Come superare una rottura in 10 passi

Domanda: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I’m finding it very hard to move on. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don’t even know where to start. How to overcome breakup? Can you help me get rid of this pain?

Risposta:

If there’s one message I’d like to spread to the world, it’s that the more intense our emotions are, the more likely they originate from our childhood. This is especially important when people ask, “How to overcome breakup pain?”

Yes, the pain is real. It’s happening now. It may feel too overwhelming and persistent to believe it has roots in the past as well as the present. Yet, in my 20+ years of experience in psychological coaching, whenever someone struggles to move on from an ex, there is almost always a deeper, more existential trauma—often related to parental abandonment—at the core of their pain.

Parental abandonment doesn’t have to be physical, or even literal. It can stem from a mother returning to work after maternity leave, or a parent being hospitalized, for example. Babies can feel abandoned when their parents sleep in a different room and ignore their cries at night. A parent may be emotionally unavailable, critical, unpredictable, or dismissive. Any of these and similar experiences can be shocking for a sensitive child and leave a lasting imprint.

Small children cling to their parents for dear life. Anything that threatens that bond sends waves of shock and emotional pain through the child—it’s a survival mechanism. Intense emotional pain and the compulsion to do anything to restore the connection, including blaming and criticizing ourselves, are part of that mechanism. Any emotion that feels survival-related in childhood often remains etched in our subconscious mind.

Da adulti, tendiamo a provare la più forte attrazione romantica verso le persone che inconsciamente ci ricordano la nostra casa o che sembrano offrire la possibilità di guarire ciò che è mancato durante l'infanzia (vedi: Modelli nei rapporti d'amore). For most of us, there’s still an “inner child” seeking to have old emotional needs met.

When our “inner child” emotionally bonds with someone and that person leaves, old existential pain, fear, and self-doubt can resurface with full intensity. We may suddenly feel like life doesn’t make sense without them, as if there is no one else in the world who could ever replace them – which is exactly how a child feels about their parent. Of course, some of the pain comes from the present loss, but that pain would be much more grounded and bearable if it weren’t intertwined with unresolved childhood trauma.

So, knowing this, how to overcome breakup trauma? Here are some strategies that have worked for me and many others I’ve worked with:

1. Ogni volta che il dolore emotivo si fa sentire, ricordate a voi stessi che proviene dall'infanzia e dalla situazione attuale (se non di più).

2. Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Don’t give in to them, but observe and accept them with compassion. “What you resist, persists; what you accept, dissolves.” Acknowledging emotions helps you process them, while fighting them only makes them stronger.

3. Osservate e verbalizzate i pensieri e le impressioni peggiori e più dolorose che vi vengono in mente, indipendentemente da quanto possano essere esagerati e irrazionali. Chiedetevi: a quale dei vostri genitori (o forse ad altre persone che si sono prese cura di voi) potrebbe essere collegato tutto ciò?

4. Prendetevi tutto il tempo necessario per amare e confortare il vostro bambino interiore. Dite al vostro bambino interiore tutto ciò che direste a un buon amico in una situazione simile.

5. Se i vostri genitori erano generalmente ben intenzionati e compassionevoli, immaginate che confortino anche il vostro bambino interiore, dandogli amore e apprezzamento in molti modi.

6. Se i vostri genitori non erano sani, potete immaginare genitori diversi, più sani, che vi diano amore e sostegno. Ecco un esercizio guidato che può aiutarvi in questo senso.

7. Now let’s focus on the future. Keep reminding yourself that in a few months, this pain will be behind you, and there will be plenty of other opportunities for happiness. When one door closes, many others open.

8. Remind yourself that good relationships don’t end; bad ones do. You are likely missing the illusion of your ex rather than who they really were. If they hadn’t left now, you might have just wasted more time and opportunities with them, and things could have gotten worse. Eventually, you would have gone through the same pain, so it’s better to face it sooner rather than later.

9. Ask yourself: what can I learn from this experience that will make my future relationship(s) better and healthier? Perhaps you’ll learn how to riconoscere le bandiere rosse, comunicare più efficacemente, o evitare di essere dati per scontati. Scrivete quanti più insegnamenti possibili e pensate a come applicarli in futuro. Se riuscite a vedere questa esperienza come qualcosa che in definitiva migliorerà il vostro futuro, potrete essere più gentili con voi stessi e adottare una prospettiva positiva.

10. Pensate a ciò che volete veramente in una partnership. Lasciatevi guidare dal dolore toward understanding what you deeply long for and what truly matters to you in life. Envision a future relationship that fulfills your desires—better than the one that ended. Allow yourself to embrace this vision and get comfortable with it. Tell yourself that you deserve it. The better you can imagine a healthy relationship, the easier it will be to recognize it when you meet the right person.

I hope you’ll find this advice on how to overcome breakup helpful, and if you want to explore and resolve the roots of your childhood trauma and emotional patterns, our coaching online è stato progettato per questo!

Per saperne di più:

Modelli nei rapporti d'amore

Trasformare il dolore emotivo in passione e ispirazione

Cosa crede il tuo subconscio dell'amore?

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