コミュニケーション、操作、権力の必要性

I have noticed, from time to time, books and workshops that are advertised with bombastic promises such as: ‘take control in all communication’, ‘get people to do things you want them to do’, ‘ develop magnetic attraction’ and so on.

私たちの行動はすべて他人に影響を与える, even without our knowing or meaning to. The authors of such books use this fact to argue: since we already do this, why not do it so to gain some benefit? In an article about one of those ubiquitous “pick-up artists”, I read, amongst other things, his comment that there are ways in which a man may encourage the woman he desires to be more self-confident, or that by using specific words he can suggest that she is spontaneous, has an adventurous spirit, is relaxed, etc. and that there is nothing negative about this.

コミュニケーション・スキルは人間関係において非常に重要である。とはいえ、人間関係を改善するために意識的にコミュニケーション方法を使うのと、こちらが相手にやってほしいと思っていることを、相手が本当に望んでいることではない、あるいはこちらの意図に気づいていない場合には、相手に影響を与えるというのは、しばしば紙一重の場合がある。 

例えば、子供とコミュニケーション・テクニックを使っている親は、しばしばこう言う。 don’t use them in an honest attempt to understand 子供たちが何を望み、何を感じているのか。 行動をコントロールする. In the former example of seduction workshops, such methods are used to get sex or have a short fling without disclosing one’s true intentions, and especially without considering possible emotional and physical consequences for a woman. They may also be used to get the other person to fall in love with you, before they have had a chance to get to know you better and are able to judge how much do they really like you. Furthermore, men in those workshops were encouraged to make a woman feel insecure and increase her desire to fulfill expectations.

What is “good” for others?

他人をコントロールするためにコミュニケーション術を使うことを推進する人たちは、私たちは実際に相手に良いことをしている、と言うだろう。 相手を自分の望むように行動させるあるいは、自分自身をより良く感じるために。しかし、この考え方は無礼な態度であり 相手にとって何が良いかを知っていることを意味する better than they know. This is an egotistical and immature approach sometimes even in a parent – child relationship, and especially in relation to another adult. Even if you try to prevent somebody from making a mistake – people need mistakes. How else can we learn, if not from experience?

たとえ自分が相手に良いことをしていると信じていたとしても、相手の知らないところで他人に影響を与えたと知りながら、本当に良い気分でいられるのか、良心の呵責を感じることができるのか、自問自答しなければならない。 相手に対する真の敬意をもって、このようなことができるだろうか？, if we through purposeful control put them in the position of a weaker, manipulated person? In such a relationship honesty and closeness are not likely to occur. From another perspective, is it at all possible to influence another person with their full knowledge and agreement, if we often don’t know ourselves how we influence others?

おそらく、相手に影響を与えようとしていることを隠そうとすればするほど、失礼な立場からこれを行おうとする。コミュニケーション方法は、最も正直で尊敬に値する 私たちの意図を隠すことなく適用できれば.私自身は、自分自身の誠実さのために、特定の感情や反応を呼び起こすためのものではなく、他の人が意識的かつ自主的に、自分自身と私の視点の両方を考慮するのを助けるようなアプローチを好んでいる。

本当の目的は何なのか？

The need for power is within all people. We desire to shine, to be attractive to others, to feel powerful; for all people these are very attractive images and it’s easy to justify our attempts to achieve them. The question we rarely consider is, なぜこんなことをする必要があるのか?私たちにそのような形で安心感を求めさせる、内面に欠けている感情とはどのようなものなのだろうか？なぜ私たちは、自分が特別だと感じたり、他人より優れていると感じたりしたときにだけ、十分な価値があると感じるのだろうか？外面的なイメージではなく、自分自身の自尊心（そして創造性）に取り組むことで、何年どころか何十年もの努力を省くことができるかもしれない。

しかもだ、 どんな外的な成功も、自分自身に対する気持ちを変えることはできない, except temporarily. Self-esteem must come from within rather than from without. Then it’s a feeling that is incomparably better than power over others. When you have healthy self-esteem, you will most likely act in a way that will motivate others to value and love you deeper than you could achieve using any type of trickery.

操作を認識する

原則として、 微妙に操られていると感じたら in a conversation with someone, even if you don’t understand how – it’s very likely true. Practically どんなコミュニケーション・スキルも不正に使われる可能性がある. The key is the intention and the attitude of the other person, while their external behavior might be difficult to recognize as manipulative. Yet, it’s almost impossible to play that game without tiny non-verbal signals giving us out: subtle changes in tonality, increased rigidity, small incongruousness or lack of spontaneity – things that people probably won’t even notice consciously, but unconsciously they will.

