Come liberarsi dal legame del trauma

Domanda: Close to a year ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. However, I still feel a deep connection with my ex. It’s difficult to stop thinking about them and wishing they could change. I read it’s called trauma bond. But why does it persist for so long?

Risposta:

L'effetto di un legame traumatico è forte perché, durante gli eventi traumatici, lottiamo per sopravvivere. Qualsiasi cosa ci porti sollievo in queste situazioni, la nostra mente può associarla alla sicurezza e alla sopravvivenza. Questo potrebbe includere un senso di connessione con l'abusante, soprattutto se questi utilizza anche un rinforzo positivo. Per la nostra mente subconscia, la sopravvivenza è più importante della qualità della vita.

Another reason might be that the recent trauma has some similarities with your early childhood trauma (even if childhood trauma is sometimes much milder and based on misunderstanding rather than someone’s malicious intentions). As a child, you might have formed the impression that being loved is associated with not being treated well. You might have longed to help an emotionally unstable, unpredictable parent. Maybe some childhood experiences taught you to associate survival and love with drama, control and unpredictability. I know it doesn’t sound logical, but a child’s emotions have their own kind of logic (See also: Logica emotiva).

If childhood feelings have not gotten “closure,” we can feel a strong urge to bond to people who cause us similar emotions. We can hope they will finally understand us and change – the way we hoped our parents would. We can hope to earn love from them, just like we tried with our parents.

There is often a deep, almost instinctive hope that if we can somehow manage to get that kind of closure, life will finally make sense and we can finally relax and feel good about ourselves. That’s why trauma bond can make you feel attached to a toxic person for a long time. If that rings a bell, you need to remember it’s an echo of your childhood, not reality. You need to help your inner child heal.

Il nostro meditazione guidata qui can help you heal childhood trauma. Once your childhood programming is healed, adult trauma bond often weakens much more easily. Another meditation you might want to try is to imagine the qualities of your dream partner and how they would treat you. Then compare it to your ex’s behavior. The contrast between the two can wake you up.

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