Cómo su familia impulsa su negocio

… even when you are not aware of it

Some time back, I was working with a small business owner who employed 7-8 people. On the outside, she had everything she needed to succeed: she was driven, innovative, genuinely cared about her customers, and offered services that for many people were a need rather than a luxury. Yet her results were bad and her business coach has told her she’d be bankrupt within 6 months if nothing would change.

She said the problems started when she ceased to be involved in „hands-on” activities and focused primarily on management. She trusted her staff to work well when she was not around, but instead they were continuously under-performing. Some of them started treating her with open or passive disrespect, making more and more demands or unexpectedly missing work.

I asked her how does she select her staff; she told me she delegates that to one of her senior staff members (let’s call her Mary). Soon it turned out that Mary was the key problem; one of her duties was to select and train new staff, but she slacked in both. Mary was also manipulative; she would hide certain passwords from her boss, would lie and gaslight her while in the same time pretending to care and worry for her. It wouldn’t take long before new employees would copy that attitude (And Mary would, of course, employ the kind of people ella gustado).

My client was aware of all or most of that. The obvious next question was, why wouldn’t she let Mary go? The answer was not so obvious. She felt somehow emotionally attached to Mary; she was also afraid that other employees who liked Mary would be angry, but the key problem was hope. Somehow she felt she had to believe that Mary would finally „see the light” and change. (See also: Cuando la esperanza es una emoción "negativa"...)

A few questions later, it turned out that Mary reminded her of her younger sister she was made to take care of when she was young. The sister soon learned to exploit such a situation and manipulate the parents against my client. This was now mostly in the past, but unconsciously, the unresolved emotions and unfulfilled hopes were still there – and the unrealistic sense of responsibility, too.

We can easily guess Mary learned her complementary behavioral patterns with/from her family, too. She didn’t necessarily have to be a spoiled younger child, she could have also observed such behavior from other family members. Perhaps, as a defensive strategy, she adopted the same behavior others used to control her when she was a child. She would reap some short term benefits from such behavior, but in the long run she would lose trust and respect.

Sentirse como un niño en el trabajo

I worked with some more bosses and managers with similar issues, and, on the other side, quite a few regular employees who would suddenly feel small and resource-less in front of their boss. Some of them told me they would literally feel as if they were physically shrinking to a very small size. I would ask: „How old do you feel then?” The answer tends to hover around 3 years old.

For some people, simply seeing an authority figure they feel they depend on, unconsciously reminds them of their original parent-child relationship and causes them to forget most of their adult resources. They might say, „It feels like my head is suddenly empty and I can’t find any words to say”. This sounds like they age-regress to memories created before they learned to speak.

¿Por qué ocurre?

When we were children, particularly while we were toddlers, our brains were working in overdrive, trying to figure out the world and how to deal with it, as soon as possible. Through a combination of imitation and experimenting, we eventually learned what behaviors result in the most benefit and the least trouble around our family members. Those experiences became the script our brains tend to resort to in challenging situations. For some people, it’s to create drama, or to play a victim. For others, it’s to freeze and try to fade into the background. For some, it might be to blame themselves or to take responsibility. The problem is, what worked best in our families might not work best in the adult world.

The process of adapting to our families often requires us to ignore and suppress various painful emotions – and sometimes even happy emotions if they were not welcome in our families. However, life keeps showing us that suppressed does not mean gone. As one of the pioneering psychoanalysts C. G. Jung said, ‘Until you make the unconscious consciente, dirigirá tu vida y lo llamarás destino.’

Las emociones no resueltas de la infancia no sólo pueden motivarnos a dar o perdonar demasiado; también pueden desencadenar prejuicios y antipatías irracionales. Si tuviste un hermano que te mangoneaba, o un tío que te tocaba de forma inapropiada, o un primo al que tu madre quería más que a ti, cualquiera que te recuerde de alguna manera a esos familiares puede resultarte desagradable, aunque nunca haga nada malo. El parecido puede ser puramente físico, o puede que simplemente tengan el mismo nombre que el familiar problemático. Si no se reconocen y resuelven, estas emociones pueden llevar incluso a una buena persona a tratar a alguien injustamente.

Cómo se manifiesta

Algunos ejemplos más de cómo tu educación influye en tu comportamiento en el trabajo:

• Puede que te sientas incapaz de poner límites a los demás o a la propia carga de trabajo
  
• You might try to prove yourself too hard, and never feel it’s enough (I had a client who would even deny herself food and sleep until she’d finish everything she’d expect herself to do in a day, which was, as you can guess, usually too much)

• You might feel spontaneously attracted to people who seem „normal” or „familiar” to you, even if they don’t treat you well, and might not feel able to let them go, out of guilt or fear or hope
  
• Puede que sientas la necesidad de jugar a juegos de poder con tus colegas (lo que recuerda a la rivalidad entre hermanos).
  
• Como jefe, es posible que imites a figuras de autoridad de tu pasado, sin reconocer que podría haber formas más sanas y productivas de motivar a tus subordinados
  
• You might feel it’s not acceptable to stand out or to ask for what you want
  
• Puede que procrastines, bien por miedo a equivocarte, bien porque esperas que las soluciones vengan de fuera (como cuando eras pequeño)
  
• Puede tener problemas de disciplina o el impulso de desafiar a las autoridades sin una buena razón.
  
• You might stay at the job that doesn’t satisfy you anymore, because you’d feel guilty if you left.

Cómo permanecer como adulto

Describing all of our coaching would require a book (which I’m writing), but here are some helpful first-aid steps:

1. No hay cambio sin conciencia. Presta atención y reconoce lo que sientes, en lugar de evitarlo o ignorarlo.
   
2. Reconozca que, a pesar de ser fuertes, esos sentimientos probablemente no sean realistas.
   
3. Remind yourself: “These feelings are a reaction to the past, not the present.”
   
4. Ask yourself: “Who or what does this person/situation remind me of? How old do I feel emotionally?”
   
5. Remind yourself: “This is not the same person or the same situation. I am an adult now and I have learned a lot since I was a child. What has worked in my family will likely not work now.”
   
6. Considera cuál sería un comportamiento adulto y maduro en tu situación.
   
7. La mayoría de nosotros tememos a nuestras propias emociones más que a cualquier otra cosa, y automáticamente intentamos escapar y abandonarnos en momentos de intenso malestar emocional. Si actuar como un adulto requiere hacer algo que te asusta, presta atención a ser amable y comprensivo contigo mismo mientras te enfrentas al miedo y a cualquier otra emoción desagradable. En lugar de castigarte o intentar escapar, habla contigo mismo como lo haría un padre o un amigo cariñoso y compasivo.
   
8. Aunque no hayas afrontado la situación a la perfección (que probablemente haya sido el caso), reconoce el esfuerzo que has hecho y reconoce lo que has aprendido haciéndolo. Reconoce que fuiste capaz de lidiar con el malestar y que cada vez en el futuro será más fácil y lo sabrás hacer aún mejor. Sigue dándote apoyo emocional, si lo necesitas.

Artículos relacionados:

Cuestiones internas y soluciones externas

Cómo vivir con integridad

Lógica emocional

Todos los artículos 

Entrenamiento en línea