情感逻辑

我最近在与一位客户合作时引用了他的一句话：

“I don’t value myself, so if a girl falls in love with me, I automatically respect her less.”

让这句话沉淀片刻吧。这一句话几乎包含了整部小说（以及一些令人钦佩的意识和诚实）。

情感逻辑对我们行为的影响远远强于任何理性知识。事实上，在很多时候 人们用理性思维为情感冲动辩护.可惜的是，情感逻辑往往基于我们的童年印象，再加上我们的本能和荷尔蒙。在某种简化的方式下，它是非常有道理的，但它把事情缩小到一个非常有限、夸张和概括的角度。然后，它就会延伸开来，给我们对新体验的印象和结论染上色彩。

再举几个例子：

“I associate love with violence – so if somebody offers me love and attention, I become irritated and push them away, sometimes by verbal violence, even if I love them. Partly because I’m frightened, partly perhaps because aggression is allowed in close relationships, in my frame of mind.”

“My girlfriend was controlling and manipulative – but no matter how much I disliked it, that’s what made me feel safe and able to relax and let go of my own need for control. It’s like I felt 有人 had to control things, so better her than me, because I didn’t feel competent enough.”

“My mother used to tell me about my alcoholic father, “You are the only one who can solve this!” However, I didn’t dare even try to help father, because I felt I would have failed and thus taken away my mother’s hope. Now, as adult, I feel blocked when encountering problems – I’m afraid if I try, I will find out how much I don’t know – and I’m supposed to know it.”

“As a child, I needed to believe that I was the cause of my parents’ fights – otherwise I would have felt even less important. I wanted at least something going on around me, some emotions expressed, even if unpleasant. Now I find that I feel somehow comfortable and even in a weird way comforted within relationship chaos and emotional pain.”

有一些常见的 规则 情感逻辑：

• • 儿童信任看护人 并认同他们

• • 儿童 尽量保持重要关系往往以牺牲自己的个性和自我形象为代价

• • 儿童倾向于 引咎辞职 因为他们不懂

• • 为了保护自己免受痛苦情绪的伤害，孩子们会创造 防御机制 (如愤怒、回避、痴迷、操纵和其他无数可能的行为）

• • 这些模式成为 后续经验的过滤器

• 在遇到问题时，我们的大脑往往会 诉诸童年时似乎最有效的行为。

These basic rules, interacting with individual experiences and circumstances, often create convoluted yet still rather predictable consequences, not unlike fractals created by mathematical equations.  That’s why exploring our deepest imprints together feels like science and art in the same time.

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