害怕孤独

It surprises me sometimes, how many people say that fear of being alone makes them stay in unpleasant, unhealthy, even violent relationships. Personally, I like being alone, even if I like a good relationship based on trust far more. Fear of being alone is actually quite an abstract expression, so let’s check what might be under the surface of it.

不过，在讨论这个问题之前，先看看你们的关系是否不健康，部分原因是你们的行为幼稚而不负责任？

如果你容易自我批评，你可能会接管 责任太大.这种模式通常包括愤怒、内疚和恐惧之间的内心冲突和持续的内部斗争，所以要把这些感觉当作路标。另一方面，也许你 宁愿让对方负责 for everything? Some indications might be: feeling of dominance or supremacy, feeling special, looking for other person’s faults and mistakes and mentally exaggerating them, spitefulness or anger which again might hide fear and insecurities.

It’s not always easy to distinguish one pattern from another, especially if you try to distinguish them on the basis of verbal, rational descriptions. To be certain what is going on inside you, you need to get to know yourself and the way your brain and body work, through introspection. One of the indications that you are in a 健康成熟的情感状态, is feeling calm and, in a way, “pure”, without internal conflict. Your mind will never be completely free of internal turbulence. However, if you are in a healthy state, you will approach doubt as a friendly feeling, instead of as something dangerous you need to fight by all means.

如果你确定自己正与某个不相容的人交往，而且你也不会因为自己的不负责任行为而鼓励他的不成熟行为，那就有待观察了 背景 of your fear of being alone. As a rule, we’ll discover that what we call fear of being alone is actually some other kind of fear – fear of an emotion or a challenge. Recognizing this is the first step towards a solution.

害怕独处的背后往往隐藏着一些模式：

害怕被贴上社会失败者的标签

也许你认为，如果你是单身，其他人就会认为你不够理想或无法建立稳定的关系？听起来你很容易过分黑白分明。 自我批评 并从最坏的角度看待自己和自己的行为。此外，你很 dependent of others’ approval这通常伴随着自我批评。你的父母中可能至少有一人（如果不是双亲）经常对你行为中不重要的细节反应过度。集中精力解决童年时期的这些经历，并发展与自己的支持性关系。

对生命的恐惧

Perhaps you generally don’t feel capable of facing people and challenges, so you 寻求伴侣的帮助和保护?你可能会寻找那些看起来强壮而自信的人，但他们往往有可能变成支配欲强、控制欲强、傲慢甚至暴力的人。也许你的 父母, mother in particular, were full of fear and anxiety that you “adopted”. Or maybe your childhood was “too perfect” – you were overly 庇护 and didn’t have enough chances to learn to face challenges of the world around you. That means you need to go through a not always pleasant process of building confidence through practice, in situations many other people have already learnt to deal with – but better later than never.

害怕自己的情绪和想法

Many people find ways to escape their own inner dialogue – whether by drugs, TV, food, computer games, work, meditation or even books – anything can be an escape from your own self if the activity is motivated by restlessness or boredom instead of joy and enthusiasm. 如果你不再分心，你觉得你的意识中会充满什么？ Often it’s self-criticism, or it can be sadness, fear, guilt, depression… any uncomfortable emotion. If you face those issues and resolve them, not only you won’t fear solitude anymore, but you will have much more freedom in many other aspects of life.

害怕错过机会

如果你们的关系建立在某种 稚气 – a 救人就像你小时候希望拯救你的父母或得到他们的认可一样，你可能会觉得自己永远不会有这么好的机会来满足这种需求。实际情况恰恰相反。即使你能奇迹般地促使对方改变，你的内在模式也不会得到解决，因为你的伴侣只是一个替代品，而不是这些问题的真正原因。集中精力找到并解决真正的原因。

害怕伤害伴侣

你是否担心如果你结束这段关系，你的伴侣会感到悲伤、孤独或遭受其他痛苦？你可能来自一个操纵你的家庭，这个家庭一次又一次地让你为寻求平衡、拥有自己的身份和需求而感到内疚。作为一种生存机制，你可能学会了 咎由自取.在这种情况下，你可能压抑着很多与不公正和不平衡有关的愤怒，你可能会再次把这些愤怒转嫁到自己身上，或者转嫁到容易成为攻击目标的孩子身上。你可能 视伴侣为孩子 比成年人更有能力应对生活。由于你不敢表达自己的想法，或者患上某种慢性疾病，你自己就有使用操纵行为（被动攻击）的危险。

外向性

内向的人通过专注于内心的感受和想法来寻找刺激和获得能量，而外向的人则不同，他们会 人际关系的刺激 and external experiences. Yet, it’s rarely the only reason to stay in a toxic relationship. Check if you might have missed some other emotional motivation.

不知如何独处

Maybe you grew up in a big family and you never had privacy and quiet time. Animals on corporate farms, who are discouraged to go outside when young, will be afraid to go out in the open air when they grow up, even if it becomes possible. (Speaking about that, it is a common way for corporations to justify misleading advertising such as “free range animals”, while in reality their animals never even taste grass. Don’t trust everything you read on labels.) Maybe you are conditioned in a similar way? Do you lack 内在力量 和内心的支持，能够面对新奇的沉默和孤独？

最后，我想说一些令人鼓舞的事情：我所认识的那些决定克服恐惧、面对独处挑战的人都说，他们 比预期更享受（暂时的）孤独.独处是一个了解自己、了解自己的天赋和兴趣、了解自己的渴望和情感财富的时期。就像对待其他人一样，只有充分了解自己，你才能真正爱自己。

相关文章

与自己的情感亲密接触

爱情关系中的模式

你愿意面对痛苦吗？

所有文章 

在线辅导