In such a case, usually there is an intuitive feeling, something like “何か変 about this, but I’m not sure what”. The sooner you acknowledge and explore that feeling, the better (but to be able to make it quickly, instead when it’s too late, you need to exercise 自分の気持ちを観察する.) To avoid being manipulated, often it’s a good idea to 相手に、考える時間が必要だと言う。, for example if somebody is asking for a favor. Especially if you are being persuaded to make a purchase, say that you’ll be back after you have given it some thought, go outside, take a walk and contemplate the decision without external influence. 

操作と健全な自尊心

It’s so much 正直に生きる方が楽, instead of having to constantly control ourselves and pretend something we don’t really feel; constantly worrying if we missed something or if somebody might see through our act. Would you really want to invest so much energy into manipulation, even if you thought that there were no other problems the desire to manipulate people might be indicating?

You might be playing a short-term game, which means you are probably aware that you don’t really care about consequences for the other person. Another possibility is that you want to keep people around you impressed continuously (desire to have charisma) to be able to feel important or powerful. In this case, disrespect to others, as well as disrespect to your own self, might be unconscious – inner sense of not being worthy or important enough, which is covered by attempts to control others. 健全な自尊心がない人は、パワーやカリスマを提供するメソッドや本、ワークショップに惹かれる。本当の自分や正直な気持ちは、愛や評価を引き寄せることはできないという無意識の思い込みが生み出す心の空洞を埋めたいと願っているのだ。

誘惑

I’ve mentioned 誘惑の方法 earlier. Often, some seduction methods are used as common and even expected “mating rituals”: flirting, gifts, emphasizing physical attributes, compliments… Sometimes, the seducer might be honestly interested, and sometimes selfishly, but since the behavior is the same, it might be difficult to distinguish one from the other. The “seduced” person might want to believe that the seducer was honest, might enjoy the attention and good feelings. Such person might hope that the “seducer” is using such stereotypical behavior because it’s a normal and familiar way to be romantic.

そうであることもある。 恋愛感情を表現するのが自然で自発的であればあるほどまた、人生の他の分野でも正直でオープンであり、自分らしくいられる健全な自尊心を持っている可能性が高い。潜在的な恋愛感情を推し量るための追加的な助けとして、彼らが自分の人生においてそれほど重要でない人々とどのようにコミュニケーションをとっているかを観察してください。恋愛感情が薄れたとき、彼らはおそらく同じようにあなたに接するだろう。

マニピュレーターの結果

コミュニケーション・スキルを使うとき、 ask yourself if you’re using them to hide your true intentions and feelings, or to express them in an appropriate way.正直でオープンであることを避けるためにコミュニケーション・スキルを使うたびに、私たちは自分自身の本当の姿を拒絶し、自分自身を受け入れるチャンスをも拒絶することになる。また、将来的には 自分を尊重することが難しくなる彼らが被るであろう結果を気にすることなく、人々をどのように利用したかを知っているからだ。

人為的な力の代償 – even if we manage to achieve it – is that we could 決して気を抜くことなく、自分らしく. We’d be under pressure to keep sustaining the illusion, not only in relationships with others, but ourselves too. We’d be constantly careful and worrying if the others might finally see through us. What the authors of all those books on charisma and persuasion won’t tell you, is that 他人をコントロールすることは、自分自身をコントロールすることを前提とする。, over the honest and healthy parts of you. Perhaps there are few better examples of the “boomerang – effect” than the methods for controlling others.

If you are tempted to try this kind of games, ask yourself: do you want relaxed, spontaneous relationships with healthy people who wouldn’t tolerate such games, people who see you and appreciate you as you are – or do you want to see people as puppets, try to mold them into what you desire, and こうして未熟な人々を惹きつける who accept games and pretense, who couldn’t see you and love you if you were yourself?

Whenever I met people who manipulated others, even if they had succeeded in achieving some power and influence over others, I never felt that they were really happy, really liking and appreciating themselves. The price of being a successful manipulator is that other people might like, maybe even admire, your act, a false projection, but not your true self. Incidentally, it’s the same attitude you yourself come from, and the more you succeed in manipulation, the more difficult it is to recognize and change it. 支払う代償は自尊心, because, no matter how much you deny or justify it, you know you cheat people. On the other hand, I’ve also met people who radiate true charisma. Their attractiveness comes from healthy self-esteem – accepting who they are and enjoying their existence.

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