¿Es su agotamiento el resultado de una culpa inconsciente?

Cómo los ayudantes se convierten en ayudantes

From social workers to medical nurses, nobody dedicates their career to helping people without a reason. OK, there are some charlatans who exploit people, like everywhere; there are some people who just hope for a safe job or status, but maybe even then there are some hidden reasons why they were attracted to such a profession.

Still, let’s stay with those helping professionals who don’t focus on money, who might be aware that they’d never be rich or promoted, who don’t bait people with glamour and promises of magic, who care to make a positive change in the lives of others.

Estas personas suelen elegir su profesión basándose en lo que les resulta más fácil de identificar y lo que es más familiar y personalmente importanteAlgunos de ellos pueden ser naturalmente más empáticos que el promedio, pero muchos encuentran importante la ayuda porque ya han experimentado la necesidad de ayuda, ya sea en su propia experiencia o a través de alguien cercano a ellos. Tales ayudantes son los más propensos a sufrir agotamiento.

Burnout is a syndrome characterized by a lack of energy, motivation, and a sense of meaning in one’s job, often resulting from long-term stress, lost ideals, and diminished hope. It frequently seeps into personal life, manifesting as anxiety and depression. On the surface, it may appear to be the result of external stress and disappointment, but deeper causes often lie beneath.

Un exagerado sentido de la responsabilidad desde la infancia

If children face illness, violence, addiction or some other type of chronic instability in their close environment, they will usually feel the need to help. They might even feel it’s their responsibility to help, even if nobody asks them to (and some parents do ask children for help, unhealthy as it is). A small child doesn’t have enough experience to be able to estimate how (un)realistic that is.

At the same time, children naturally perceive themselves as the center of everything that is going on around them. Thus even if they don’t see themselves as contributing or causing the problem (which small children often do), they might perceive themselves as responsible for providing solutions, or at least some relief.

Por supuesto, los niños no suelen ser la verdadera causa de los problemas familiares, ni tienen los recursos y experiencias necesarios para proporcionar una ayuda significativa, pero por muy poco realista que sea, los niños se verían a sí mismos como parte del problema Algunos niños pueden participar activamente (por ejemplo, en algunos casos de violencia doméstica los niños tratan de proteger verbalmente o físicamente a un padre maltratado), y algunos niños simplemente tratan de ser lo mejor posible, con la esperanza de que de alguna manera eso llegue a las personas importantes.

Como la causa del problema no suele estar relacionada con el niño, no es probable que la situación mejore, y podría empeorar con el tiempo. Cuanto más jóvenes y más sensibles sean los niños, más probable es que se culpan a sí mismos for their lack of success. This doesn’t happen on the level of rational thinking (which might not even be developed yet), but in much more instinctive, emotional parts of the brain.

Such children might spend a lot of time feeling stress, anxiety or emotional paralysis, on one hand believing they should be able to influence something, and on the other hand feeling that no importa cuánto lo intenten, no es suficiente.

Este último es un problema común del que sufren muchas personas, pero no todos escogen las profesiones de ayuda. Algunos pueden intentar resolver estos sentimientos no resueltos enamorándose de personas con problemas, a las que pueden intentar salvar y ayudar, con la esperanza inconsciente de que esta vez sean capaces de satisfacer las necesidades de los demás y sus propias expectativas de sí mismos. Esto a menudo termina con el ayudante convirtiéndose en la víctima y comenzando todo el ciclo de nuevo. Pero esa es otra historia.

Sentirse responsable del mundo entero

Si esas personas deciden convertirse en profesionales de la ayuda, proyectarán fácilmente su necesidad de ayuda de la infancia y su apego a la consecución de los resultados deseados en muchos casos a los que se enfrentan en su trabajo. Entonces la falta de éxito o un éxito menor del esperado puede desencadenar problemas no resueltos de la infancia of feeling inadequate, unrealistic responsibility, and guilt.

