Overcome Lost Identity: How To Find Your True Self

Have you ever wondered how much of your personality is truly yours, and how much has been shaped by your environment?

The “Feral Child” Effect

Recently, I read an article about Marcos Rodríguez Pantoja, a Spanish man who was orphaned and abandoned in the wild at just seven years old. Fortunately, his last caregiver taught him survival skills, so the boy managed to survive, befriend wild wolves, and hunt alongside them. When he was finally discovered at age 19, he could no longer speak human language; he growled and bit like a wild animal. For many years, he found it extremely difficult to adapt to human civilization.

While stories of feral children raised by wolves or other animals are often exaggerated or fake, there are around 40 documented cases of young children — abandoned, neglected, or lost — who survived in the company of wild or semi-wild animals (such as dogs, wolves, or monkeys). They learned to mimic the sounds, walk, and behavior of the animals they tried to fit in with. Even though their early childhood — which should be the most crucial period — was spent among humans, years spent in the wilderness made them forget human language and socialization. After they were found, it often took years to teach them what we consider the most basic human skills, including speech.

Nature vs. Nurture: How Much of You Is Truly Yours?

We view many parts of our behavior as so normal that we don’t consider them as something instilled by others; we experience them as innate, a part of our identity. But in light of stories like these, it’s hard not to wonder: Who am I really, when so much of my  behavior, thoughts, feelings, and perhaps entire personality could have been completely different under different upbringing conditions?

Cultural differences and the struggle many people face when adapting to a new culture are less extreme, yet obvious examples of how our surroundings shape us. Still, even within rigid cultures, there are always individuals who resist, able to see life from a different perspective. Within every family, there are members who stand out and refuse to follow expectations. Clearly, environment isn’t everything.

However, exceptions are not the rule. A child is much more likely to adapt to and follow their family’s expectations rather than resist—especially when resisting feels dangerous. In strict, punishing environments, children learn to suppress their feelings and needs, often becoming experts at hiding their true self for the rest of their lives.

What Is a “Lost Identity”? When people Feel Empty Inside

You have likely met people who seem somewhat empty, lacking individuality, or disconnected from their genuine feelings. Some of them seem to rely on strict rules to feel safe and comfortable. Others live almost like automatons — fulfilling expectations without being truly present. Many try to fill that inner void from the outside, chasing money, status, entertainment, sex, drugs, or anything that will temporarily distract them. These are classic examples of what we call a identidad perdida in the ISC method.

Even if we aren’t an extreme case and possess a solid sense of self, the question remains: How much of our personality is genuinely ours, and how much is missing? If you ever ask yourself “Why do I feel empty inside?”, you are far from alone – and more aware than most. 

In cases of recovered feral children, many of them missed the wilderness and resisted habits that an average person considers basic. Did the wilderness represent their true authentic self, or was it merely habits etched into their brains for survival? And how much potential was lost – in both scenarios?

In our coaching practice, we frequently see even people who appear to be strong personalities, self-connected, and even somewhat rebellious, eventually uncover a certain feeling of inner emptiness. In fact, those who are more in tune with themselves often recognize this faster. They are sometimes shocked by the realization of how unconsciously they have been living for others’ approval and attention. 

How to Find Yourself

It is probably impossible to avoid external influence entirely. But it is never too late to start discovering more of who you are. Reconnecting with yourself doesn’t have to be drastic or a struggle. You don’t need to overturn your life overnight, start a completely new career, or get into conflict with everyone around you. The most important step is learning how to be present within yourself and regularly checking in on what is happening inside.

1. Learn to be comfortable in silence
Make a habit of spending quiet time alone with yourself — especially if you aren’t used to it. From time to time, ask yourself: What am I really feeling right now? What do I truly want? Don’t stop at superficial answers; look deeper. None of us are one-dimensional; we are a complex blend of different impulses, conflicting emotions, and desires. Help those inner voices communicate with each other.

You don’t have to act on every emotion or desire immediately. Some might not be practical or healthy. You don’t need to become impulsive like a child. However, simply learning about your inner world can make a world of difference.

2. Experiment and try out new things
Young children—when given freedom—experiment constantly to discover what they like and dislike. If you lacked that freedom growing up, give yourself permission to explore now. Again, don’t rush into it. No need to prove anything. Take it step by step, playfully but using healthy common sense.

3. Remember that self-discovery is a long-term process
I once met a woman who, in her 70s after retiring, completed two university degrees just so she could finally pursue what truly fascinated her. You don’t need to take steps that massive to be more authentic—but you also don’t have to wait that long. Focus on inner balance. Understand that learning how to find yourself is a gradual process, not an instant fix.

If you experience fears, emotional blocks, or irrational barriers to discovering your true identity, feel free to reach out to us—we are here to help you through personalized coaching.

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