My Partner’s Daughter is Jealous of Our Relationship (Emotional Incest)

Pregunta: I am 52 years old, divorced, and recently started a new relationship with a divorced man who has three adult daughters. Since he introduced me to his daughters, the youngest of them has been feeling very insecure. She has started coming over more often, cooking and shopping for him. She shows me that I am unwanted through passive aggression, leaving ambiguous messages on his bedside table, asking provocative questions… He tries to discourage her, but instead of being direct, he acts passively-aggressively and it doesn’t yield results. I don’t know how to handle this or how much I should interfere in their relationship.

Respuesta: Father-daughter enmeshment is still somewhat more rare than mother-son emotional entanglement, but it’s not uncommon. It seems that the daughter lacks a clear understanding of the difference between a partnership and a parent-child relationship. She has likely been entangled in a pattern of incesto emocional desde que era niña, a lo que sin duda han contribuido sus padres. Necesita entender que su padre la quiere como hija, no como pareja, y que una cosa no excluye a la otra. Sin embargo, esto puede ser difícil de conseguir porque sus patrones subconscientes se han construido a lo largo de muchos años y pueden resistirse a las explicaciones racionales.

Ideally, her father should explain this difference to her and set clear boundaries. A major problem here is insufficiently clear communication. He is trying to send a non-verbal message, but she may interpret it her own way or decide to ignore it. Try talking to your partner about why he finds it difficult to communicate directly. As a child, he was probably punished or discouraged if he expressed himself clearly verbally, or he learned from his parents’ example that passive aggression yields results. However, the situation has changed in the meantime.

How much should you interfere in their relationship? You have the right to react to behavior that is disrespectful and hurtful towards you. However, it is important to first assess how much of your hurt is real (neglect and violation of your personal boundaries, disrespect, insults…) and how much might stem from childhood (fear, guilt, feelings of abandonment and worthlessness, competitiveness…). In any case, it is necessary to act like an adult and communicate clearly, calmly, and respectfully.

El tiempo demostrará entonces si las cosas cambian o no. Nadie cambia de la noche a la mañana. Si la hija se siente más segura y se acostumbra a ti con el tiempo, puede que las cosas mejoren. Con el tiempo también tendrás la oportunidad de ver otras características de comportamiento de tu pareja y evaluar si es la persona adecuada para ti o no. Ahora mismo, lo más importante para ti es centrarte en reforzar tu propia autoestima y comunicarte con claridad y consideración.

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Incesto emocional

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