Decisioni difficili

Molte volte, risolvere le emozioni infantili, i conflitti interni e le convinzioni tossiche can make difficult decisions much easier. You might recognize, for example, that your partner is not your child, and it’s not your responsibility to make them happy. Or you might resolve toxic emotional bonds which made you fall in love with an incompatible person. Once you do that, clarity often replaces confusion, and choices that once felt impossible begin to look more realistic and manageable.

Sometimes, however, even if your emotions are adult and appropriate, life can make you face a difficult decision. Some decisions bring pain no matter what you choose. Some situations you cannot control and you can find yourself with divided loyalties, or trying to choose between your own and your children’s happiness, for example. Perhaps no matter what you choose, you are going to lose something or someone. 

If there was a simple answer, a fool-proof guide in such situations, there would be no reason to call them difficult decisions. Those are the choices that reality makes painful, not your own beliefs and emotional patterns. Sometimes it’s about societal rules you cannot change, disease and old age, or financial circumstances, rather than “right” and “wrong” choices. Many people spend months or even years trying to avoid such decisions, hoping circumstances will somehow resolve the conflict for them. 

Finding integrity

The advice I can give that could make difficult decisions at least a bit easier is: make the choice which reflects more of your integrity, more of the kind of person you want to be. You might not be able to avoid pain, but at least that pain will be “cleaner”. Il dolore svanisce con gli anni, ma un senso di "pulizia" rimane.

Anni e decenni nel futuro, quando ricorderete la vostra scelta, avrete meno di cui criticarvi e qualsiasi felicità che avete costruito nel frattempo sarà meno offuscata dal senso di colpa. Anche il rimpianto che potresti provare per ciò che hai perso sarà più "pulito". Potrebbero esserci altre occasioni di felicità, ma non così tante occasioni, forse, di scegliere l'integrità.

Finding balance with difficult decisions

Potrebbe sembrare che stia suggerendo un sacrificio di sé, ma non è così. Non vi consiglio di negare i vostri bisogni e sentimenti – it’s not healthy either for you or people around you. It can lead to passive aggression, depression, manipulation, perhaps even illness. You need to find balance.

If you have a habit of neglecting yourself, perhaps you’ll need to resolve that pattern before you can clearly see what is equilibrio sano e una sana integrità. Forse sono possibili alcuni compromessi e opzioni intermedie che non riuscivate a vedere attraverso il filtro dei vostri vecchi schemi.

Once I was chatting with a guy about what defines an asshole, and he said, “If your actions create more problems for other people than they benefit you, you are an asshole.” This is rather oversimplified, of course, but it’s worth considering when making a difficult decision. Again, focus on seeking balance. If a decision would cause more trouble and pain for you than for others, it may make sense prioritizing your own needs.

Make sure that what you call integrity truly comes from your healthy values, rather than standards imposed by your family, society or religion. Are the problems and pain you might cause other people to experience real or imaginary, inevitable or possible to solve?

Make sure that you are not under influence of toxic, unrealistic guilt (or anger) from childhood. You should be able to do that if you are familiar with your inner world. If you know how to distinguish between healthy balance and manipulation, between what is your responsibility and what belongs to others, difficult decisions can become much easier.

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