如何识别情感勒索？

操纵的定义假定 荫蔽 试图 控制他人通常涉及歪曲事实和用词可能 难辨真伪. That’s why people are often confused whether they might be manipulated or not. In fact, it’s not uncommon for manipulators to accuse their victims of manipulation – which, of course, is just another form of manipulation.

除其他外，人们常常对人际关系中的正常现象感到困惑。 When is a demand or even an ultimatum appropriate and “legitimate”, and when is it manipulative? It’s not always easy to distinguish, but it’s easy to superficially label any ultimatum as blackmail. Here are some guidelines how to distinguish between them.
 

迹象 情感勒索:

– by inducing unpleasant emotions (guilt, pity, fear…), a manipulator 试图避免为自己的感受和决定承担责任但也有责任 坦诚相见.(任何一种 受害者态度 和大声自怜就是很好的例子）。推卸责任是情感讹诈的核心，也是破坏谈判平衡的一种方式。有时，讹诈被用来掩盖懒惰或自私。

– threats of 不相称的后果, usually in terms of emotional pain, for minor faults, disagreements or decisions. Example: “Granny will be so sad if you don’t do this!” (threatening guilt). the manipulator tries to make the other person feel bad, usually through 羞愧、指责或拒绝威胁, i.e.: “How can you do this to your mother who sacrificed so much for you?” Or, I had a grandfather who, when I’d call him and tell him who I was, used to answer the phone and keep silent for quite a while, after which he’s usually say “Who is that? I don’t know your name”, until I explained to him that the more he played such games, the less I’d be motivated to even phone him, let alone see him.

– a (covertly) dismissive attitude toward the target’s personal boundaries and integrity, and 缺乏考虑和同情 for the target’s emotions and needs (and sometimes for collateral victims, too – such as a divorced parent using the love for children to blackmail the other parent)

– the attitude of demeaning the target’s whole personality rather than criticizing specific behavior (“it’s so selfish of you to…” rather than “I’m frustrated with your lack of consideration for…”). This is often expressed more through non-verbal communication than actual words.

– trying to evade or take away the target’s right to choose; offering one’s own perspective as the only possible option. The goal is to make it difficult for the targeted person to make a free and informed choice aligned with their own personality and integrity. (“If you move away, I’m sure I’ll get sick and die!”)

– exploiting the target’s ideals and qualities 例如，以不诚实的方式表达同理心、责任感和义务感。此外 受害者游戏一个常见的例子是，你帮了目标人物一个忙（有时是不请自来的），但事后却要他们承担以下责任 知恩图报 的方式损害了他们的需求和底线。例如，有些年轻男性认为，如果女孩帮了他们的忙，他们就欠她性。由于操纵者通常 知道他们的要求是过分的在这种情况下，他们绝不会事先宣布，而目标对象仍有机会拒绝他们的好意。不少 父母 利用自己生孩子的决定来为以后 勒索子女 为他们牺牲。 

另一个例子是，一个人大肆宣扬别人如何帮助自己（通常同时扮演受害者），目的是羞辱目标，让他也这样做。

标记 恳切 要求或最后通牒：

– you express your requests, emotions and needs 无怪 (such as “I know you might not be aware of it, but here is why this is important to me…”)

– 专注于困扰你的特定行为, rather than attacking someone’s personality (i.e. “when you keep making that noise, it creates more and more discomfort in me each time”)

– you clearly express that you are asking for something because it’s important to you personally, rather than it being an universal truth or right

– you determine realistic (moderate) and 适当后果 if your demands are not fulfilled, and you are consistent in putting them into practice (if you don’t want to help me with the housework, then I won’t have time/energy/desire to spend the evening with you)

– 你们愿意谈判如果合理的话

– 你愿意接受对方的选择 不自责，坦然面对后果（包括在确定自己与对方不合适的情况下结束关系）。

Of course, it can be difficult to determine which consequences are appropriate for which behavior, especially if the criteria for acceptable or unacceptable behavior are unclear. That’s why you need to first 明确自己的优先事项 和需求，并让对方也清楚地了解这些需求。另一个好的标准是 非语言交流; is it victimy and blaming, or adult and calm? We all have instincts that tell us when someone’s non-verbal communication feels honest; use them.

Some people might be so used to emotional blackmail (it’s almost a part of the culture in some places) that they are 认不出 such behavior is not healthy or normal. They might act with strong conviction and non-verbal congruence even when they are avoiding responsibility. Insecure and pliable people might be swayed by such an attitude, so if you are among such people, you need to learn to trust your guts and common sense over somebody else’s confidence.

如果你的成长过程充满了罪恶感, you might have difficulties appreciating your own feelings and recognizing unhealthy demands and unhealthy guilt – after all, they were quite normal in your childhood. Still, most people have at least some 警告他们的本能 关于不健康的人和操纵，通常表现为愤怒和情绪抵触。学会区分自己的健康情绪和不健康情绪，并 学会处理不愉快的情绪 (这是能够抵御情感勒索的首要条件）的做法 观察自己的感受 and check out the article “情感成熟度“.

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