Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)

 علم الأحياء وراء الحب والانجذاب

يشجع عدد كبير من الرجال بعضهم بعضًا على الاعتقاد بأن النساء يرغبن في رجال مسيطرين قهرهم وأظهر لهم مكانهم. It is true that women are somewhat more biologically attracted to confident, even dominant men (although there are plenty of opposite examples, too, and the cultural model of desirable masculinity can influence women’s choices even if it’s not particularly healthy). The instinctive, usually unconscious hope behind this attraction is that such a man can be a safe place, perhaps even protection from the danger in the world (wild animals  if you like prehistorical terms; enemy warriors if you like medieval terms. As for the modern world, there is still enough stupidity, aggression and ignorance going around that a safe place to relax is more than welcome).

والحقيقة عادة ما تكون عكس ذلك تمامًا وسرعان ما تكون واقعية: فالهيمنة كصفة بيولوجية وشخصية (بغض النظر عن الجنس) مصحوبة منطقيًا بالرغبة في الهيمنة والقوة. بالنسبة لـ تبرير مثل هذه الدوافع, a dominant person often ends up perceiving other people (especially people who don’t fight for dominance) as less valuable, less respectable – less people. Overconfidence and empathy don’t go well together – to be overconfident, you usually need to disregard opinions and feelings of other people – that is, you cannot include their perspectives into your experience – you cannot use much empathy.

This doesn’t exclude their families – quite the opposite, the families might bear the brunt of it, because most people express their worst sides in a safe environment such as a family provides. Thus a woman who chooses a dominant man will usually find that she has to حماية نفسها من الشخص الذي كانت تأمل أن تشعر بالأمان معه.

Once a dominant person develops such psychological patterns, it’s غير محتمل جداً that they would be motivated to change and control their own urges for power as well as excuses they create for seeking power.  After all, dominance often results in emotional pleasure as well as الفوائد العملية والاجتماعية. Few people are strong enough to give all those benefits up in the name of “abstract” ethical ideals such as responsibility.

On the other hand, many women complain that men prefer “bitches” and so they might encourage each other to play games with men. عندما ينجذب الرجال إلى المرأة غير الصحية (الأنانية أو العدوانية), there is also a biological aspect to it – it’s a human instinct to look for a desirable and “high value” partner. So if somebody acts in ways our primitive brains can interpret like they value themselves, even if this means arrogance, criticism and emotional unavailability, our “reptile” brains might say: “Hey! A high-status potential mate! Go for it!” It’s in our biological nature to تقدير الثقة على الكفاءة – just look at the political scene in pretty much every country.

ومع ذلك, بيئتنا لها التأثير الحاسم over which of our instincts will we follow. I’ve already written a lot about كيف تؤثر عائلاتنا على أنماطنا العاطفية في العلاقات الحميمة. فإذا كنا قد تربينا على يد أبوين أخلاقيين وعطوفين، فسيكون هذا أمرًا طبيعيًا بالنسبة لنا وسنبحث عن شركاء مماثلين. في مثل هذه الحالة، فإن الانجذاب الغريزي للهيمنة أو الغطرسة غالبًا ما سيتغلب عليه النموذج العائلي الصحي. المشكلة هي أن معظم الناس لا يزالون غير أسوياء أو غير ناضجين في بعض النواحي، لذا فإن معظم الأطفال يتلقون نماذج غير ناضجة على رأس الغرائز البيولوجية غير الناضجة.

كن مخلصاً لقيمك

الخبر السار هو أنه مع العمل المتفاني على تحسين الذات يمكنك التراجع عن هذه البرمجة و تدريب نفسك على ملاحظة الجودة الحقيقية in potential partners. A pleasant little exercise: instead of fantasizing about somebody who doesn’t treat you well, start fantasizing about a relationship which is everything you want. Get your brain used to the idea.  But do not imagine such a good relationship with the same person, or any specific person. Create the space in your mind to allow somebody new.

ضع قيمك واحتياجاتك المهمة أولاً. It’s fine (and often necessary) to make a compromise about secondary  values, but as soon as you start compromising your important values, you catch yourself in a web from which you might have trouble freeing yourself. You feel you betrayed yourself, you trust and appreciate yourself less – and you feel مترابطة بشكل غريب للعلاقة: بمجرد أن تستثمر الكثير من الجهد فيها، قد تشعر بصعوبة التخلي عن كل شيء والبدء من جديد.

If you hope that the other person will appreciate your sacrifice … well, they will probably notice and feel good about it, but few people are able to control their own الرغبة البدائية في استغلال أولئك الذين يسمحون بتجاوز حدودهم. So they will ask for more and more, step by step, until you feel like a puppet on a string. In the same time, they appreciate you less and less because you show that you don’t value yourself enough.

So do you need to become cold, dismissive and insensitive to attract a partner? No – you can show that you value yourself without betraying your integrity and becoming bitter and cynical. Being صادقة وواضحة ومتسقة حول قيمك وحدودك هو علامة واضحة على احترامك لذاتك. هذا شيء لا يمكن تزييفها. If you want a healthy relationship, you cannot say “These are my boundaries”, and then proceed to compromise them. You truly have to be willing to let people go if they are not compatible with your values. You also need to behave like that in the rest of your life and relationships, not just towards a (potential) partner.

أنت don’t have to hate or despise the other person to recognize he or she is not right for you and say good-bye. Many people stay in relationships because of their partners’ good qualities, while hoping that the bad ones would somehow change. It would be simple if people were all good or all bad, wouldn’t it? You need to value yourself enough to decide that some good qualities are not worth staying, if you are not happy with a certain person as who they are now.

حسن الاختيار

One way or another, you will never be able to change a “bad guy/girl”. أنت لست سبب المشكلة، لذا لا يمكن أن تكون أنت الحل. كلما أسرعت في قبول ذلك و جعل قيمك وحدودك الخاصة أكثر أهمية من العلاقةكلما كانت الحياة التي يمكنك خلقها لنفسك أفضل. قد يتطلب هذا بعض العمل على تحسين احترامك لذاتك (والذي قد يكون مجزياً بطرق أخرى كثيرة).

Should you choose a “nice guy/girl” then? If you listen to people and read online discussions, you might get the idea that people fall either into a “jerk” or a “doormat” category and there is nothing to choose from in between. Often people who compromise their values and lack self-esteem are labeled as “nice”, although فهي ليست صحية أيضًا. أكثر الناس صحة (وأكثرهم جاذبية) هم أولئك الذين كلاهما واثق وصادقين مع أنفسهم, وكذلك بشكل معقول لطيف وعطوف.

You might say it’s not easy to find such a person. This is true. Between selfish biological instincts, chaotic upbringing and deeply unhealthy society, few people manage to find that kind of internal balance. Yet, perhaps you might have trouble التعرف على الثقة والقوة الحقيقية, as it’s usually not so flamboyant and superficially charismatic as overconfidence (arrogance). Perhaps drop some of your more shallow criteria and look beyond the surface for people you can truly respect. In the same time, work on becoming a strong and internally balanced person yourself. Perhaps you can turn yourself into a person your dream partner dreams of.

مقالات ذات صلة:

الإشارات الحمراء في العلاقات

القيم مقابل السمات الشخصية

الأنماط في علاقات الحب

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