A quote from a client I was working with recently:

“I don’t value myself, so if a girl falls in love with me, I automatically respect her less.”

Let that sink in for a moment. Practically a whole novel is contained in this one sentence (as well as some admirable awareness and honesty).


Emotional logic influences our behavior vastly stronger than any rational knowledge. In fact, more often than not, people use their rational minds to justify their emotional urges. Too bad that emotional logic is often based on our childhood impressions in combination with our instincts and hormones. It makes perfect sense in a certain simplified way, but it narrows things down to a very limited, exaggerated and generalized perspective. Then it branches out, coloring our impressions and conclusions about our new experiences.


Some more examples:

“I associate love with violence – so if somebody offers me love and attention, I become irritated and push them away, sometimes by verbal violence, even if I love them. Partly because I’m frightened, partly perhaps because aggression is allowed in close relationships, in my frame of mind.”

“My girlfriend was controlling and manipulative – but no matter how much I disliked it, that’s what made me feel safe and able to relax and let go of my own need for control. It’s like I felt somebody had to control things, so better her than me, because I didn’t feel competent enough.”

“My mother used to tell me about my alcoholic father, “You are the only one who can solve this!” However, I didn’t dare even try to help father, because I felt I would have failed and thus taken away my mother’s hope. Now, as adult, I feel blocked when encountering problems – I’m afraid if I try, I will find out how much I don’t know – and I’m supposed to know it.”

“As a child, I needed to believe that I was the cause of my parents’ fights – otherwise I would have felt even less important. I wanted at least something going on around me, some emotions expressed, even if unpleasant. Now I find that I feel somehow comfortable and even in a weird way comforted within relationship chaos and emotional pain.”


There are some common rules to emotional logic:

    • children trust their caretakers and identify with them


    • children try to preserve important relationships, often at the cost of their own individuality and self-image


    • children tend to take blame and responsibility for what they cannot understand


    • to protect themselves from painful emotions, children create les mécanismes de défense (such as anger, avoidance, obsession, manipulation and countless possible others)


    • these patterns become filters for subsequent experiences


  • in problem situations, our brains tend to resort to whatever behavior seemed to work best in childhood.


These basic rules, interacting with individual experiences and circumstances, often create convoluted yet still rather predictable consequences, not unlike fractals created by mathematical equations.  That’s why exploring our deepest imprints together feels like science and art in the same time.


Articles connexes :

Maturité émotionnelle

Intimité avec vos propres sentiments


Tous les articles 

Coaching en ligne 

"Jusqu'à ce que vous rendiez l'inconscient conscient, il dirigera votre vie et vous l'appellerez le destin."

- C.G.Jung

Kosjenka Muk

Je suis un formateur en Coaching Systémique Intégratif et un professeur d’éducation spécialisée. J’ai enseigné des ateliers et donné des conférences dans 10 pays, et aidé des centaines de personnes dans plus de 20 pays sur 5 continents (en ligne et hors ligne) à trouver des solutions à leurs schémas émotionnels. J’ai écrit le livre “Emotional Maturity In Everyday Life” et une série de cahiers d’exercices connexes.

Certains me demandent si je fais aussi du travail corporel comme le massage – malheureusement, le seul type de massage que je peux faire est de frotter du sel sur les blessures. 😉

Je plaisante. Je suis en fait très doux. La plupart du temps.

nouveaux postes

suivez-nous sur facebook

Devenir un formateur de coachs systémiques intégratifs

La formation en Coaching Systémique Intégratif vous permet d'aider les autres à résoudre leurs schémas relationnels et émotionnels, à libérer les croyances limitantes et à intégrer les qualités et l'identité perdues.

Coaching en ligne pour les individus et les couples

Le Coaching Systémique Intégratif peut vous aider dans différents domaines de la vie dans lesquels vous vous sentez bloqué, vous éprouvez des émotions désagréables et vous vous sabotez.



+385 98 9205 935
© 2020
Coaching systémique intégratif
Site web développé Danijel Balaban - Agence de développement web et société de design
en_USEnglish de_DEDeutsch es_ESEspañol it_ITItaliano fr_FRFrançais

Demande pour devenir formateur

Devenir un formateur de coachs systémiques intégratifs

La formation au coaching systémique intégré vous permet d’aider les autres à résoudre leurs problèmes relationnels et émotionnels, à libérer les croyances limitantes et à intégrer les qualités perdues et l’identité perdue.