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自我评价
自尊与爱情关系
Sometimes people ask me which qualities should one seek in a potential partner. I thought that this question deserved to be answered in more detail so here I present a LONG answer. I will put self-esteem in the first place, since self-esteem influences...
什么是自尊？
自尊到底是什么？它常常以不健康、不成熟的方式出现。因此，人们很容易把自尊等同于傲慢、粗鲁和自我中心。让我们来探讨一下真正健康的自尊意味着什么。我想谈的是远...
自尊与暴力
It's a common mistake to associate self-esteem and violence. Even psychologists sometimes do it, let alone laymen. I'll quote an author I won't name (because I'm about to criticize them a bit): "People who love themselves, don't try to hurt others" says Oprah Winfrey,...
自尊与内疚
你是否在过去犯过让自己至今仍后悔和无法原谅的错误？你是否伤害了他人或自己的机会？你是否长期感到无缘无故的低度内疚？你是否有时觉得自己不配拥有幸福？很多人都会破坏自己的...
如何克服社交拒绝和尴尬
归属的本能 人类有一种本能的需求，那就是被他人接受并感觉与他人相连。我们完全没有能力独自生存，部落合作是我们作为一个物种生存的必要条件。在人类的大部分...
当我缺乏安全感时，为什么会表现得幼稚？
from Q&A section Question: If I feel insecure or nervous, I start behaving like a child with my partner. It annoys him, but when I see that he is angry, I fall even more into that childish behavior. I remember that I used to do this before at work too. I don’t...
我是不是很无聊？该怎么办？
photo credit: Camila Quintero Franco Question: My ex told me I was boring. It hurts, of course. I’m not sure what to think or do about it. I’m not even sure if I really want to change. But, of course, I would like people to find me interesting. I don’t like the...
如何在关心他人想法和自私自利之间找到平衡？
Question: Where is the middle ground between “stop caring about what others think” and “stop being so selfish”? photo by Leio McLaren Answer: Both caring about what other people think and selfishness are parts of our biological makeup, as well as our upbringing. Some...
我怎样才能不再觉得没有人会爱我？
Question: I’m lonely and feel unattractive. I have difficulties connecting with people. How can I stop feeling that no one will ever love me? Answer: Did you feel loved as a child? Our expectations of the world are based on our experiences with our...
如何用 10 个步骤战胜失恋
Question: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I’m finding it very hard to move on. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don’t even know where to start. How to...
单身如何快乐
许多人的情感并不健康和成熟。因此，即使不是大多数人，也有许多人的恋爱关系是失败的（尽管周围仍有不少健康、幸福的恋爱关系）。学习建立伙伴关系的技巧和找到合适的伴侣可能需要很长时间。
对无礼者的最佳回击
My core topic is emotional maturity, so it's expected that I'd always advise polite and de-escalating communication—and so I do. However, that kind of communication only works with fundamentally well-meaning people, which is not everybody. Some people love to put...
How To Stop Being a People Pleaser
Sometimes the best people feel the worst about themselves. They blame themselves too much, excuse abuse, and feel undeserving. They put themselves last and seem to feel better when giving. But in the end, they often end up unappreciated, exploited, or even abused....
爱与亲密
自尊与爱情关系
Sometimes people ask me which qualities should one seek in a potential partner. I thought that this question deserved to be answered in more detail so here I present a LONG answer. I will put self-esteem in the first place, since self-esteem influences...
在爱中受苦
坠入爱河的无意识基础 也许您熟悉这样一种观点，即我们常常会被那些让我们想起父母或童年环境的人所吸引。或者，这是一个全新的想法，很难接受？
嫉妒
嫉妒和占有欲 嫉妒通常是最幼稚的情绪。虽然恐惧、愤怒、悲伤、羞耻和类似的体验可以与外部现实相适应（尽管在大多数情况下，它是现实与幼稚、夸张和...
爱情关系中的模式
潜意识与爱 你喜欢爱你的另一半吗？看似矛盾的是，对许多人来说，爱是痛苦而非幸福的源泉。在成年人的关系中，我们的需求、印记和信念的深度和强度都来自于......
爱情能持续 3 年？
How relationships fail I've once read an article in a paper magazine which half-jokingly stated that "every love lasts 3 years". The idea was that intimacy, passion and infatuation in an average relationship last about 3 years, after which they either dissipate into...
如何保持激情
To keep passion alive, we need to look beyond romantic ideals and recognize the psychological patterns and needs that shape our experience of love. The ecstasy we feel when our love is returned is greatly based on the feeling that we are fully accepted, approved of,...
为结婚或同居做准备
To prepare for marriage is not just a matter of decision or emotion, but a process that involves maturity, communication, and a willingness to face the challenges that a relationship brings. If you look around a bit, it seems that in most "stable" relationships...
害怕孤独
有时，我感到惊讶的是，有多少人说，对独处的恐惧让他们停留在不愉快、不健康甚至暴力的关系中。就我个人而言，我喜欢独处，即使我更喜欢建立在信任基础上的良好关系。对独处的恐惧实际上...
性问题
我曾经写过一篇关于疾病心理背景的文章，性问题往往是心身症状的明显例子。如果您已经做了医学检查，但结果没有显示任何会导致问题的生理问题，那么现在是时候...
您是否觉得被人视作理所当然？虐待与无条件的爱
A common pattern in unhealthy relationships is when (at least) one of the partners takes the other for granted, perhaps being aggressive, manipulative or dismissive – but when the other partner decides to leave, the first suddenly starts acting like an abandoned...
与前任保持联系可以吗？
Sometimes people ask me if it's OK for them or their partner to stay in touch with an ex after starting a new relationship. If you have been reading my posts and articles for a while, you will know that I avoid categorical judgments about "right" and "wrong", except...
人际关系中的红旗
在恋爱关系中，不相容是相当常见的现象，这意味着有很多潜在的不相容信号，这取决于一个人的价值观和个人特质。然而，有时您可能并不只是与恋爱对象不相容，您可能还有......
婚姻：爱还是责任？
大多数人在步入婚姻殿堂时，都满怀 "至死不渝 "的互爱互敬理想，以及幸福、聪明、合作的子女。然而，生活并非如此整洁有序，它常常会给我们带来挑战，仿佛在说："真的吗？好吧，让我们看看......
为什么缺乏吸引力的女性婚姻更幸福？
Many women are worried about their looks. I don’t really have to explain much about it. Sufficient to quote someone from endless online comment sections: “I’ve never seen a woman who would be truly beautiful without make up.” Personally, I think it’s ridiculous. Many...
Attachment Styles and Disorders & How To Heal Them
Adult attachment theory includes patterns of emotional attraction (related article: "Patterns in Love Relationships"), as well as immature emotions or age regression ("Emotional Maturity"), joining them into a systematic overview of several most common...
Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)
爱情和吸引力背后的生物学 很多男人都相互鼓励，认为女人想要的是霸气十足的男人，他们会压倒她们，让她们知道自己的位置。的确，从生物学角度来看，女性更容易被自信、甚至霸道的男性所吸引...
对亲密关系的恐惧
All children (well, all healthy children) crave their parents' attention. "Mom, look at me!", "Dad, let's play!" If such and other expressions of desire for connection are refused in a cold or even aggressive manner, or if emotional connection is...
价值观与个人特质
大多数人选择亲密伴侣、朋友，有时甚至是商业伙伴，都是基于他们的个人特质，而不是他们的价值观。例如，我们会注意到某个人聪明、风趣、友好、自信，等等。然而，所有这些...
当伴侣成为父母的替代品时会发生什么？
试图改变伴侣 当我为夫妻（也包括个人）工作时，在他们对伴侣的尖刻批评中，我常常能猜到一个人想对父母说什么，但由于种种原因不能或不敢说。(有时我真的能...
事务：谁、为什么以及如何继续前进
安全感（缺失）的悖论 在良好持久的关系中，亲密和理解是人生中最美好的体验之一。另一方面，认为我们可以 "拥有 "别人的情感，或者我们可以控制生活的想法是不现实的，也是荒谬的。然而...
你的潜意识相信什么是爱？
如果你扪心自问，你从父母身上学到了什么关于爱的东西--从他们每个人身上，以及从他们之间的关系中--你可能会得出有趣的见解。但是，我们有意识的回答只是冰山一角，而我们情感中的大部分都是在父母身上学到的。
试图挽回失去的爱情
Feelings from childhood Being left by someone is hard on both our ego and our inner child. Suddenly losing a source of human connection and attention—whether we appreciated it or took it for granted—often triggers childhood memories of loss and abandonment, sometimes...
关于恋爱的 20 多节必修课
About half of my clients come to work with me because of problems in love relationships, which means l have heard endless variations of love stories and love games. Most of these variations include people being carried away by childish emotions, ignoring the...
关系中沟通的 10 条关键规则
photo by: Roman Craft Every relationship has its problems and it is not realistic to think we will always have an understanding, agreement and great communication with a partner. A relatively common problem is when one person expects that they shouldn't have to...
My Partner’s Daughter is Jealous of Our Relationship (Emotional Incest)
问题我今年 52 岁，离过婚，最近开始了一段新恋情，对象是一名离过婚的男子，他有三个成年女儿。自从他把我介绍给他的女儿们后，最小的那个女儿就感到非常不安全。她开始经常来我家，...
我的标准是否过高？
Question: I live in a patriarchal, traditional environment. I am 30 years old and have had three short-term relationships so far, none lasting longer than 3 months. It’s clear to me that I fear intimacy, having been hurt and abandoned as a child, with my parents being...
婆婆干涉我的婚姻（情感乱伦）
Question: Recently, I got married, but very quickly problems began with my mother-in-law. She doesn’t allow us privacy—she tries to spend every afternoon with us. She lies to my husband about me and makes up things I haven’t done. My husband even decided to cut short...
如果害怕冲突，如何开始艰难的对话？
Photo by: Chris Sabor Question: I feel taken for granted in my relationship. I tried to express my concerns, but nothing changed and it nearly caused an argument. I’m avoiding trying to talk about it again because I don’t want another fight. How can I...
人际关系中的无聊和失去激情
问题我和女友恋爱刚满一年，我感觉失去了刚开始时的激情和迷恋。一方面，我认为这是一个正常的过程。然而，我发现自己越来越对其他...
异地恋成功的 6 个技巧
技术使异地恋更容易开始和维持。另一方面，由于人们对野心和流动性的期望越来越高，即伴侣中的任何一方都有可能在异地找到工作，这也会对异地恋产生负面影响。
Successful Relationships With Asperger’s Syndrome
From Q&A section: Is it possible for people with Asperger’s syndrome to have successful relationships? What are some tips for maintaining a healthy relationship for individuals with Asperger’s syndrome, as well as their partners? Answer: Every person and...
Is it OK to end a relationship if I’m no longer happy?
摘自问答部分：即使我的伴侣没有做错任何事，仅仅因为我不再快乐而结束一段关系是否合理？答：周围有很多人是在友好的条件下分手的，并没有责怪他们的前男友。也许他们...
我怎样才能原谅过去伤害过我的男朋友？
来自问答部分 答案：愤怒/怨恨通常有三个主要原因（互不排斥）：你觉得自己的幸福受到了客观威胁，愤怒是保护自己的能量来源。如果那个人还是你的男朋友，而不是前男友，那可能是...
如何判断你的伴侣是否真的结束了过去的恋情？
图片来源：Negar Nikkhah，来自问与答部分 问题：如何判断伴侣是真的对过去的感情已经释怀，还是在隐藏自己的感情？如何判断您的伴侣是真的对过去的恋情已经释怀，还是为了不伤害您的感情而隐藏自己的感情？答: 他们对和你在一起表现出真正的热情（不仅仅是口头上的，还包括他们的行为）。
My partner doesn’t want to change. Is it a red flag?
Question: My partner doesn't want to change the things that bother me in their behavior. Is it a red flag? Does it mean I should end the relationship? Answer: It depends on what you want them to change. If you’d like them to change something small and superficial that...
约会中的绿旗：如何识别健康的关系？
问题在约会和恋爱关系中，有哪些 "绿旗"？我怎样才能知道我的新恋情是否健康？答：您可能需要阅读《关系中的红旗》一文，并确保一切都反其道而行之。玩笑归玩笑，重要的是...
如何在不争吵的情况下向伴侣提出建议
photo by: frame harirak This article was inspired by a common question: “Is it appropriate to give your partner advice about what you’d like them to change?” Let’s explore how to give advice without making your partner upset: Communicating Boundaries and...
为女权主义而战
问题我刚开始一段异地恋（几个月）。我和男朋友最近因为女权主义的问题吵了一架。从那以后，他似乎更加疏远我了。我害怕失去他--他是个很好的人。您能给我一些建议吗？请回答：很多细节都...
如何用 10 个步骤战胜失恋
Question: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I’m finding it very hard to move on. I can’t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don’t even know where to start. How to...
13 Reasons Why People Send Mixed Signals
At the start of a (potential) relationship, it’s not uncommon to feel confused by someone’s behavior. One day they flirt with you, the next they act distant. They might say all the right things, but never follow through. They may be warm and affectionate in private,...
沟通
设定界限
Ideals and traditions Many writers suggest ideal behaviors which people should strive to develop. Many people want to live up to spiritual ideals such as helping others, kindness, generosity and sharing. They often forget, however, that most people they meet...
沟通、操纵和权力需求
I have noticed, from time to time, books and workshops that are advertised with bombastic promises such as: 'take control in all communication', 'get people to do things you want them to do', ' develop magnetic attraction' and so on. Everything we do influences other...
非语言和微妙的交流
The more we work on noticing details of our communications with others, the more we start to notice how much we usually miss. There are so many messages the person we talk to will send through very small nonverbal signals, the tone of their voice or their choice of...
