or have a short fling without disclosing one’s true intentions, and especially without considering possible emotional and physical consequences for a woman. They may also be used to get the other person to fall in love with you, before they have had a chance to get to know you better and are able to judge how much do they really like you. Furthermore, men in those workshops were encouraged to make a woman feel insecure and increase her desire to fulfill expectations.

What is “good” for others?

利用传播艺术控制他人的倡导者会说，我们实际上是在为他人造福，特别是如果我们成功地 让对方真正愿意按照我们的意愿行事或自我感觉良好。然而，这种想法是一种不尊重人的态度，也是对自己的不尊重。 这意味着我们知道什么对对方好 better than they know. This is an egotistical and immature approach sometimes even in a parent – child relationship, and especially in relation to another adult. Even if you try to prevent somebody from making a mistake – people need mistakes. How else can we learn, if not from experience?

即使我们相信自己是在为对方好，我们也要扪心自问，如果我们知道自己在对方不知情的情况下影响了对方，我们真的能感觉良好、问心无愧吗？ 是否有可能在真正尊重对方的情况下做到这一点？, if we through purposeful control put them in the position of a weaker, manipulated person? In such a relationship honesty and closeness are not likely to occur. From another perspective, is it at all possible to influence another person with their full knowledge and agreement, if we often don’t know ourselves how we influence others?

也许你越是想瞒着对方你在试图影响他们，你就越是试图以一种不尊重的姿态去做这件事。沟通的方法是最诚实、最尊重对方的 如果我们能在应用时不掩饰自己的意图.就我个人而言，为了保持正直，我更倾向于不以唤醒特定情绪或反应为目的的方法，而是帮助他人有意识地独立思考自己和我的观点。

真正的目的是什么？

The need for power is within all people. We desire to shine, to be attractive to others, to feel powerful; for all people these are very attractive images and it’s easy to justify our attempts to achieve them. The question we rarely consider is, 我们为什么要这样做?我们的内心究竟缺少了什么样的感觉，才会以这种方式寻求安慰？为什么只有当我们觉得自己很特别或比别人强时，我们才会觉得自己有足够的价值？努力培养我们自己的自尊心（以及创造力），而不是外在的形象，可能会让我们省去几年甚至几十年的努力。

此外、 任何外在的成功都无法改变我们对自己的感觉, except temporarily. Self-esteem must come from within rather than from without. Then it’s a feeling that is incomparably better than power over others. When you have healthy self-esteem, you will most likely act in a way that will motivate others to value and love you deeper than you could achieve using any type of trickery.

识别操纵

一般来说 如果你觉得自己被巧妙地操纵 in a conversation with someone, even if you don’t understand how – it’s very likely true. Practically 任何沟通技巧都可能被滥用. The key is the intention and the attitude of the other person, while their external behavior might be difficult to recognize as manipulative. Yet, it’s almost impossible to play that game without tiny non-verbal signals giving us out: subtle changes in tonality, increased rigidity, small incongruousness or lack of spontaneity – things that people probably won’t even notice consciously, but unconsciously they will.

In such a case, usually there is an intuitive feeling, something like “感觉怪怪的 about this, but I’m not sure what”. The sooner you acknowledge and explore that feeling, the better (but to be able to make it quickly, instead when it’s too late, you need to exercise 观察自己的感受.) To avoid being manipulated, often it’s a good idea to 告诉对方你需要一些时间来思考, for example if somebody is asking for a favor. Especially if you are being persuaded to make a purchase, say that you’ll be back after you have given it some thought, go outside, take a walk and contemplate the decision without external influence. 

操纵与健康的自尊

It’s so much 坦诚相待, instead of having to constantly control ourselves and pretend something we don’t really feel; constantly worrying if we missed something or if somebody might see through our act. Would you really want to invest so much energy into manipulation, even if you thought that there were no other problems the desire to manipulate people might be indicating?

You might be playing a short-term game, which means you are probably aware that you don’t really care about consequences for the other person. Another possibility is that you want to keep people around you impressed continuously (desire to have charisma) to be able to feel important or powerful. In this case, disrespect to others, as well as disrespect to your own self, might be unconscious – inner sense of not being worthy or important enough, which is covered by attempts to control others. 没有健康自尊的人会被提供力量和魅力的方法、书籍和讲习班所吸引他们希望填补内心的空虚，因为他们无意识地认为真实的自我和诚实的情感无法吸引爱和赞赏。

诱惑

I’ve mentioned 诱惑方法 earlier. Often, some seduction methods are used as common and even expected “mating rituals”: flirting, gifts, emphasizing physical attributes, compliments… Sometimes, the seducer might be honestly interested, and sometimes selfishly, but since the behavior is the same, it might be difficult to distinguish one from the other. The “seduced” person might want to believe that the seducer was honest, might enjoy the attention and good feelings. Such person might hope that the “seducer” is using such stereotypical behavior because it’s a normal and familiar way to be romantic.

有时是这样，但我要说 在表达浪漫情怀时越自然、越随性越是这样，他们在生活的其他方面就越有可能是诚实和开放的，而且他们有健康的自尊，可以做他们自己。另外，观察他们如何与生活中不那么重要的人沟通，也有助于估计潜在的恋爱对象。当浪漫的感觉消失后，他们可能也会以类似的方式对待你。

操纵者的后果

当你运用沟通技巧时、 ask yourself if you’re using them to hide your true intentions and feelings, or to express them in an appropriate way.每当我们利用沟通技巧来避免诚实和开放时，我们也就拒绝了真实的自我，拒绝了接受自己的机会。而且，在未来 更难自尊我知道你是如何利用别人，而不顾他们会遭受的后果。

人为控制他人权力的代价 – even if we manage to achieve it – is that we could 不松懈，不自我. We’d be under pressure to keep sustaining the illusion, not only in relationships with others, but ourselves too. We’d be constantly careful and worrying if the others might finally see through us. What the authors of all those books on charisma and persuasion won’t tell you, is that 控制了别人，就等于控制了自己，而控制自己的痛苦更甚于控制别人, over the honest and healthy parts of you. Perhaps there are few better examples of the “boomerang – effect” than the methods for controlling others.

If you are tempted to try this kind of games, ask yourself: do you want relaxed, spontaneous relationships with healthy people who wouldn’t tolerate such games, people who see you and appreciate you as you are – or do you want to see people as puppets, try to mold them into what you desire, and 从而吸引不成熟的人 who accept games and pretense, who couldn’t see you and love you if you were yourself?

Whenever I met people who manipulated others, even if they had succeeded in achieving some power and influence over others, I never felt that they were really happy, really liking and appreciating themselves. The price of being a successful manipulator is that other people might like, maybe even admire, your act, a false projection, but not your true self. Incidentally, it’s the same attitude you yourself come from, and the more you succeed in manipulation, the more difficult it is to recognize and change it. 你付出的代价是自尊, because, no matter how much you deny or justify it, you know you cheat people. On the other hand, I’ve also met people who radiate true charisma. Their attractiveness comes from healthy self-esteem – accepting who they are and enjoying their existence.

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