你的职业倦怠是无意识内疚的结果吗？

助人者如何成为助人者

From social workers to medical nurses, nobody dedicates their career to helping people without a reason. OK, there are some charlatans who exploit people, like everywhere; there are some people who just hope for a safe job or status, but maybe even then there are some hidden reasons why they were attracted to such a profession. Still, let’s stay with those helping professionals who don’t focus on money, who might be aware that they’d never be rich or promoted, who don’t bait people with glamour and promises of magic, who care to make a positive change in the lives of others.

这些人在选择职业时，通常会考虑他们更容易认同的职业，以及更容易 耳熟能详.他们中的一些人可能天生就比一般人更有同理心，但许多人之所以认为帮助很重要，是因为他们已经在自己的经历中或通过身边的人体验过需要帮助的感觉。这样的助人者最容易产生职业倦怠。

Burnout is a syndrome characterized by a lack of energy, motivation, and a sense of meaning in one’s job, often resulting from long-term stress, lost ideals, and diminished hope. It frequently seeps into personal life, manifesting as anxiety and depression. On the surface, it may appear to be the result of external stress and disappointment, but deeper causes often lie beneath.

从小就有夸大的责任感

If children face illness, violence, addiction or some other type of chronic instability in their close environment, they will usually feel the need to help. They might even feel it’s their responsibility to help, even if nobody asks them to (and some parents do ask children for help, unhealthy as it is). A small child doesn’t have enough experience to be able to estimate how (un)realistic that is. At the same time, children naturally perceive themselves as the center of everything that is going on around them. Thus even if they don’t see themselves as contributing or causing the problem (which small children often do), they might perceive themselves as responsible for providing solutions, or at least some relief.

当然，孩子通常不是家庭问题的真正原因，他们也没有提供重要帮助所需的资源和经验。然而，无论这多么不切实际、 孩子们会认为自己是问题的一部分 并试图改变什么。有些孩子可能会积极参与其中（例如，在某些家庭暴力案件中，孩子们会试图从言语或身体上保护受虐待的父母），而有些孩子则只是尽力做好自己，希望通过某种方式让重要的人知道。

As the cause of the problem is usually unrelated to the child, the situation is not likely to get any better, and might with time get worse. The younger and more sensitive children are, the more likely they’d 自责 for their lack of success. This doesn’t happen on the level of rational thinking (which might not even be developed yet), but in much more instinctive, emotional parts of the brain. Such children might spend a lot of time feeling stress, anxiety or emotional paralysis, on one hand believing they should be able to influence something, and on the other hand feeling that no matter how much they try, it’s not enough.

The latter is a common problem from which many people suffer, but they don’t all chose helping professions. Some might try to solve such unresolved feelings by falling in love with persons with problems, whom they might try to save and help, in an unconscious hope that this time they’d be able to fulfill others’ needs and their own expectations of themselves. This often ends up with the helper becoming the victim and starting the whole cycle anew. But that’s another story.

觉得自己要对整个世界负责

如果这些人决定成为助人专业人员，他们就会很容易将自己童年时的助人需求和对取得预期结果的执着投射到工作中面临的许多情况中。那么，不成功或不如预期的成功就会引发 悬而未决的童年问题 of feeling inadequate, unrealistic responsibility, and guilt. Such people might spend their free time pondering the mistakes they might have made, all the things they could have done differently, the moments in which they could have used a better word or invested a bit more effort… forgetting all the mitigating circumstances, as well as the responsibility of other people.

我的一位客户叫阿德里亚娜，是一名助人专业人士。她的父母在她小时候经常吵架，有时甚至会升级为肢体暴力。阿德里亚娜感到压力和内疚，她努力表现得乖巧、合作，但却一无所获。此外，她的母亲也带着自己童年的负罪感和不足感，阿德里亚娜通过认同同性父母的正常学习过程来塑造这种负罪感和不足感。父母亲对阿德里亚娜的批评也非常严厉，同时，他们往往认为阿德里亚娜的品质和好成绩是理所当然的。

When Adriana feels criticized at her job, or faces lack of success, the old feelings of inadequacy and guilt come out. She questions her behavior in detail, wondering what she could have done differently, even if rationally aware it wouldn’t have changed much. The stress and inner conflict this creates often drain her of energy so, especially when she comes home, she feels tired and unmotivated. Of course, this influences her relationship with her family and ability to do house chores (which she again feels she should be able to do well). Then she feels even more guilty and inadequate.

Not only that, but Adriana feels she should help others even more. She already donates to charities, but perhaps she should donate even more. Whenever a catastrophe happens somewhere in the world, she feels she should help at least a little. Sometimes she feels guilty when she allows herself to enjoy leisure time, because there are so many people suffering in the world, and maybe she could give a bit more of her time to them. She’s aware that such extra efforts would be like a drop in the ocean, but each drop still means something. Maybe dismissing the influence of her efforts is just a way to avoid responsibility? There were people in history who achieved incredible results through their courage and hard work, in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles. There are people who risked their safety, or even their lives, for the change they wanted, and they are to thank for what we have today. When enough people come together, they can bring change – maybe Adriana should be braver, louder, gather other people around her? But she lacks energy and enthusiasm, and then she wonders if it’s just selfishness.

For a small child, the family is the whole world. It’s difficult to even be aware of something going on outside it. So, just as adult people can expect the rest of the world to treat them like their families treated them, they can also 把对家庭的责任感投射到全世界.

如何找到平衡？

Adriana is, of course, correct when she says social responsibility is important and that even a drop in the ocean means something. If most people thought their contribution wouldn’t matter, or that somebody else should take responsibility, nothing would ever change – and that’s exactly how things often go. Yet, Adriana takes a disproportionate, exaggerated part of that responsibility upon herself; not enough to endanger her safety and life, but enough to damage the quality of her life, and perhaps health, too. It can be more difficult to recognize a feeling as childish when there are rational arguments supporting it. And then we can go over the top.

Adriana felt great relief as soon as we managed to find and reach the lost, frightened little girl inside her, which on some level was still listening to her parents fighting. Understanding where her burden comes from and why she couldn’t resolve it as a child already gave her a much better perspective. Additional work on healing her relationship with parents helped her feel good in her own skin and appreciate the value of her efforts. She’ll probably always desire to help people – there’s nothing wrong with it – but if she can support the little girl within, she can find balance – recognize when she had enough and value the quality of her own life without feeling guilty.

Many people are surprised to find out how many emotions can reflect childhood experience and conditioning, even when those emotions seem to be caused by external circumstances. In particular, feelings of guilt, helplessness or inadequacy often originate in childhood and are often in the root of adult depression. It’s worth finding out where they come from.

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