如何识别情感勒索？
Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation. Manipulation, by definition, presumes covert attempt to control others, usually involving twisting facts and using words in ways that might be difficult to distinguish from honest communication. That's why people...
为人父母、控制和内疚
The need to control Some of the tasks of responsible parents are to teach, direct, support and, in some situations, control their children. But if a person gets stuck in this role and applies this attitude to adults around them, they will create stress and conflicts...
我讨厌操纵的 5 个原因
Quite often, when discussing or reading discussions about manipulative marketing and other ways in which individuals cheat other people out of their hard-earned money (or time, or energy, or anything), I see people admiring skillful manipulators. Many will...
你会批评别人吗？
Being critical of others can have different causes, but one often overlooked is fear. Is it difficult for you to set boundaries? Do you have trouble saying “No”, or do you avoid conflicts? If you doubt your ability to defend yourself, you might expect people to know...
沟通方式：引导和告知
Among many other details when it comes to relationships and communication, it’s useful to be aware of the difference between two basic ways to express a wish or a request: directing and informing. Most people are not even aware which of these communication styles they...
如何挺身而出
Protecting one's own personal boundaries and finding balance with other people, whether family or strangers, and often in subtle ways, are everyday parts of a human life. Testing and pushing on others' boundaries is normal in a relationship of a child to a parent, and...
如何克服社交拒绝和尴尬
归属的本能 人类有一种本能的需求，那就是被他人接受并感觉与他人相连。我们完全没有能力独自生存，部落合作是我们作为一个物种生存的必要条件。在人类的大部分...
关系中沟通的 10 条关键规则
photo by: Roman Craft Every relationship has its problems and it is not realistic to think we will always have an understanding, agreement and great communication with a partner. A relatively common problem is when one person expects that they shouldn't have to...
如何抵制操纵
为什么我们会被操纵？ 如果我们认为自己的强烈情绪是现实的，就很难抵制操纵。大多数人似乎认为，情绪越强烈，就越现实。但现实往往恰恰相反（除了...
“You are …!” Unveiling the Dark Sides of Praise
作者：克里斯蒂安-鲁克克里斯蒂安-鲁克菲利普-拉梅特（Philippe Ramette） 想象一下，在一个车间里，班组长只表扬一贯工作出色的操作员，却忽视了那些努力不懈的操作员的努力和进步。这种忽视真正认可的做法会...
“Why Don’t People Like Me?” Overcome Loneliness
引言 互联网和现代技术常常被指责为现代 "孤独流行病 "的罪魁祸首。尽管互联网和现代技术确实起到了推波助澜的作用，但在它们出现之前，只要人们有物质条件单独生活，分离和孤独的趋势就已经存在。
当我缺乏安全感时，为什么会表现得幼稚？
from Q&A section Question: If I feel insecure or nervous, I start behaving like a child with my partner. It annoys him, but when I see that he is angry, I fall even more into that childish behavior. I remember that I used to do this before at work too. I don’t...
如果害怕冲突，如何开始艰难的对话？
Photo by: Chris Sabor Question: I feel taken for granted in my relationship. I tried to express my concerns, but nothing changed and it nearly caused an argument. I’m avoiding trying to talk about it again because I don’t want another fight. How can I...
当配偶对你不满时，如何与他们沟通？
Question: How to communicate with my wife when she's angry with me? No matter what I say, it seems to make things worse. Answer: Most importantly: first validate and understand. Only after that, explain your point of view. It’s a normal human need (even if a bit...
我是不是很无聊？该怎么办？
photo credit: Camila Quintero Franco Question: My ex told me I was boring. It hurts, of course. I’m not sure what to think or do about it. I’m not even sure if I really want to change. But, of course, I would like people to find me interesting. I don’t like the...
如何在不争吵的情况下向伴侣提出建议
photo by: frame harirak This article was inspired by a common question: “Is it appropriate to give your partner advice about what you’d like them to change?” Let’s explore how to give advice without making your partner upset: Communicating Boundaries and...
如何在受到批评时使用肯定：基本沟通技巧
How does validation work? It is an universal human need for our emotions to be understood, accepted and empathized with – that’s called validation. The old saying “pain shared is half felt” did not become popular by chance. We don’t even necessarily need to be...
为女权主义而战
问题我刚开始一段异地恋（几个月）。我和男朋友最近因为女权主义的问题吵了一架。从那以后，他似乎更加疏远我了。我害怕失去他--他是个很好的人。您能给我一些建议吗？请回答：很多细节都...
如何不再成为控制狂？
问题如何不再成为控制狂？我想不再试图控制一切，不再对他人进行微观管理，但我不知道从何做起。当事情不完全按照我的想法发展时，我就会感到焦虑。这让我倍感压力，导致我...
对无礼者的最佳回击
My core topic is emotional maturity, so it's expected that I'd always advise polite and de-escalating communication—and so I do. However, that kind of communication only works with fundamentally well-meaning people, which is not everybody. Some people love to put...
流离失所的侵略
Displaced aggression is a term that describes venting aggression on people or objects that are not the source of frustration but are safer targets. In large cities, for instance, it’s not uncommon to encounter strangers who aggressively criticize you for a minor,...
How to Teach Children to Spot Manipulation: 9 Practical Tips
Manipulation is everywhere, and the less experience children have, the more vulnerable they are to it. Sometimes, children of honest, authentic people can be the most inexperienced and the most likely to trust others to their own detriment. It’s important to...
How To Stop Being a People Pleaser
Sometimes the best people feel the worst about themselves. They blame themselves too much, excuse abuse, and feel undeserving. They put themselves last and seem to feel better when giving. But in the end, they often end up unappreciated, exploited, or even abused....
情绪健康与幸福
与自己的情感亲密接触
每一种需要客户合作和情感参与的个人发展方法，都假定客户对自己的情感有充分的认识，工作才能取得成功。在书籍或工作坊中，很少能找到包含不同...
观察感受
At the root of much immature behavior is an urge to avoid unpleasant feelings. Practicing observing our feelings is the foundation of self-improvement - as well as being one of the most natural, simple and actually pleasant exercises of self-awareness. I cannot...
情感成熟度
没有多少人会想到 "情感成熟 "这个词，但它与智力或身体成熟一样重要。我曾在书中读到，许多人在青春期结束时情感就不再成熟，而其他作者则声称情感成熟最常见的情况是...
健康的家庭关系
Although most people understand, or at least feel intuitively how do healthy family relationships look like, in most families there is still quite a lot of unhealthy programming and a huge load of imposed guilt. Those patterns hinder many people from acting in...
如何放松和减轻压力
Modern life especially with the addition of mobile phones and social media-induced dopamine overload, can make people forget how to relax. Causes of long-term stress can roughly fall into several main categories: Being overburdened with obligations and tasks; Toxic...
