Question: Recently, I got married, but very quickly problems began with my mother-in-law. She doesn’t allow us privacy—she tries to spend every afternoon with us. She lies to my husband about me and makes up things I haven’t done. My husband even decided to cut short our honeymoon so his mom wouldn’t feel lonely. Before marriage, he was very tender and caring towards me, but now he increasingly insults and accuses me—the words he speaks come from his mother. If I confront him, he claims I’m mentally unstable and jealous. He forms and ends friendships at his mother’s urging. From family acquaintances, I’ve heard that his father was a good man, but his mother turned my husband against his father, too.
In the meantime, I’ve moved out and returned to my parents’ because I couldn’t bear it anymore, but I still love him. I’m considering divorce, but I still hope he could change. I believe he is fundamentally a good and kind person if only he could be freed from his mother’s influence. I would be sorry if everything fell apart and we missed an opportunity.
Response: It’s good that you decided to move out before you were tied down by children and shared property. Unfortunately, emotional incest is a very deep and serious problem. Your husband would need to put in a lot of work to change even if he were motivated, and it seems that motivation is lacking. For him, such a relationship is normal from childhood and he calls it love. He believes he and his mother love and care about each other deeply, and doesn’t notice the underlying manipulation. He has probably built an entire system of mental defense reflexes to justify his mother’s behavior. Based on what you’ve written, there is very little likelihood that this will change.
People rarely change after marriage—indeed, the more a marriage settles into routine, the more likely partners are to take each other for granted and begin to show their “darker” sides. No matter how much effort you put in, you cannot change him without motivation from his side. Such deep early childhood programming becomes almost instinctual and very difficult to change later on. You cannot influence his subconscious because his childhood programming has nothing to do with you and is stronger than external influences.
It’s understandable you regret that he cannot fulfill his potential. However, all other abusers were once children and had something good inside them, and perhaps still do somewhere deep inside. Compassion does not have to mean enduring the pain he inflicts on you. You can try to send him information about emotional incest, but from a safe distance. Consider whether you have a tendency to “rescue” people—perhaps you hoped to “save” or help your parents in a similar way to gain their approval? This could be an your own childhood programming. Focus on yourself and working through your feelings. In your next relationship, take time to carefully assess the other person and check for compatibility.
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