Чи є ваше вигорання наслідком несвідомого почуття провини?

Як помічники стають помічниками

From social workers to medical nurses, nobody dedicates their career to helping people without a reason. OK, there are some charlatans who exploit people, like everywhere; there are some people who just hope for a safe job or status, but maybe even then there are some hidden reasons why they were attracted to such a profession. Still, let’s stay with those helping professionals who don’t focus on money, who might be aware that they’d never be rich or promoted, who don’t bait people with glamour and promises of magic, who care to make a positive change in the lives of others.

Такі люди зазвичай обирають професію, виходячи з того, з чим їм легше ідентифікувати себе і що є більш знайомі та особисто важливі. Деякі з них можуть бути від природи більш емпатичними, ніж в середньому, але багато хто вважає допомогу важливою, тому що вони вже відчували потребу в допомозі, або на власному досвіді, або через когось із близьких їм людей. Такі помічники найчастіше страждають від вигорання.

Burnout is a syndrome characterized by a lack of energy, motivation, and a sense of meaning in one’s job, often resulting from long-term stress, lost ideals, and diminished hope. It frequently seeps into personal life, manifesting as anxiety and depression. On the surface, it may appear to be the result of external stress and disappointment, but deeper causes often lie beneath.

Перебільшене почуття відповідальності з дитинства

If children face illness, violence, addiction or some other type of chronic instability in their close environment, they will usually feel the need to help. They might even feel it’s their responsibility to help, even if nobody asks them to (and some parents do ask children for help, unhealthy as it is). A small child doesn’t have enough experience to be able to estimate how (un)realistic that is. At the same time, children naturally perceive themselves as the center of everything that is going on around them. Thus even if they don’t see themselves as contributing or causing the problem (which small children often do), they might perceive themselves as responsible for providing solutions, or at least some relief.

Звичайно, діти зазвичай не є справжньою причиною сімейних проблем, а також не мають ресурсів і досвіду, необхідних для надання суттєвої допомоги. Проте, яким би нереалістичним це не здавалося, діти бачитимуть себе частиною проблеми і намагатимуться щось змінити. Деякі діти можуть брати активну участь (наприклад, у деяких випадках домашнього насильства діти намагаються словесно або фізично захистити батьків, які зазнали насильства), а деякі просто намагатимуться бути якомога кращими, сподіваючись, що це якось достукається до важливих людей.

As the cause of the problem is usually unrelated to the child, the situation is not likely to get any better, and might with time get worse. The younger and more sensitive children are, the more likely they’d звинувачують себе for their lack of success. This doesn’t happen on the level of rational thinking (which might not even be developed yet), but in much more instinctive, emotional parts of the brain. Such children might spend a lot of time feeling stress, anxiety or emotional paralysis, on one hand believing they should be able to influence something, and on the other hand feeling that no matter how much they try, it’s not enough.

The latter is a common problem from which many people suffer, but they don’t all chose helping professions. Some might try to solve such unresolved feelings by falling in love with persons with problems, whom they might try to save and help, in an unconscious hope that this time they’d be able to fulfill others’ needs and their own expectations of themselves. This often ends up with the helper becoming the victim and starting the whole cycle anew. But that’s another story.

Відчуття відповідальності за весь світ

Якщо такі люди вирішать стати професіоналами, що допомагають, вони легко спроектують свою дитячу потребу допомагати і свою прив'язаність до досягнення бажаних результатів на багато випадків, з якими вони стикаються в роботі. Тоді відсутність успіху або успіх, менший за очікуваний, може спровокувати невирішені проблеми дитинства of feeling inadequate, unrealistic responsibility, and guilt. Such people might spend their free time pondering the mistakes they might have made, all the things they could have done differently, the moments in which they could have used a better word or invested a bit more effort… forgetting all the mitigating circumstances, as well as the responsibility of other people.

Клієнтка, яку я назву Адріаною, є фахівцем з надання допомоги. Коли вона була дитиною, її батьки часто сварилися, і іноді сварки переростали у фізичне насильство. Адріана відчувала стрес і провину, вона намагалася бути доброю і співпрацювати, але нічого не досягала. Крім того, її мати також несла в собі почуття провини та неадекватності з власного дитинства, яке Адріана змоделювала за допомогою звичайного процесу навчання через ідентифікацію з батьком тієї ж статі. Обидва батьки також дуже критично ставилися до Адріани, хоча, як це часто буває, сприймали її якості та хороші результати як належне.

When Adriana feels criticized at her job, or faces lack of success, the old feelings of inadequacy and guilt come out. She questions her behavior in detail, wondering what she could have done differently, even if rationally aware it wouldn’t have changed much. The stress and inner conflict this creates often drain her of energy so, especially when she comes home, she feels tired and unmotivated. Of course, this influences her relationship with her family and ability to do house chores (which she again feels she should be able to do well). Then she feels even more guilty and inadequate.

Not only that, but Adriana feels she should help others even more. She already donates to charities, but perhaps she should donate even more. Whenever a catastrophe happens somewhere in the world, she feels she should help at least a little. Sometimes she feels guilty when she allows herself to enjoy leisure time, because there are so many people suffering in the world, and maybe she could give a bit more of her time to them. She’s aware that such extra efforts would be like a drop in the ocean, but each drop still means something. Maybe dismissing the influence of her efforts is just a way to avoid responsibility? There were people in history who achieved incredible results through their courage and hard work, in spite of seemingly insurmountable obstacles. There are people who risked their safety, or even their lives, for the change they wanted, and they are to thank for what we have today. When enough people come together, they can bring change – maybe Adriana should be braver, louder, gather other people around her? But she lacks energy and enthusiasm, and then she wonders if it’s just selfishness.

For a small child, the family is the whole world. It’s difficult to even be aware of something going on outside it. So, just as adult people can expect the rest of the world to treat them like their families treated them, they can also проектують своє почуття відповідальності перед сім'єю на весь світ.

Як знайти баланс?

Adriana is, of course, correct when she says social responsibility is important and that even a drop in the ocean means something. If most people thought their contribution wouldn’t matter, or that somebody else should take responsibility, nothing would ever change – and that’s exactly how things often go. Yet, Adriana takes a disproportionate, exaggerated part of that responsibility upon herself; not enough to endanger her safety and life, but enough to damage the quality of her life, and perhaps health, too. It can be more difficult to recognize a feeling as childish when there are rational arguments supporting it. And then we can go over the top.

Adriana felt great relief as soon as we managed to find and reach the lost, frightened little girl inside her, which on some level was still listening to her parents fighting. Understanding where her burden comes from and why she couldn’t resolve it as a child already gave her a much better perspective. Additional work on healing her relationship with parents helped her feel good in her own skin and appreciate the value of her efforts. She’ll probably always desire to help people – there’s nothing wrong with it – but if she can support the little girl within, she can find balance – recognize when she had enough and value the quality of her own life without feeling guilty.

Many people are surprised to find out how many emotions can reflect childhood experience and conditioning, even when those emotions seem to be caused by external circumstances. In particular, feelings of guilt, helplessness or inadequacy often originate in childhood and are often in the root of adult depression. It’s worth finding out where they come from.

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