嫉妒
嫉妒和占有欲 嫉妒通常是最幼稚的情绪。虽然恐惧、愤怒、悲伤、羞耻和类似的体验可以与外部现实相适应（尽管在大多数情况下，它是现实与幼稚、夸张和...
自尊与暴力
It's a common mistake to associate self-esteem and violence. Even psychologists sometimes do it, let alone laymen. I'll quote an author I won't name (because I'm about to criticize them a bit): "People who love themselves, don't try to hurt others" says Oprah Winfrey,...
爱情关系中的模式
潜意识与爱 你喜欢爱你的另一半吗？看似矛盾的是，对许多人来说，爱是痛苦而非幸福的源泉。在成年人的关系中，我们的需求、印记和信念的深度和强度都来自于......
害怕孤独
有时，我感到惊讶的是，有多少人说，对独处的恐惧让他们停留在不愉快、不健康甚至暴力的关系中。就我个人而言，我喜欢独处，即使我更喜欢建立在信任基础上的良好关系。对独处的恐惧实际上...
疾病心理学
The psychology of disease is still often overlooked in medicine, with most focus going to physical symptoms. But that’s slowly changing—more professionals are starting to recognize how much our thoughts, emotions, and stress levels affect both illness and recovery,...
情感成熟度测试
Most people like tests! This emotional maturity test could give you some interesting insights. Answer each statement with YES, NO or MAYBE / SOMETIMES. Answer spontaneously, without analysing too much. Write down or remember your answers and check your points in the...
情感成熟度测试（第 2 部分）
有评论的要点 1.我的国家毫无希望。我希望移民！YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES：+1解释："是 "表示只关注负面因素，以偏概全，非黑即白，扮演受害者--尤其是如果您生活在欧洲，...
改变有毒习惯的 11 个技巧
How many times did you make such a decision: starting tomorrow, I will quit smoking, biting my nails, overeating, drinking coffee... or: I will start exercising, watch less television, be more organized... Typically, such decisions appear easy to put into practice,...
你太敏感了吗？
情绪 "超敏 "是一个相对的类别，就像各种感官敏感一样。比如，有人能告诉你，你对辣椒 "过于敏感 "吗？人们对声音、气味、味道和情绪的敏感程度各不相同。
受虐狂的治疗
Emotional masochism Many people are bonded to suffering in some way. As children, they might have learned that they would be rewarded or comforted if they suffer, or they might have observed suffering people receiving special care and attention. Many children...
恐惧的礼物（和一些回忆）
“Intuition is always right in at least two important ways: 1. It is always in response to something. 2. It always has your best interest at heart. (...) Our interpretation of intuition is not always right.” Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear This time I want to present...
饮食、压力和焦虑
A danger in any therapy practice is if a therapist only focuses on one aspect of the problem – usually the one (s)he is specialized in. While most emotional issues have at least some psychological components that can be addressed through therapy, it’s important to...
关于情感成熟的问答
Recently I had an interesting philosophical discussion about what "mature behavior" and "mature emotions" actually are, and according to which (and whose) criteria is emotional maturity defined. Some of the criteria I already wrote about in the article "Emotional...
Emotional Logic: 6 Essential Rules
We tend to expect ourselves and others to behave in a sensible, rational manner. Yet under stress, most people behave irrationally. When our emotions are not triggered, it’s easy to see reason. But when something activates our childhood memories, a different set of...
如何保持内心的温暖
Human inner warmth is a fragile thing. Even children who show or ask for emotional warmth are often rejected, ignored or even ridiculed. School, college and business are often brutal environments where people who fight for power are often the loudest and have the most...
将情感痛苦转化为激情和灵感
身体疼痛是一个信号，表明出了问题。我们的自动反应是尽快减轻疼痛。我们对情绪上的痛苦做出同样的反应也是合情合理的。此外，我们的社区和文化使我们习惯于回避不愉快的情绪，隐藏自己的情绪。
When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion
前段时间，我在美国与一位女士合作，她有一家私人企业，她非常投入，富有创造力和责任感，而且很有可能取得成功。但是，事情还是在走下坡路，主要是因为她与员工的关系--...
你的职业倦怠是无意识内疚的结果吗？
助人者如何成为助人者 从社会工作者到医疗护士，没有人会无缘无故地将自己的职业生涯奉献给助人事业。好吧，有些江湖骗子利用人们的利益，就像在任何地方一样；有些人只是希望获得一份安全的工作或地位，但是......
如何真正宽恕并被宽恕？
为什么有时宽恕会如此困难？许多新纪元和自助书籍都说，要想获得内心的平静，我们必须原谅伤害过我们的人。关于如何真正做到这一点，常见的说法是：只要决定原谅！或者他们可能会指导你...
如何克服犯错恐惧
错误是最好的学习方法 很多家长都会给孩子灌输害怕犯错的思想。然而，犯错不仅是正常的，而且是必要的。错误不仅是必要的，甚至是可取的。为什么是可取的？因为错误是最好、最快的学习方式。
当人们害怕自己的情绪时
觉察到自己的情绪并与之建立联系，会给我们带来许多好处：内心的平静、对自己的支持和友谊、丰富的内心生活、自尊、抗压能力、创造力、对自己和他人的理解、平静和成熟......
什么是年龄回归？
Generally about the concept of age regression After all these years of writing about and working with emotions from childhood, it may finally be time to clarify some more the term I use in virtually every other article. 🙂 Generally, the term "age regression" is used...
觉得自己不够好：如何认识并从根本上治愈它
照片：Warren Wong 自卑感的迹象 觉得自己不够好是最基本的感觉之一，也是迄今为止大多数人从小就有的最常见的感觉。很多人都没有意识到自己内心有这种感觉，因为这种感觉可能会表现为...
恐慌症、恐惧症和焦虑症：如何应对？
本文节选自工作手册《化恐惧为勇气》。 恐惧是婴儿最初也是最常见的经历之一。我们的情绪模式会变得更强大、更有影响力、更难以解决，如果它们...
享受生活的最简单方式
照片由 Vika Strawberrika 在 Unsplash 上拍摄 我们中的大多数人在很多方面都习惯于感觉不到应有的满足。进化在很大程度上塑造了我们专注于寻找和注意危险的习惯，即使在我们做得很好的时候也是如此。不仅如此，一旦我们...
“Why Don’t People Like Me?” Overcome Loneliness
引言 互联网和现代技术常常被指责为现代 "孤独流行病 "的罪魁祸首。尽管互联网和现代技术确实起到了推波助澜的作用，但在它们出现之前，只要人们有物质条件单独生活，分离和孤独的趋势就已经存在。
如何做出更好的决定？
Do you often have problems with making decisions? If you try making up your mind based on conscious information and temporary emotions, your decision making might be limited and confusing (even if we ignore the impact of childhood emotions – which we shouldn't). I...
