Aggressività dislocata è un termine che descrive lo sfogo dell'aggressività su persone o oggetti che non sono la fonte della frustrazione, ma sono bersagli più sicuri.
In large cities, for instance, it’s not uncommon to encounter strangers who aggressively criticize you for a minor, unintentional mistake, shop assistants who act hostile or disrespectful, or various officials who belittle you for not knowing random details about their job. These are small acts through which people often release their pent-up frustrations in seemingly insignificant situations—ones where confronting them might seem unnecessary or foolish. They choose such “petty” scenarios because they hope they won’t be challenged. (Remember: if they were brave, they would have already confronted the real source of their frustration.)
La prima domanda da porsi è: questo dovrebbe darvi fastidio o no?
La seconda domanda è: dovete rispondere o no?
L'illusione della maturità
For a long time, I was deeply convinced that if I were emotionally healthy and mature enough, such things wouldn’t bother me. I believed I’d be able to “rise above it,” to be full of understanding for others’ imperfections and so secure in my own identity that no one’s opinion could shake me.
Over time, I began to realize that I had imposed such expectations on myself for two reasons. The first was a childlike need to be perfect, The second—a much subtler one—it was a way to avoid realistically confronting others, expressing differing opinions, and taking responsibility for standing up for myself in real-world interactions.
Sembrava che avessi assunto in modo molto maturo la completa e perfetta responsabilità dei miei sentimenti, cercando sempre la causa del problema dentro di me. Allo stesso tempo, speravo inconsciamente di poter trovare sempre la soluzione solo dentro di me, evitando così situazioni rischiose e intimidatorie che richiedevano una completa onestà con gli altri.
Gli istinti come segnali di allarme
Tornando alla prima domanda: Dovrebbe darmi fastidio?
Today, I’d say: both yes and no. No, not to the extent that I would judge or feel the need to argue with the other person. But to some extent, yes—because feelings of irritation and discomfort are perfectly natural defense mechanisms that instinctively signal potential problems or danger, anything unhealthy or unjust.
Without the defense mechanisms of discomfort, pain, and fear, no species would survive. Moreover, the better a being’s warning system against danger, the higher its chances of survival.
The same applies to emotional pain. Generations of people, especially women, were taught that if you love someone, you’ll stay by their side, tolerate their flaws, and understand their immaturity. (This is just another variation of the earlier idea: if you love yourself enough, nothing can hurt you.) Such beliefs led generations of people to remain in abusive relationships. The defense mechanism was similar: justifying with lofty ideals to silence the inner voice and avoid confronting external reality.
Sentimenti contrastanti
I’ve mentioned the idea of “knowing who I am to the extent that no one’s opinion can shake me.” A nice concept. But the ability to allow our opinions to be challenged is fundamental to inner growth and emotional evolution. People who refuse to question their beliefs tend to be rigid and slow to progress.
Occasionally doubting oneself doesn’t necessarily signal a lack of confidence. It can be a natural and beneficial mechanism for self-reflection, offering opportunities for growth.
However, the confusion often arises from feeling both mature and immature doubts, insecurities, discomforts, or anger at the same time. Immature emotions, stemming from deep-seated feelings of inadequacy, are often more painful and dominant. This makes us more aware of them, prompting attempts to suppress or “heal” them, often overlooking the messages from more mature emotions.
With time and practice, distinguishing between mature and immature emotions becomes easier. Mature emotions, while sometimes unpleasant, are less painful, lack the fear of making mistakes, and don’t “bite” as persistently as immature ones do. Learning to differentiate between these overlapping emotions is a greater challenge but a skill that can be developed.
Tradizioni e aspettative
Dovete reagire e farvi valere quando vi trovate di fronte ad attacchi irrazionali da parte di estranei?
It’s important to realize that any “should” reflects dogmatic thinking often rooted in immature needs. Saying, “You should respond and express yourself,” can lead to compulsive conflicts driven by a power struggle. Saying, “You shouldn’t bother; it’s not worth it,” reflects an avoidance mechanism similar to those described earlier.
The crux of the problem is that in our society, openly expressing disagreement or discomfort with someone’s behavior or words is often viewed as aggressive and is discouraged, even in cases where the other person was clearly in the wrong.
Evitare i conflitti
Most people suppress their genuine feelings and thoughts for these reasons. Imagine how it would feel to express yourself completely honestly and openly—it might be a tremendous relief, but also a significant risk, leaving you feeling exposed.
This suppression begins in childhood. Adults often cannot tolerate children’s honesty and spontaneity, silencing them in subtle or harsher ways—sometimes under the guise of teaching empathy (to avoid hurting others’ feelings), and sometimes through aggressive humiliation.
Children are also taught not to defend themselves against aggression and injustice. Often, well-meaning advice like “Ignore it; don’t let it get to you” comes from parents’ fear that their child might face even greater harm if they fight back. While these fears are valid, it’s crucial that children learn to resolve conflicts constructively and assertively.
La maggior parte di noi, quindi, non ha mai avuto la possibilità di imparare a esprimere il disaccordo o la rabbia in modo costruttivo e rispettoso. Allo stesso modo, facciamo fatica ad accettare le critiche perché spesso scatenano emozioni radicate in esperienze passate di umiliazione. Di conseguenza, iniziamo a combattere l'altra persona invece di affrontare il problema.
It’s vital to learn to express discomfort and disagreement when they are still mild so that they can be addressed respectfully and constructively before emotions escalate. Everything we feel can be expressed in thousands of ways. Practicing new approaches rather than repeating old patterns is key.
One of those approaches can simply be pointing out to the other person that what they are doing is displaced aggression. For example, by asking, “Who are you really angry at?” or a bit more assertively, “Whatever you are angry with, don’t take it out on me!”
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