Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)

 愛と魅力の背後にある生物学

かなりの数の男性が、女性は支配的な男性を求めている、とお互いに信じ合っている。 彼らを圧倒し、居場所を示す. It is true that women are somewhat more biologically attracted to confident, even dominant men (although there are plenty of opposite examples, too, and the cultural model of desirable masculinity can influence women’s choices even if it’s not particularly healthy). The instinctive, usually unconscious hope behind this attraction is that such a man can be a safe place, perhaps even protection from the danger in the world (wild animals  if you like prehistorical terms; enemy warriors if you like medieval terms. As for the modern world, there is still enough stupidity, aggression and ignorance going around that a safe place to relax is more than welcome).

生物学的・性格的特徴としての優位性（性別に関係なく）には、論理的に支配欲や権力欲が伴う。には そのような衝動を正当化する, a dominant person often ends up perceiving other people (especially people who don’t fight for dominance) as less valuable, less respectable – less people. Overconfidence and empathy don’t go well together – to be overconfident, you usually need to disregard opinions and feelings of other people – that is, you cannot include their perspectives into your experience – you cannot use much empathy.

This doesn’t exclude their families – quite the opposite, the families might bear the brunt of it, because most people express their worst sides in a safe environment such as a family provides. Thus a woman who chooses a dominant man will usually find that she has to 一緒にいて安心できると思った相手から、自分を守る。.

Once a dominant person develops such psychological patterns, it’s まずあり得ない that they would be motivated to change and control their own urges for power as well as excuses they create for seeking power.  After all, dominance often results in emotional pleasure as well as 実用的かつ社会的な利点. Few people are strong enough to give all those benefits up in the name of “abstract” ethical ideals such as responsibility.

On the other hand, many women complain that men prefer “bitches” and so they might encourage each other to play games with men. 男性が不健康な（利己的で攻撃的な）女性に惹かれるとき, there is also a biological aspect to it – it’s a human instinct to look for a desirable and “high value” partner. So if somebody acts in ways our primitive brains can interpret like they value themselves, even if this means arrogance, criticism and emotional unavailability, our “reptile” brains might say: “Hey! A high-status potential mate! Go for it!” It’s in our biological nature to 能力よりも自信を重視する – just look at the political scene in pretty much every country.

しかしだ、 環境が決定的な影響を与える over which of our instincts will we follow. I’ve already written a lot about 家族が感情のパターンに与える影響 親密な関係において。倫理的で思いやりのある両親に育てられれば、それが普通となり、同じような相手を探すようになる。そのような場合、支配欲や傲慢さへの本能的な魅力は、健全な家族モデルによって打ち消されることが多い。問題は、ほとんどの人がまだ不健康であったり、未熟であったりすることである。 未熟な生物学的本能の上に未熟なモデル.

自分の価値観に忠実であれ

良いニュースは、自己改善に熱心に取り組めば、そのようなプログラミングを元に戻すことができるということだ。 本物の品質に気づく訓練 in potential partners. A pleasant little exercise: instead of fantasizing about somebody who doesn’t treat you well, start fantasizing about a relationship which is everything you want. Get your brain used to the idea.  But do not imagine such a good relationship with the same person, or any specific person. Create the space in your mind to allow somebody new.

あなたの大切な価値観とニーズを最優先する. It’s fine (and often necessary) to make a compromise about secondary  values, but as soon as you start compromising your important values, you catch yourself in a web from which you might have trouble freeing yourself. You feel you betrayed yourself, you trust and appreciate yourself less – and you feel 不思議な縁 一旦その関係に多大な労力を費やしてしまうと、それをすべて放棄して新たに始めるのは難しく感じるものだ。

If you hope that the other person will appreciate your sacrifice … well, they will probably notice and feel good about it, but few people are able to control their own 自分の境界線を踏み越えることを許す人を利用しようとする原始的な衝動. So they will ask for more and more, step by step, until you feel like a puppet on a string. In the same time, they appreciate you less and less because you show that you don’t value yourself enough.

So do you need to become cold, dismissive and insensitive to attract a partner? No – you can show that you value yourself without betraying your integrity and becoming bitter and cynical. Being 誠実、明確、一貫性 自分の価値観や境界線について考えることは、健全な自尊心の明らかな表れです。これはあなたが ごまかしがきかない. If you want a healthy relationship, you cannot say “These are my boundaries”, and then proceed to compromise them. You truly have to be willing to let people go if they are not compatible with your values. You also need to behave like that in the rest of your life and relationships, not just towards a (potential) partner.

あなた don’t have to hate or despise the other person to recognize he or she is not right for you and say good-bye. Many people stay in relationships because of their partners’ good qualities, while hoping that the bad ones would somehow change. It would be simple if people were all good or all bad, wouldn’t it? You need to value yourself enough to decide that some good qualities are not worth staying, if you are not happy with a certain person as who they are now.

良い選択

One way or another, you will never be able to change a “bad guy/girl”. あなたは問題の原因ではない。.早くこのことを受け入れて 人間関係よりも自分の価値観や境界線を重視するより良い人生を自分で切り開くことができる。そのためには、自尊心を高める努力が必要かもしれない（それはおそらく、他の多くの点で報われるだろう）。

Should you choose a “nice guy/girl” then? If you listen to people and read online discussions, you might get the idea that people fall either into a “jerk” or a “doormat” category and there is nothing to choose from in between. Often people who compromise their values and lack self-esteem are labeled as “nice”, although 彼らも健康ではない.最も健康的な（そして最も魅力的な）人々は、次のような人々である。 自信満々 そして自分自身に忠実である、 のみならず 一応 情に厚い.

You might say it’s not easy to find such a person. This is true. Between selfish biological instincts, chaotic upbringing and deeply unhealthy society, few people manage to find that kind of internal balance. Yet, perhaps you might have trouble 真の自信と強さを知る, as it’s usually not so flamboyant and superficially charismatic as overconfidence (arrogance). Perhaps drop some of your more shallow criteria and look beyond the surface for people you can truly respect. In the same time, work on becoming a strong and internally balanced person yourself. Perhaps you can turn yourself into a person your dream partner dreams of.

関連記事

人間関係における赤信号

価値観と個人的特徴

恋愛関係のパターン

すべての記事 

オンラインコーチング