边缘综合症还是自我仇恨？
如果你不爱自己、不欣赏自己，你可能还没有意识到这一点。也许你已经习惯了不断的内在自我批评，并将其视为正常现象；也许你生活在一种情感空虚和与感情疏离的状态中，主要...
边缘综合症：无法抑制童年情绪？
快速免责声明：我既不是精神科医生，也不是神经科医生，但我是一名心理学家，我读到的有关边缘型人格障碍（BPD）的文章越多，就越觉得有必要把我的想法连贯起来写下来。不要把它们当作结论，而是作为一种...
如何在关心他人想法和自私自利之间找到平衡？
Question: Where is the middle ground between “stop caring about what others think” and “stop being so selfish”? photo by Leio McLaren Answer: Both caring about what other people think and selfishness are parts of our biological makeup, as well as our upbringing. Some...
我怎样才能不再觉得没有人会爱我？
Question: I’m lonely and feel unattractive. I have difficulties connecting with people. How can I stop feeling that no one will ever love me? Answer: Did you feel loved as a child? Our expectations of the world are based on our experiences with our...
单身如何快乐
许多人的情感并不健康和成熟。因此，即使不是大多数人，也有许多人的恋爱关系是失败的（尽管周围仍有不少健康、幸福的恋爱关系）。学习建立伙伴关系的技巧和找到合适的伴侣可能需要很长时间。
黑魔法还是童年编程？
In a public talk I gave some years ago, a man from the audience asked if I believed in black magic. He explained that, no matter what he did, things just didn’t work out in his life, so he suspected some external malevolent influence at work. He wasn’t...
自我破坏背后的秘密原因（以及如何摆脱困境）
许多人并没有充分意识到他们经常进行自我破坏。想想看：你是否曾经差点完成一个重要的项目，却突然失去了完成它的精力和动力？你是否曾经推开过一段充满希望的关系（任何...
7 Steps To Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Escape from Freedom Many people admire and envy birds. We would love to have that lightness and freedom of movement. Gravity keeps us trapped in our own bodies. But more than that, the feeling of constraint arises when you are afraid to get out of your comfort...
家庭和儿童
人格的基本裂痕
In this article I will describe a process that seems to be present to some extent in many families. If you do not recognise yourself in it at all, you probably had very wise parents. In that case, this article can help you to better understand other people’s...
健康的家庭关系
Although most people understand, or at least feel intuitively how do healthy family relationships look like, in most families there is still quite a lot of unhealthy programming and a huge load of imposed guilt. Those patterns hinder many people from acting in...
Responsible Feminism
Norman Rockwell: "The Jury" Modern feminism is often focused on complaining and putting men down, which is inefficient, and often counter-productive. Responsible feminism can bring much better results, even if it's often harder. Let's see how to do it - but...
Children and Money – Setting Boundaries
Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash At first glance, “children and money” may seem like a practical issue, but it quickly reveals deeper questions about boundaries, responsibility, communication, shame and guilt. Children who have not yet become familiar with the way money...
儿童需要挑战
What stimulates resourcefulness? In our work, we often notice that people from problematic, chaotic families quite often develop important life resources very early in life: for example intelligence (in order to understand confusing situations and to find a way out of...
您准备好要孩子了吗？
Many people believe they are ready to have a child as soon as they feel the urge for parenthood, but this readiness is often more complex than it seems. The question of whether we are truly ready to have a child does not relate only to external circumstances,...
为人父母、控制和内疚
The need to control Some of the tasks of responsible parents are to teach, direct, support and, in some situations, control their children. But if a person gets stuck in this role and applies this attitude to adults around them, they will create stress and conflicts...
为来自健康家庭的客户提供治疗
While more than 90% of people’s emotional problems seem to originate in childhood (or are at least enhanced by early family), from time to time it’s an interesting experience to work with people who come from healthy families. (Some people who claim so might be in...
如何教孩子运用直觉
什么是直觉？为了明确起见，当我谈到直觉时，我并不是指某种神秘的第六感，也不是指被随机的心理图像或暂时的情绪所迷惑。我对直觉的定义是一种微妙的知识感，它是潜意识的结果。
情感乱伦
当许多人批评父母缺乏爱的时候，有些父母给孩子的爱似乎太多了--但却是不成熟的、有需要的爱，而不是成熟的父母之爱。整合系统教练认识到了情感乱伦的模式及其后果，...
如何向孩子们传授道德价值观，同时又不会让他们太过恼火？
Most of us want an ethical and happy society around us, so we want our children to be kind and constructive members of the society, too. On the other hand, it seems many parents expect their kids to develop morals spontaneously, without investing too much time...
家庭成员死亡
In this bittersweet life, not only must we all face our own mortality, but sooner or later, we also experience the death of a family member or someone else we love. Whether the death is unexpected or anticipated, it is always a profound shock. Despite any...
“You are …!” Unveiling the Dark Sides of Praise
作者：克里斯蒂安-鲁克克里斯蒂安-鲁克菲利普-拉梅特（Philippe Ramette） 想象一下，在一个车间里，班组长只表扬一贯工作出色的操作员，却忽视了那些努力不懈的操作员的努力和进步。这种忽视真正认可的做法会...
My Partner’s Daughter is Jealous of Our Relationship (Emotional Incest)
问题我今年 52 岁，离过婚，最近开始了一段新恋情，对象是一名离过婚的男子，他有三个成年女儿。自从他把我介绍给他的女儿们后，最小的那个女儿就感到非常不安全。她开始经常来我家，...
I don’t like my son’s girlfriend, what can I do?
Question: I don’t like my son’s girlfriend, what can I do? Answer: You haven’t described the situation in detail, but we assume two basic scenarios: 1) either your son has gotten into a relationship with a truly destructive and unhealthy person, or 2) you might be...
传统的性别角色能否奏效？
根据传统的性别角色，许多人认为男人在外工作赚钱，而女人则扮演母亲和家庭主妇的角色。 在人类历史的大部分时间里，这种情况实际上并不普遍，因为妇女也需要工作来确保自己的生活质量。
What If i don’t like being a parent?
问题：我的孩子 9 个月大了，我意识到（也许为时已晚）我不喜欢当父母。照顾女儿对我来说没有任何吸引力。我试着和她玩，但如果得不到回应，我就放弃了。我觉得自己不适合...
如何不打不骂地管教孩子的 15 个技巧
关于管教的误解 根据网上关于为人父母的讨论，相当多的人似乎仍然认为，不打不骂地管教孩子就意味着根本不用管教。他们似乎认为 "不...
How to Teach Children to Spot Manipulation: 9 Practical Tips
Manipulation is everywhere, and the less experience children have, the more vulnerable they are to it. Sometimes, children of honest, authentic people can be the most inexperienced and the most likely to trust others to their own detriment. It’s important to...
Can Immature People Grow Up?
Can immature people grow up? It’s a question clients often ask me. Whether it's an intimate partner, an adult child or a coworker, we might be tired and frustrated with their behavior - yet unwilling or unable to end the relationship. Often, it’s difficult to...
