Sometimes people ask me if it’s OK for them or their partner to stay in touch with an ex after starting a new relationship. If you have been reading my posts and articles for a while, you will know that I avoid categorical judgments about “right” and “wrong”, except when it comes to abuse and malicious crime. I believe in judging each situation individually and in seeing different perspectives. However, there are some thoughts I will offer on this topic:
I know people who have stayed in touch with an ex partner or spouse, without it having any bad influence on a new relationship. However, I think that intense emotions, especially when long lasting such as infatuation and love, create percorsi neurologici nel nostro cervello, in modo simile alle abitudiniUn'abitudine, una volta appresa, può essere facilmente riappresa, soprattutto se abbinata a speranze, sogni e ricordi. Ci sono molte storie di coppie che si sono riunite dopo decenni di separazione.
La domanda chiave, IMO, è se una relazione è arrivata alla sua "fine naturale", o è stata interrotta e lasciata incompiutaSe è finita dopo un lungo periodo di allontanamento, di raffreddamento, di perdita di illusioni e forse di delusione, la gente di solito sente che la storia è veramente finita e può concentrarsi su una nuova relazione senza guardarsi indietro.
However, if a relationship ended abruptly, if there is a feeling that things were somehow left unfinished, especially if two people were separated by external circumstances, then old hopes, dreams and illusions can wake up rather easily. It’s easy to idealize one’s past, even if it was everything but ideal. In such a case, I wouldn’t recommend to stay in touch with an ex or to initiate contact, especially if the new relationship is happy and healthy.
People who can stay in touch with an ex without it influencing their new relationship usually feel more like a sibling or a friend toward their ex, rather than a lover. They typically don’t feel the need to cut off contact because they don’t experience triggers or a reopening of old feelings. If the transition from romance to friendship is smooth and without hard feelings, it’s unlikely to revert to passion.
However, if you cut off contact with an ex and years later find yourself thinking about them, wondering whether you should get in touch, first consider what is going on in your current relationship. People tend to idealize the past when they are not happy with the present. Are you suppressing frustration with your current partner? Are there things you can’t talk to them about? People who are happy in their relationship don’t feel the need to let their attention wander elsewhere.
If you recognize that you don’t feel truly happy with your current partner, you’ll probably be tempted to blame them. After all, we tend to assume that our own needs, values, and communication styles are “normal,” so it must be the other person who is not. Obviously, that’s not always true.
So first consider: do you communicate clearly and respectfully, or do you criticize? Do you expect your partner to read your mind? If your partner seems to withdraw affection, might there be legitimate reasons, such as you not recognizing their needs? Are there taboo topics that undermine true trust? Suppressed feelings or a lack of quality communication can spoil even very compatible relationships.
Don’t be too quick to blame either yourself or your partner, but do question what is going on and how you can communicate better. Getting distracted by thoughts and feelings for a past partner is likely a symptom, not a solution. Being honest with yourself and your partner can help you get over that speed bump.
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