Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)

 Biologie hinter Liebe und Anziehung

Eine beträchtliche Anzahl von Männern bestärkt sich gegenseitig in dem Glauben, dass Frauen dominante Männer wollen, die sie überwältigen und ihnen ihren Platz zeigen. It is true that women are somewhat more biologically attracted to confident, even dominant men (although there are plenty of opposite examples, too, and the cultural model of desirable masculinity can influence women’s choices even if it’s not particularly healthy). The instinctive, usually unconscious hope behind this attraction is that such a man can be a safe place, perhaps even protection from the danger in the world (wild animals  if you like prehistorical terms; enemy warriors if you like medieval terms. As for the modern world, there is still enough stupidity, aggression and ignorance going around that a safe place to relax is more than welcome).

Die Realität ist meist genau das Gegenteil und schnell ernüchternd: Dominanz als biologische und charakterliche Eigenschaft (unabhängig vom Geschlecht) geht logischerweise mit dem Wunsch nach Dominanz und Macht einher. Zu rechtfertigen Sie solche Triebe, a dominant person often ends up perceiving other people (especially people who don’t fight for dominance) as less valuable, less respectable – less people. Overconfidence and empathy don’t go well together – to be overconfident, you usually need to disregard opinions and feelings of other people – that is, you cannot include their perspectives into your experience – you cannot use much empathy.

This doesn’t exclude their families – quite the opposite, the families might bear the brunt of it, because most people express their worst sides in a safe environment such as a family provides. Thus a woman who chooses a dominant man will usually find that she has to sich vor genau der Person zu schützen, bei der sie sich sicher zu fühlen hoffte.

Once a dominant person develops such psychological patterns, it’s sehr unwahrscheinlich that they would be motivated to change and control their own urges for power as well as excuses they create for seeking power.  After all, dominance often results in emotional pleasure as well as praktische und soziale Vorteile. Few people are strong enough to give all those benefits up in the name of “abstract” ethical ideals such as responsibility.

On the other hand, many women complain that men prefer “bitches” and so they might encourage each other to play games with men. Wenn Männer sich zu ungesunden (egoistischen oder aggressiven) Frauen hingezogen fühlen, there is also a biological aspect to it – it’s a human instinct to look for a desirable and “high value” partner. So if somebody acts in ways our primitive brains can interpret like they value themselves, even if this means arrogance, criticism and emotional unavailability, our “reptile” brains might say: “Hey! A high-status potential mate! Go for it!” It’s in our biological nature to Vertrauen über Kompetenz stellen – just look at the political scene in pretty much every country.

Allerdings, unsere Umwelt hat den entscheidenden Einfluss over which of our instincts will we follow. I’ve already written a lot about wie unsere Familien unsere emotionalen Muster beeinflussen in intimen Beziehungen. Wenn wir von ethischen, mitfühlenden Eltern erzogen wurden, wird dies für uns normal sein und wir werden uns ähnliche Partner suchen. In einem solchen Fall wird eine instinktive Anziehung zu Dominanz oder Arroganz oft durch ein gesundes Familienmodell außer Kraft gesetzt. Das Problem ist, dass die meisten Menschen in gewisser Weise noch ungesund oder unreif sind, so dass die meisten Kinder unausgereifte Modelle auf unausgereiften biologischen Instinkten.

Bleiben Sie Ihren Werten treu

Die gute Nachricht ist, dass Sie solche Programmierungen durch engagierte Arbeit an sich selbst rückgängig machen können und trainieren Sie, echte Qualität zu erkennen in potential partners. A pleasant little exercise: instead of fantasizing about somebody who doesn’t treat you well, start fantasizing about a relationship which is everything you want. Get your brain used to the idea.  But do not imagine such a good relationship with the same person, or any specific person. Create the space in your mind to allow somebody new.

Stellen Sie Ihre wichtigen Werte und Bedürfnisse in den Vordergrund. It’s fine (and often necessary) to make a compromise about secondary  values, but as soon as you start compromising your important values, you catch yourself in a web from which you might have trouble freeing yourself. You feel you betrayed yourself, you trust and appreciate yourself less – and you feel Seltsam verbunden zu der Beziehung: Wenn Sie so viel Mühe in sie investiert haben, kann es sich schwierig anfühlen, alles aufzugeben und neu anzufangen.

If you hope that the other person will appreciate your sacrifice … well, they will probably notice and feel good about it, but few people are able to control their own primitiver Drang, diejenigen auszubeuten, die ihre Grenzen überschreiten lassen. So they will ask for more and more, step by step, until you feel like a puppet on a string. In the same time, they appreciate you less and less because you show that you don’t value yourself enough.

So do you need to become cold, dismissive and insensitive to attract a partner? No – you can show that you value yourself without betraying your integrity and becoming bitter and cynical. Being ehrlich, klar und konsequent über Ihre Werte und Grenzen ist ein klares Zeichen für ein gesundes Selbstwertgefühl. Dies ist etwas, das Sie kann nicht fälschen. If you want a healthy relationship, you cannot say “These are my boundaries”, and then proceed to compromise them. You truly have to be willing to let people go if they are not compatible with your values. You also need to behave like that in the rest of your life and relationships, not just towards a (potential) partner.

Sie don’t have to hate or despise the other person to recognize he or she is not right for you and say good-bye. Many people stay in relationships because of their partners’ good qualities, while hoping that the bad ones would somehow change. It would be simple if people were all good or all bad, wouldn’t it? You need to value yourself enough to decide that some good qualities are not worth staying, if you are not happy with a certain person as who they are now.

Eine gute Wahl

One way or another, you will never be able to change a “bad guy/girl”. Sie sind nicht die Ursache des Problems, also können Sie auch nicht die Lösung sein. Je eher Sie dies akzeptieren und Ihre eigenen Werte und Grenzen wichtiger machen als eine Beziehungdesto besser ist das Leben, das Sie für sich selbst gestalten können. Dazu müssen Sie vielleicht etwas an der Verbesserung Ihres Selbstwertgefühls arbeiten (was sich wahrscheinlich auch in vielerlei anderer Hinsicht lohnen wird).

Should you choose a “nice guy/girl” then? If you listen to people and read online discussions, you might get the idea that people fall either into a “jerk” or a “doormat” category and there is nothing to choose from in between. Often people who compromise their values and lack self-esteem are labeled as “nice”, although sie sind auch nicht gesund. Die gesündesten (und attraktivsten) Menschen sind diejenigen, die beide zuversichtlich und sich selbst treu bleiben, ebenso wie einigermaßen freundlich und mitfühlend.

You might say it’s not easy to find such a person. This is true. Between selfish biological instincts, chaotic upbringing and deeply unhealthy society, few people manage to find that kind of internal balance. Yet, perhaps you might have trouble Erkennen von wahrem Vertrauen und Stärke, as it’s usually not so flamboyant and superficially charismatic as overconfidence (arrogance). Perhaps drop some of your more shallow criteria and look beyond the surface for people you can truly respect. In the same time, work on becoming a strong and internally balanced person yourself. Perhaps you can turn yourself into a person your dream partner dreams of.

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