个人成长
如何成为自己的权威
Living our own lives One of the most valuable lessons in human life, in my opinion, is learning to trust yourself and listen to your inner voice, rather than anybody else's. By uncritically accepting anyone else as an authority, we renounce our own responsibility and...
情感成熟度
没有多少人会想到 "情感成熟 "这个词，但它与智力或身体成熟一样重要。我曾在书中读到，许多人在青春期结束时情感就不再成熟，而其他作者则声称情感成熟最常见的情况是...
意识的量子飞跃
A quote attributed to Einstein says that we cannot resolve a problem at the same level of thinking we used when creating it. This is especially true regarding emotional problems and life situations. Often we find ourselves within a disappointing circle of emotions and...
如何实现持久变革
缺乏耐心 有些人只是对自己能够改变缺乏信心。他们觉得自己的问题要么太难，要么太深，或者对已经尝试过的方法感到失望。更常见的情况是，他们倾向于失去动力，如果...
如何保持自我提升的动力
Insufficient intensity and continuity of personal development work are common reasons why many people feel that their efforts do not produce results. At the first glance, this might look like a simple problem and that the solution to stay motivated is just some more...
往事与偏见
我们的大脑活在过去 许多人随着年龄的增长，脾气变得越来越暴躁。也许你注意到自己比以前更爱评判和挑剔？也许你觉得年轻的时候人们更友好、更有礼貌，阳光普照...
改变有毒习惯的 11 个技巧
How many times did you make such a decision: starting tomorrow, I will quit smoking, biting my nails, overeating, drinking coffee... or: I will start exercising, watch less television, be more organized... Typically, such decisions appear easy to put into practice,...
关于精神的杂感
From time to time, I meet people who proudly proclaim that they don’t want to be around anyone who is not “spiritual enough”. Recently that got me thinking: but what does it mean? For some people, it might mean following a certain religion, or any religion. For some,...
你会批评别人吗？
Being critical of others can have different causes, but one often overlooked is fear. Is it difficult for you to set boundaries? Do you have trouble saying “No”, or do you avoid conflicts? If you doubt your ability to defend yourself, you might expect people to know...
内部问题和外部解决方案
Even if we are fully aware that most of our overly intense emotions originate in childhood, it can still be very difficult to turn inward in order to resolve them. Instead, we often instinctively search for external solutions. The urge to blame other people and try to...
Attachment Styles and Disorders & How To Heal Them
Adult attachment theory includes patterns of emotional attraction (related article: "Patterns in Love Relationships"), as well as immature emotions or age regression ("Emotional Maturity"), joining them into a systematic overview of several most common...
保持新年决心的 50 种方法
这将是一篇大象般大小的文章，但请耐心看下去--我希望在文章结束时能给您提供很多有用的想法，让您能够坚持自己的新年决心。每年新年伊始，数百万人（如果不是数十亿人的话）都会列出他们想要改变的事情清单，以便让自己的生活更美好。
你愿意面对痛苦吗？
Avoiding pain means avoiding experience Did you ever keep quiet out of fear rather than standing up for yourself? Do you avoid trying something new in front of others out of fear to look foolish? Do you even avoid expressing love to your family because you fear...
寻求接受
Did you ever feel fully seen and accepted - welcomed - just as you are, here and now? Perhaps you'd agree that it's a feeling that rivals falling in love in some ways. Yet, not only few people in this world really have a chance to experience this, but few...
将情感痛苦转化为激情和灵感
身体疼痛是一个信号，表明出了问题。我们的自动反应是尽快减轻疼痛。我们对情绪上的痛苦做出同样的反应也是合情合理的。此外，我们的社区和文化使我们习惯于回避不愉快的情绪，隐藏自己的情绪。
家庭如何推动企业发展
......即使在你没有意识到的时候 不久前，我曾与一位拥有 7-8 名员工的小企业主合作。从外表上看，她拥有成功所需的一切：她有干劲、有创新精神、真正关心客户、提供服务......
当我缺乏安全感时，为什么会表现得幼稚？
from Q&A section Question: If I feel insecure or nervous, I start behaving like a child with my partner. It annoys him, but when I see that he is angry, I fall even more into that childish behavior. I remember that I used to do this before at work too. I don’t...
How to Break Free From Trauma Bond
Question: Close to a year ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. However, I still feel a deep connection with my ex. It’s difficult to stop thinking about them and wishing they could change. I read it’s called trauma bond. But why does it persist for...
如何不再成为控制狂？
问题如何不再成为控制狂？我想不再试图控制一切，不再对他人进行微观管理，但我不知道从何做起。当事情不完全按照我的想法发展时，我就会感到焦虑。这让我倍感压力，导致我...
单身如何快乐
许多人的情感并不健康和成熟。因此，即使不是大多数人，也有许多人的恋爱关系是失败的（尽管周围仍有不少健康、幸福的恋爱关系）。学习建立伙伴关系的技巧和找到合适的伴侣可能需要很长时间。
黑魔法还是童年编程？
In a public talk I gave some years ago, a man from the audience asked if I believed in black magic. He explained that, no matter what he did, things just didn’t work out in his life, so he suspected some external malevolent influence at work. He wasn’t...
自我破坏背后的秘密原因（以及如何摆脱困境）
许多人并没有充分意识到他们经常进行自我破坏。想想看：你是否曾经差点完成一个重要的项目，却突然失去了完成它的精力和动力？你是否曾经推开过一段充满希望的关系（任何...
Can Immature People Grow Up?
Can immature people grow up? It’s a question clients often ask me. Whether it's an intimate partner, an adult child or a coworker, we might be tired and frustrated with their behavior - yet unwilling or unable to end the relationship. Often, it’s difficult to...
7 Steps To Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Escape from Freedom Many people admire and envy birds. We would love to have that lightness and freedom of movement. Gravity keeps us trapped in our own bodies. But more than that, the feeling of constraint arises when you are afraid to get out of your comfort...
灵感
与自己的情感亲密接触
每一种需要客户合作和情感参与的个人发展方法，都假定客户对自己的情感有充分的认识，工作才能取得成功。在书籍或工作坊中，很少能找到包含不同...
观察感受
At the root of much immature behavior is an urge to avoid unpleasant feelings. Practicing observing our feelings is the foundation of self-improvement - as well as being one of the most natural, simple and actually pleasant exercises of self-awareness. I cannot...
如何实现持久变革
缺乏耐心 有些人只是对自己能够改变缺乏信心。他们觉得自己的问题要么太难，要么太深，或者对已经尝试过的方法感到失望。更常见的情况是，他们倾向于失去动力，如果...
什么是自尊？
自尊到底是什么？它常常以不健康、不成熟的方式出现。因此，人们很容易把自尊等同于傲慢、粗鲁和自我中心。让我们来探讨一下真正健康的自尊意味着什么。我想谈的是远...
