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This article was inspired by a common question: “Is it appropriate to give your partner advice about what you’d like them to change?” Let’s explore this topic:
Communicating Boundaries and Desires in Relationships
Effective relationship communication is key when considering offering advice to your partner about behavior changes. It is appropriate to address behaviors that hurt you or affect your quality of life. You have the right to communicate your boundaries and desires respectfully. Yet, unsolicited advice is often taken as criticism and can lead to conflict.
When addressing behavior changes in your partner, focus on the behavior rather than criticizing their personality. Explain your perspective in a friendly and non-confrontational manner.
If you’re hoping for your partner to change something for their benefit rather than solely yours, tread carefully. Firstly, consider how it would feel to you if somebody tried to change you in ways you might not like. Then, I suggest you start with the question: ‘Would it be OK for you if I gave you some advice about this topic?’ Communicate why the change is important to you.
For example: ‘Could we talk about your health and would it be OK for you if I gave you some advice about it? This is important to me, because health problems could influence the quality of our relationship in the future.’
Validation
Listen to and validate your partner’s point of view. Try to understand what the behavior means to them. It could be a coping mechanism, a way to connect with family, or a source of comfort or security based on their past experiences. Consider their personality, upbringing, and communication style when offering advice. Ask your partner if there is a way you could help them that they would really appreciate.
How they will react to your advice depends on multiple factors: their personality, upbringing, and role models; your personality and communication style; the non-verbal message you convey; the nature of your advice; and whether your relationship is generally tense or full of trust. They don’t have to agree with you, but it doesn’t mean it’s OK for them to put you down or verbally attack you, for example.
Finding balance and compromise in a relationship
If your partner doesn’t feel like doing what you suggest, avoid pressuring them. Remember they have the right to refuse you, and being in a relationship doesn’t mean they have to be exactly what you want, or vice versa. Some people seem to have a fairy-tale perception of intimate relationships, believing that in a successful relationship there is no disagreement, or even that for them to be happy, everything has to be their way. Such all-or-nothing perspective is counter-productive.
Rather than trying to change or control your partner, presume they will remain as they are, and re-examine the relationship. Is what you want them to change a condition for you to be happy in a relationship, or not? If it is, it might be better to cut your losses and leave sooner rather than later. If it isn’t, work on finding ways to accept them as they are. After all, being accepted for who they are is one of the most important desires in an intimate relationship for most people.
If you notice strong emotions surfacing inside of you while discussing this topic with your partner, examine them responsibly. Are they realistic? Or maybe they are oversimplified and childish? Are your concerns exaggerated? Does the situation remind you of somebody or something else from your past? Are you reacting to the past rather than seeing the present without prejudice? (See also: What Is Age Regression?)
Conclusion
Remember that most advice will be perceived as criticism, even if mild. Giving advice requires sensitivity, empathy, and responsibility. It’s essential to address behaviors rather than personalities, to listen actively, and to respect each other’s autonomy. Ultimately, relationships thrive on acceptance and understanding, where both partners feel valued for who they are while also supporting each other’s growth.
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