Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)

 爱情和吸引力背后的生物学

相当多的男性相互鼓励，认为女性需要的是有支配力的男性，他们会 让他们知道自己的位置. It is true that women are somewhat more biologically attracted to confident, even dominant men (although there are plenty of opposite examples, too, and the cultural model of desirable masculinity can influence women’s choices even if it’s not particularly healthy). The instinctive, usually unconscious hope behind this attraction is that such a man can be a safe place, perhaps even protection from the danger in the world (wild animals  if you like prehistorical terms; enemy warriors if you like medieval terms. As for the modern world, there is still enough stupidity, aggression and ignorance going around that a safe place to relax is more than welcome).

现实通常恰恰相反，而且很快就会让人清醒：作为一种生物和性格特征（无论性别），支配欲顺理成章地伴随着对支配和权力的渴望。为了 为这种冲动辩解, a dominant person often ends up perceiving other people (especially people who don’t fight for dominance) as less valuable, less respectable – less people. Overconfidence and empathy don’t go well together – to be overconfident, you usually need to disregard opinions and feelings of other people – that is, you cannot include their perspectives into your experience – you cannot use much empathy.

This doesn’t exclude their families – quite the opposite, the families might bear the brunt of it, because most people express their worst sides in a safe environment such as a family provides. Thus a woman who chooses a dominant man will usually find that she has to 保护自己免受她希望感到安全的人的伤害.

Once a dominant person develops such psychological patterns, it’s 不太可能 that they would be motivated to change and control their own urges for power as well as excuses they create for seeking power.  After all, dominance often results in emotional pleasure as well as 实际和社会效益. Few people are strong enough to give all those benefits up in the name of “abstract” ethical ideals such as responsibility.

On the other hand, many women complain that men prefer “bitches” and so they might encourage each other to play games with men. 当男性被不健康（自私或咄咄逼人）的女性吸引时, there is also a biological aspect to it – it’s a human instinct to look for a desirable and “high value” partner. So if somebody acts in ways our primitive brains can interpret like they value themselves, even if this means arrogance, criticism and emotional unavailability, our “reptile” brains might say: “Hey! A high-status potential mate! Go for it!” It’s in our biological nature to 重信心轻能力 – just look at the political scene in pretty much every country.

然而 我们的环境具有决定性影响 over which of our instincts will we follow. I’ve already written a lot about 家庭如何影响我们的情感模式 在亲密关系中。如果我们是由有道德、有同情心的父母抚养长大的，这对我们来说是正常的，我们也会寻找类似的伴侣。在这种情况下，对支配欲或傲慢的本能吸引往往会被健康的家庭模式所取代。问题是，大多数人在某些方面仍然是不健康或不成熟的，因此大多数孩子接受的是 以不成熟的生物本能为基础的不成熟模型.

忠于自己的价值观

好消息是，只要潜心自我提升，你就能消除这些程序，并且 训练自己注意真正的质量 in potential partners. A pleasant little exercise: instead of fantasizing about somebody who doesn’t treat you well, start fantasizing about a relationship which is everything you want. Get your brain used to the idea.  But do not imagine such a good relationship with the same person, or any specific person. Create the space in your mind to allow somebody new.

将重要的价值观和需求放在首位. It’s fine (and often necessary) to make a compromise about secondary  values, but as soon as you start compromising your important values, you catch yourself in a web from which you might have trouble freeing yourself. You feel you betrayed yourself, you trust and appreciate yourself less – and you feel 藕断丝连 关系：一旦你为这段关系投入了如此多的精力，要放弃一切重新开始就会感觉很困难。

If you hope that the other person will appreciate your sacrifice … well, they will probably notice and feel good about it, but few people are able to control their own 原始冲动，剥削那些允许自己的界限被逾越的人. So they will ask for more and more, step by step, until you feel like a puppet on a string. In the same time, they appreciate you less and less because you show that you don’t value yourself enough.

So do you need to become cold, dismissive and insensitive to attract a partner? No – you can show that you value yourself without betraying your integrity and becoming bitter and cynical. Being 诚实、明确和一致 你的价值观和底线是健康自尊的明显标志。这是你 无法伪造. If you want a healthy relationship, you cannot say “These are my boundaries”, and then proceed to compromise them. You truly have to be willing to let people go if they are not compatible with your values. You also need to behave like that in the rest of your life and relationships, not just towards a (potential) partner.

你 don’t have to hate or despise the other person to recognize he or she is not right for you and say good-bye. Many people stay in relationships because of their partners’ good qualities, while hoping that the bad ones would somehow change. It would be simple if people were all good or all bad, wouldn’t it? You need to value yourself enough to decide that some good qualities are not worth staying, if you are not happy with a certain person as who they are now.

正确选择

One way or another, you will never be able to change a “bad guy/girl”. 你不是问题的根源，所以你不可能成为解决方案.你们越早接受这一点 把自己的价值观和底线看得比关系更重要，你就能为自己创造更美好的生活。这可能需要在提高自尊方面下些功夫（这可能会在很多其他方面带来回报）。

Should you choose a “nice guy/girl” then? If you listen to people and read online discussions, you might get the idea that people fall either into a “jerk” or a “doormat” category and there is nothing to choose from in between. Often people who compromise their values and lack self-esteem are labeled as “nice”, although 他们也不健康.最健康（也最有魅力）的人是那些 皆大欢喜 并忠于自己、 以及 合理 仁慈.

You might say it’s not easy to find such a person. This is true. Between selfish biological instincts, chaotic upbringing and deeply unhealthy society, few people manage to find that kind of internal balance. Yet, perhaps you might have trouble 认识到真正的自信和力量, as it’s usually not so flamboyant and superficially charismatic as overconfidence (arrogance). Perhaps drop some of your more shallow criteria and look beyond the surface for people you can truly respect. In the same time, work on becoming a strong and internally balanced person yourself. Perhaps you can turn yourself into a person your dream partner dreams of.

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