真实的自我
Children and mirroring Human beings are capable of wonderful, deep, sophisticated emotions, inspiring and passionate love and joy. However, it is often difficult to stay in touch with these emotions for extended periods of time. Most people live without ever...
保持新年决心的 50 种方法
这将是一篇大象般大小的文章，但请耐心看下去--我希望在文章结束时能给您提供很多有用的想法，让您能够坚持自己的新年决心。每年新年伊始，数百万人（如果不是数十亿人的话）都会列出他们想要改变的事情清单，以便让自己的生活更美好。
你愿意面对痛苦吗？
Avoiding pain means avoiding experience Did you ever keep quiet out of fear rather than standing up for yourself? Do you avoid trying something new in front of others out of fear to look foolish? Do you even avoid expressing love to your family because you fear...
如何保持内心的温暖
Human inner warmth is a fragile thing. Even children who show or ask for emotional warmth are often rejected, ignored or even ridiculed. School, college and business are often brutal environments where people who fight for power are often the loudest and have the most...
寻求接受
Did you ever feel fully seen and accepted - welcomed - just as you are, here and now? Perhaps you'd agree that it's a feeling that rivals falling in love in some ways. Yet, not only few people in this world really have a chance to experience this, but few...
将情感痛苦转化为激情和灵感
身体疼痛是一个信号，表明出了问题。我们的自动反应是尽快减轻疼痛。我们对情绪上的痛苦做出同样的反应也是合情合理的。此外，我们的社区和文化使我们习惯于回避不愉快的情绪，隐藏自己的情绪。
如何在不确定的时期保持韧性：7 种期望和 8 种策略
我的天性是谨慎乐观。和许多人一样，我曾经认为我们的社会基本稳定，许多最严重的暴力事件已经成为过去。我想很多人都有同样的感觉，认为没有必要学习如何复原。即使...
7 Steps To Get Out Of Your Comfort Zone
Escape from Freedom Many people admire and envy birds. We would love to have that lightness and freedom of movement. Gravity keeps us trapped in our own bodies. But more than that, the feeling of constraint arises when you are afraid to get out of your comfort...
Inspiring Women in History (100+)
Some time ago, I found myself near a group of teenagers who were preparing for a biology exam. They were talking about who discovered the structure of DNA. I was pleasantly surprised that, in addition to the Nobel laureates Watson and Crick, they also mentioned...
诚信
如何成为自己的权威
Living our own lives One of the most valuable lessons in human life, in my opinion, is learning to trust yourself and listen to your inner voice, rather than anybody else's. By uncritically accepting anyone else as an authority, we renounce our own responsibility and...
沟通、操纵和权力需求
I have noticed, from time to time, books and workshops that are advertised with bombastic promises such as: 'take control in all communication', 'get people to do things you want them to do', ' develop magnetic attraction' and so on. Everything we do influences other...
真实的自我
Children and mirroring Human beings are capable of wonderful, deep, sophisticated emotions, inspiring and passionate love and joy. However, it is often difficult to stay in touch with these emotions for extended periods of time. Most people live without ever...
Relationship Between Therapist and Client
The road to hell is paved with... The relationship between therapist and client is not just a professional arrangement, but a space where personal responsibility, expectations, and emotional patterns inevitably meet. As a person, family or country becomes less focused...
生物革命
在学习认识童年的情感模式、家庭的情感传统及其后果，以及如何治愈和改变它们的同时，重要的是不要忽视我们日常行为的生物学方面。如果不了解我们...
情感成熟度测试
Most people like tests! This emotional maturity test could give you some interesting insights. Answer each statement with YES, NO or MAYBE / SOMETIMES. Answer spontaneously, without analysing too much. Write down or remember your answers and check your points in the...
情感成熟度测试（第 2 部分）
有评论的要点 1.我的国家毫无希望。我希望移民！YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES：+1解释："是 "表示只关注负面因素，以偏概全，非黑即白，扮演受害者--尤其是如果您生活在欧洲，...
往事与偏见
我们的大脑活在过去 许多人随着年龄的增长，脾气变得越来越暴躁。也许你注意到自己比以前更爱评判和挑剔？也许你觉得年轻的时候人们更友好、更有礼貌，阳光普照...
你太敏感了吗？
情绪 "超敏 "是一个相对的类别，就像各种感官敏感一样。比如，有人能告诉你，你对辣椒 "过于敏感 "吗？人们对声音、气味、味道和情绪的敏感程度各不相同。
我讨厌操纵的 5 个原因
Quite often, when discussing or reading discussions about manipulative marketing and other ways in which individuals cheat other people out of their hard-earned money (or time, or energy, or anything), I see people admiring skillful manipulators. Many will...
我对化学污迹的看法
Some years ago, the idea of chemtrails (conspiracy theory which claims that condensation trails left by airplanes are full of dangerous chemicals deliberately sprayed to damage, manipulate and enslave people) was rather unknown and promoted by only a handful of...
关于精神的杂感
From time to time, I meet people who proudly proclaim that they don’t want to be around anyone who is not “spiritual enough”. Recently that got me thinking: but what does it mean? For some people, it might mean following a certain religion, or any religion. For some,...
艰难的决定
Many times, resolving childish emotions, internal conflicts, and toxic beliefs can make difficult decisions much easier. You might recognize, for example, that your partner is not your child, and it’s not your responsibility to make them happy. Or you might resolve...
谁的情况更糟？男人还是女人？
诚然，这是一个颇具点击率的标题。但文章不会让人失望。如果不出意外的话，我们很容易只注意到自己的问题，而没有注意到其他人所面临的问题，了解这些问题可能会帮助大家更友善地对待彼此。为了...
关于情感成熟的问答
Recently I had an interesting philosophical discussion about what "mature behavior" and "mature emotions" actually are, and according to which (and whose) criteria is emotional maturity defined. Some of the criteria I already wrote about in the article "Emotional...
宗教与部落本能
We often take religion for granted. It makes sense—many people find in it a sense of meaning, comfort, and even security. Yet we rarely reflect on the broader role of religion and why people cling to it so tightly, sometimes killing or dying for it. One of the key...
婚姻：爱还是责任？
大多数人在步入婚姻殿堂时，都满怀 "至死不渝 "的互爱互敬理想，以及幸福、聪明、合作的子女。然而，生活并非如此整洁有序，它常常会给我们带来挑战，仿佛在说："真的吗？好吧，让我们看看......
寻求接受
Did you ever feel fully seen and accepted - welcomed - just as you are, here and now? Perhaps you'd agree that it's a feeling that rivals falling in love in some ways. Yet, not only few people in this world really have a chance to experience this, but few...
为什么需要指责受害者？
Victim blaming is a common psychological defense strategy that can be quite damaging. Temporarily, victim blaming can make us feel slightly safer, but it harms victims and society. Eventually, it could harm you or the people you love. When you read about...
你是一只会飞的猴子吗？
什么是 "飞猴"？ 飞猴 "一词源于《绿野仙踪》一书，书中一群长着翅膀的猴子为邪恶的女巫服务，执行她的破坏性命令。在现实生活中，它指的是一个人被操纵成...
