Many people are not fully aware of how often they engage in self-sabotage. Consider: have you ever nearly completed an important project, only to suddenly lose the energy and drive to finish it? Have you ever pushed away a promising relationship (of any kind)? Do you find yourself procrastinating or choosing short-term pleasure over long-term well-being? When you think or hear about an interesting opportunity, do you quickly dismiss it, perhaps feeling a vague discomfort in your body or thinking, ?This might work for someone else, but not for me?? Do you take on too many unimportant tasks or favors for others, at the expense of your own goals? All of this and more can reflect unconscious self-sabotage.
Why would people do that to themselves? Superficially, it might be tempting to attribute self-sabotage to laziness, distractions, or a simple lack of motivation. But there?s more to such behavior than meets the eye.
Most people, most of the time, use part of their energy to suppress painful emotions and toxic beliefs they picked up as children. When we avoid challenges, it?s easier to keep those imprints suppressed. However, as soon as we move towards change, as soon as we really take up a challenge, various fears and other unhealthy emotions can ?wake up? and disrupt our emotional balance. That?s why many people unconsciously prefer the status quo.
UNDERLYING CAUSES OF SELF-SABOTAGE
You may have guessed that most unconscious self-sabotage stems from family influences and childhood imprints. Let?s take a closer look at some of them:
LACK OF SELF-LOVE
If we don?t even like ourselves, why would we strive to make our lives better? Deep down, there might be a subtle belief that we don?t truly deserve it. Think about how motivated you can be to help someone you love. Do you feel that same motivation toward yourself? If not, it?s likely you don?t quite like yourself enough. Sadly, it?s often the kind, empathetic, and cooperative children who sacrifice their self-love to adapt to unhealthy family influences. Ironically, the less self-love you feel, the more you likely deserve it.
FEAR OF SUCCESS
Some people fear that success might provoke others? envy or bring new obligations and responsibilities, or too much attention and scrutiny. Perhaps they?re afraid of saying ?no? to others? expectations or emotional demands. Or they might think, ?If I succeed, people around me will like me less or resent me for getting ahead!? This fear may stem from concerns about gossip, malice, or losing relationships. For those who feel this way, maintaining these connections can feel more important than other types of success. Many people aren?t fully aware of this form of self-sabotage.
GUILT
In a subtler but similar way, some people may feel they shouldn?t be happier or more successful than their family members. For instance, is it OK to be happier than your mother, or better educated than your siblings? To achieve something your father dreamed of but couldn?t attain? Healthy parents wish for a better life for their children, but not all parents are healthy.
Some people feel they should ?keep company? with one or both of their parents in their unhappiness. Some of my clients have recognized, ?If I achieve my goals, I?ll feel like I abandoned my family!? Even if untrue, such childhood imprints can lead to self-sabotage.
FEAR OF MISTAKES OR FAILURE
Too many children are shamed and blamed for small mistakes and failures, never learning to see them as part of the learning process. If you were conditioned to feel deep shame over any lack of success, it might feel easier to avoid trying altogether.
TOXIC BELIEFS
I?ve met intelligent people who believed they were almost stupid. I’ve met many wonderful people who felt there was something very wrong with them. Some (particularly women in certain cultures) are taught that their interests and ambitions aren?t important, that they should serve others instead. Toxic beliefs such as ?people are bad? or ?I shouldn?t ask for help? can also lead to self-sabotage. Unhealthy families can unconsciously or even deliberately instill various limiting beliefs in children.
FEAR OF CHANGE
Fear of change is sometimes a biological heritage. It can make people resist new technologies or cling to limiting, outdated traditions, for example. Children also adopt ?survival strategies? to cope with their early family environment. Adult children of unhealthy parents may be afraid to let go of habits and beliefs that once helped them cope. This fear, especially when combined with a lack of self-love, can even lead people to sabotage their own therapy and healing.
IDENTITY CONFLICT
Were your parents very different personalities? Did they often fight? Did they expect you to take sides or play different roles for each of them? If so, you might never have had the chance to develop internal balance and harmony, making it challenging to make decisions. Perhaps your life feels like a continuous inner conflict. Self-sabotage is a natural result of such inner struggles.
HOW TO RESOLVE SELF-SABOTAGE?
Now that you may have a clearer sense of why you self-sabotage, let?s explore what you can do about it.
1. Awareness. The more aware you are of your internal dialogue and emotions, the more you?ll recognize subtle urges to self-sabotage and their origins. Knowing what?s going on can make it easier to resist these urges. Our guided exercise “Make Friends With Yourself” here can help you with that.
2. Self-love. Healthy self-love isn?t arrogance or attention-seeking; it?s about motivating and comforting yourself in times of frustration. Self-love requires continuous practice. Notice any internal objections, like toxic beliefs or self-disdain, when practicing self-love. Remember, these objections were once survival strategies from your childhood but are no longer useful. If you feel genuine guilt about something, you might find the article *Come perdonare veramente ed essere perdonati?* helpful.
3. Baby steps. Change is easier and more sustainable if it doesn?t happen all at once. Slowing down doesn?t mean procrastination; it helps you adapt gradually, which can reduce self-sabotage.
4. Expand your comfort zone. Aim to do at least one small thing each day that challenges your fears, guilt, or toxic beliefs. Observe your emotional reactions. Breathe through discomfort. Recognize that these feelings are rooted in the past and aren?t as realistic or dangerous as they might feel. Comfort your inner child when needed, practice positive self-talk, and celebrate your efforts?even if they weren?t perfect. This helps reduce fear of change and discomfort.
5. Build new habits. While good habits alone won?t change childhood emotional imprints, they?re still vital to reaching your goals. I recommend *The Power of Habit* by Charles Duhigg.
6. Therapy. Therapy (including our online sessions) can sometimes be necessary to reach and address childhood imprints most resistant to these strategies. Contact us if you?d like some support in this journey!
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