Such people might spend their free time pondering the mistakes they might have made, all the things they could have done differently, the moments in which they could have used a better word or invested a bit more effort… forgetting all the mitigating circumstances, as well as the responsibility of other people.

A client I will call Adriana is a helping professional. Her parents used to fight a lot when she was a child, and sometimes fights would escalate into physical violence. Adriana felt stress and guilt, she tried to be good and cooperative, but would achieve nothing.

Besides, her mother also carried guilt and sense of inadequacy from her own childhood, which Adriana modeled through the normal process of learning through identifying with the parent of the same gender. Both parents were also very critical to Adriana, while, as is often the case, taking her qualities and good results for granted.

Cuando Adriana se siente criticada en su trabajo, o se enfrenta a la falta de éxito, salen a la luz los viejos sentimientos de insuficiencia y culpa. Se cuestiona su comportamiento en detalle, preguntándose qué podría haber hecho de forma diferente, incluso si fuera racionalmente consciente de que no habría cambiado mucho. El estrés y los conflictos internos que esto crea a menudo le quitan energía, por lo que, especialmente cuando vuelve a casa, se siente cansada y desmotivada. Por supuesto, esto influye en su relación con su familia y en su capacidad para hacer las tareas domésticas (que de nuevo siente que debería ser capaz de hacer bien). Entonces se siente aún más culpable e inadecuada.

Not only that, but Adriana feels she should help others even more. She already donates to charities, but perhaps she should donate even more. Whenever a catastrophe happens somewhere in the world, she feels she should help at least a little. Sometimes she feels guilty when she allows herself to enjoy leisure time, because there are so many people suffering in the world, and maybe she could give a bit more of her time to them.

She’s aware that such extra efforts would be like a drop in the ocean, but each drop still means something. Maybe dismissing the influence of her efforts is just a way to avoid responsibility? There were people in history who achieved incredible results through their courage and hard work, in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles. There are people who risked their safety, or even their lives, for the change they wanted, and they are to thank for what we have today.

When enough people come together, they can bring change – maybe Adriana should be braver, louder, gather other people around her? But she lacks energy and enthusiasm, and then she wonders if it’s just selfishness.

Para un niño pequeño, la familia es el mundo entero. Es difícil incluso ser consciente de algo que ocurre fuera de ella. Así que, al igual que los adultos pueden esperar que el resto del mundo los trate como sus familias los trataron, también pueden proyectan su sentimiento de responsabilidad hacia sus familias en todo el mundo.

¿Cómo encontrar el equilibrio?

Adriana is, of course, correct when she says social responsibility is important and that even a drop in the ocean means something. If most people thought their contribution wouldn’t matter, or that somebody else should take responsibility, nothing would ever change – and that’s exactly how things often go.

Yet, Adriana takes a disproportionate, exaggerated part of that responsibility upon herself; not enough to endanger her safety and life, but enough to damage the quality of her life, and perhaps health, too. It can be more difficult to recognize a feeling as childish when there are rational arguments supporting it. And then we can go over the top.

Adriana felt great relief as soon as we managed to find and reach the lost, frightened little girl inside her, which on some level was still listening to her parents fighting. Understanding where her burden comes from and why she couldn’t resolve it as a child already gave her a much better perspective. Additional work on healing her relationship with parents helped her feel good in her own skin and appreciate the value of her efforts.

She’ll probably always desire to help people – there’s nothing wrong with it – but if she can support the little girl within, she can find balance – recognize when she had enough and value the quality of her own life without feeling guilty.

Muchas personas se sorprenden al descubrir cuántas emociones pueden reflejar la experiencia y el condicionamiento de la infancia, incluso cuando esas emociones parecen ser causadas por circunstancias externas. En particular, los sentimientos de culpa, impotencia o inadecuación suelen originarse en la infancia y suelen estar en la raíz de la depresión en la edad adulta. Vale la pena averiguar de dónde provienen.

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