Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)

Falling in love with “bad guys” is a mystery that is often discussed, but rarely understood. Let’s explore why it happens and how to reprogram our minds.

Biologia stojąca za miłością i przyciąganiem

Znaczna liczba mężczyzn zachęca się nawzajem, by wierzyć, że kobiety pragną dominujących mężczyzn, którzy będą obezwładnić ich i pokazać im ich miejsce. It is true that women are somewhat more biologically attracted to confident, even dominant men (although there are plenty of opposite examples, too, and the cultural model of desirable masculinity can influence women’s choices even if it’s not particularly healthy).

The instinctive, usually unconscious hope behind this attraction is that such a man can be a safe place, perhaps even protection from the danger in the world (wild animals  if you like prehistorical terms; enemy warriors if you like medieval terms. As for the modern world, there is still enough stupidity, aggression and ignorance going around that a safe place to relax is more than welcome).

Rzeczywistość jest zwykle zupełnie odwrotna i szybko otrzeźwia: dominacja jako cecha biologiczna i charakterologiczna (niezależnie od płci) logicznie towarzyszy pragnieniu dominacji i władzy. Do uzasadnić takie pragnienia, a dominant person often ends up perceiving other people (especially people who don’t fight for dominance) as less valuable, less respectable – less people.

Overconfidence and empathy don’t go well together – to be overconfident, “bad guys” need to disregard opinions and feelings of other people. That is, they cannot include your perspective into theirs experience – they cannot use much empathy.

This doesn’t exclude their families – quite the opposite, the families might bear the brunt of it, because “bad guys” express their worst sides in a safe environment such as a family provides. Thus a woman who chooses a dominant man will usually find that she has to chronić się przed osobą, z którą miała nadzieję czuć się bezpiecznie..

Once a dominant person develops such psychological patterns, it’s bardzo mało prawdopodobne that they would be motivated to change and control their own urges for power as well as excuses they create for seeking power.  After all, dominance often results in emotional pleasure as well as Korzyści praktyczne i społeczne. Few “bad guys” are strong enough to give all those benefits up in the name of “abstract” ethical ideals such as responsibility.

On the other hand, many women complain that men prefer “bitches” and so they might encourage each other to play games with men. Kiedy mężczyzn pociągają niezdrowe (samolubne lub agresywne) kobiety, there is also a biological aspect to it – it’s a human instinct to look for a desirable and “high value” partner.

So if somebody acts in ways our primitive brains can interpret like they value themselves, even if this means arrogance, criticism and emotional unavailability, our “reptile” brains might say: “Hey! A high-status potential mate! Go for it!” It’s in our biological nature to przedkładają pewność siebie nad kompetencje – just look at the political scene in pretty much every country.

Jednakże, Nasze środowisko ma decydujący wpływ over which of our instincts will we follow. I’ve already written a lot about Jak nasze rodziny wpływają na nasze wzorce emocjonalne in intimate relationships. If we were raised by ethical, compassionate parents, this will be normal to us and we will look for similar partners. In such a case, an instinctive attraction to dominance or arrogance will often be overridden by a healthy family model.

The problem is, most people are still unhealthy or immature in some ways, so most children receive niedojrzałe modele nałożone na niedojrzałe instynkty biologiczne.

Be faithful to your values (not bad guys)

Dobrą wiadomością jest to, że dzięki zaangażowanej pracy nad samodoskonaleniem można cofnąć takie programowanie i Wyćwicz się w dostrzeganiu prawdziwej jakości in potential partners. A pleasant little exercise: instead of fantasizing about somebody who doesn’t treat you well, start fantasizing about a relationship which is everything you want. Get your brain used to the idea.  But do not imagine such a good relationship with the same “bad guy”, or any specific person. Create the space in your mind to allow somebody new.

Postaw swoje ważne wartości i potrzeby na pierwszym miejscu. It’s fine (and often necessary) to make a compromise about secondary  values, but as soon as you start compromising your important values, you catch yourself in a web from which you might have trouble freeing yourself. You feel you betrayed yourself, you trust and appreciate yourself less – and you feel dziwna więź do związku: po zainwestowaniu w niego tak wiele wysiłku, może być trudno zrezygnować z tego wszystkiego i zacząć od nowa.

If you hope that your “bad guy” will appreciate your sacrifice … well, they will probably notice and feel good about it, but few people are able to control their own prymitywne pragnienie wykorzystywania tych, którzy pozwalają na przekraczanie swoich granic. So they will ask for more and more, step by step, until you feel like a puppet on a string. In the same time, they appreciate you less and less because you show that you don’t value yourself enough.

So do you need to become cold, dismissive and insensitive to attract a partner? No – you can show that you value yourself without betraying your integrity and becoming bitter and cynical. Being uczciwy, jasny i konsekwentny about your values and boundaries is a clear sign of a healthy self-esteem.

This is something you nie może być fałszywy. If you want a healthy relationship, you cannot say “These are my boundaries”, and then proceed to compromise them. You truly have to be willing to let people go if they are not compatible with your values. You also need to behave like that in the rest of your life and relationships, not just towards a (potential) partner.

Ty don’t have to hate or despise the “bad guy” to recognize he or she is not right for you and say good-bye. Many people stay in relationships because of their partners’ good qualities, while hoping that the bad ones would somehow change. It would be simple if people were all good or all bad, wouldn’t it? You need to value yourself enough to decide that some good qualities are not worth staying, if you are not happy with a certain person as who they are now.

Dobry wybór

One way or another, you will never be able to change a “bad guy/girl”. Nie jesteś przyczyną problemu, więc nie możesz być jego rozwiązaniem. Im szybciej to zaakceptujesz i uczynić własne wartości i granice ważniejszymi niż związektym lepsze życie możesz dla siebie stworzyć. Może to wymagać pracy nad poprawą poczucia własnej wartości (co prawdopodobnie będzie satysfakcjonujące na wiele innych sposobów).

Should you choose a “nice guy/girl” then? If you listen to people and read online discussions, you might get the idea that people fall either into a “jerk” or a “doormat” category and there is nothing to choose from in between. Often people who compromise their values and lack self-esteem are labeled as “nice”, although one też nie są zdrowe. Najzdrowsi (i najbardziej atrakcyjni) ludzie to ci, którzy są obaj pewni siebie i wierni sobie, jak również rozsądnie życzliwy i współczujący.

You might say it’s not easy to find such a person. This is true. Between selfish biological instincts, chaotic upbringing and deeply unhealthy society, few people manage to find that kind of internal balance. Yet, perhaps you might have trouble rozpoznawanie prawdziwej pewności siebie i siły, as it’s usually not so flamboyant and superficially charismatic as a bad guy’s overconfidence (arrogance).

Perhaps drop some of your more shallow criteria and look beyond the surface for people you can truly respect. In the same time, work on becoming a strong and internally balanced person yourself. Perhaps you can turn yourself into a person your dream partner dreams of.

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