将情感痛苦转化为激情和灵感
身体疼痛是一个信号，表明出了问题。我们的自动反应是尽快减轻疼痛。我们对情绪上的痛苦做出同样的反应也是合情合理的。此外，我们的社区和文化使我们习惯于回避不愉快的情绪，隐藏自己的情绪。
如何正直地生活
你的正直以及你与自己的关系是你唯一可以真正拥有的东西；是你在宇宙中唯一可以拥有的坚实点。如果你损害了它，你就会失去对自己的信任，今后就更难依靠自己了。这意味着
如何真正宽恕并被宽恕？
为什么有时宽恕会如此困难？许多新纪元和自助书籍都说，要想获得内心的平静，我们必须原谅伤害过我们的人。关于如何真正做到这一点，常见的说法是：只要决定原谅！或者他们可能会指导你...
什么是责任，如何明确责任
对我来说，健康的责任感主要是爱的表达。我们希望把事情做好，并带来长期的好结果，因为我们关心相关的人（或动物或地球）。但是，与人类生活和情感中的其他事物一样，...
如何在关心他人想法和自私自利之间找到平衡？
Question: Where is the middle ground between “stop caring about what others think” and “stop being so selfish”? photo by Leio McLaren Answer: Both caring about what other people think and selfishness are parts of our biological makeup, as well as our upbringing. Some...
教练
人格的基本裂痕
In this article I will describe a process that seems to be present to some extent in many families. If you do not recognise yourself in it at all, you probably had very wise parents. In that case, this article can help you to better understand other people’s...
Relationship Between Therapist and Client
The road to hell is paved with... The relationship between therapist and client is not just a professional arrangement, but a space where personal responsibility, expectations, and emotional patterns inevitably meet. As a person, family or country becomes less focused...
“I Don’t Know What I Want!”
Our desires and goals motivate us towards self-fulfillment and increase our enjoyment of life. But not just that - recognizing goals and working on them are important in coaching and psychotherapy. When a person comes to coaching or therapy and says, “I don’t know...
爱情关系中的模式
潜意识与爱 你喜欢爱你的另一半吗？看似矛盾的是，对许多人来说，爱是痛苦而非幸福的源泉。在成年人的关系中，我们的需求、印记和信念的深度和强度都来自于......
疾病心理学
The psychology of disease is still often overlooked in medicine, with most focus going to physical symptoms. But that’s slowly changing—more professionals are starting to recognize how much our thoughts, emotions, and stress levels affect both illness and recovery,...
受虐狂的治疗
Emotional masochism Many people are bonded to suffering in some way. As children, they might have learned that they would be rewarded or comforted if they suffer, or they might have observed suffering people receiving special care and attention. Many children...
为退伍士兵和退伍军人提供治疗
"I wasted my youth and my health fighting for imperial ambitions of greedy psychopaths, all the time believing I was protecting my beloved country." (quote from an ex soldier) War trauma and working with war veterans is not one of my specialties. However, from time to...
为来自健康家庭的客户提供治疗
While more than 90% of people’s emotional problems seem to originate in childhood (or are at least enhanced by early family), from time to time it’s an interesting experience to work with people who come from healthy families. (Some people who claim so might be in...
艰难的决定
Many times, resolving childish emotions, internal conflicts, and toxic beliefs can make difficult decisions much easier. You might recognize, for example, that your partner is not your child, and it’s not your responsibility to make them happy. Or you might resolve...
内部问题和外部解决方案
Even if we are fully aware that most of our overly intense emotions originate in childhood, it can still be very difficult to turn inward in order to resolve them. Instead, we often instinctively search for external solutions. The urge to blame other people and try to...
饮食、压力和焦虑
A danger in any therapy practice is if a therapist only focuses on one aspect of the problem – usually the one (s)he is specialized in. While most emotional issues have at least some psychological components that can be addressed through therapy, it’s important to...
Emotional Logic: 6 Essential Rules
We tend to expect ourselves and others to behave in a sensible, rational manner. Yet under stress, most people behave irrationally. When our emotions are not triggered, it’s easy to see reason. But when something activates our childhood memories, a different set of...
与施虐者和受虐者合作
无论出于什么原因，如果你有兴趣了解有关虐待的话题，我强烈推荐伦迪-班克罗夫特（Lundy Bancroft）所写的《他为什么那样做？这本书对于打破关于虐待和暴力原因的一些常见迷思特别有用--无论......还是......
When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion
前段时间，我在美国与一位女士合作，她有一家私人企业，她非常投入，富有创造力和责任感，而且很有可能取得成功。但是，事情还是在走下坡路，主要是因为她与员工的关系--...
你的职业倦怠是无意识内疚的结果吗？
助人者如何成为助人者 从社会工作者到医疗护士，没有人会无缘无故地将自己的职业生涯奉献给助人事业。好吧，有些江湖骗子利用人们的利益，就像在任何地方一样；有些人只是希望获得一份安全的工作或地位，但是......
情感乱伦
当许多人批评父母缺乏爱的时候，有些父母给孩子的爱似乎太多了--但却是不成熟的、有需要的爱，而不是成熟的父母之爱。整合系统教练认识到了情感乱伦的模式及其后果，...
什么是年龄回归？
Generally about the concept of age regression After all these years of writing about and working with emotions from childhood, it may finally be time to clarify some more the term I use in virtually every other article. 🙂 Generally, the term "age regression" is used...
恐慌症、恐惧症和焦虑症：如何应对？
本文节选自工作手册《化恐惧为勇气》。 恐惧是婴儿最初也是最常见的经历之一。我们的情绪模式会变得更强大、更有影响力、更难以解决，如果它们...
成绩单目标行走
This is a demonstration of the “GoalWalk” method from the 2nd module of Integrative Systemic Coaching. GoalWalk is an approach which uses a client’s imagination to activate subconscious resources and recognize unconscious emotional obstacles to achieving a goal. This...
文字实录与怪物交朋友
导言：这是整合系统教练第三模块中象征、隐喻工作的演示。怪兽在象征性图像中很常见，重要的是我们不要拒绝或摧毁它们，而是要整合它们。在整合过程中，隐喻...
文字稿：澄清
本文摘自整合系统教练培训模块 1 的记录。澄清是我们方法的第一步，相对简单，适合初学者，但仍然相当有效。安娜：在上一个练习中，我感到了一些阻力....。
如何做出更好的决定？
Do you often have problems with making decisions? If you try making up your mind based on conscious information and temporary emotions, your decision making might be limited and confusing (even if we ignore the impact of childhood emotions – which we shouldn't). I...
边缘综合症还是自我仇恨？
如果你不爱自己、不欣赏自己，你可能还没有意识到这一点。也许你已经习惯了不断的内在自我批评，并将其视为正常现象；也许你生活在一种情感空虚和与感情疏离的状态中，主要...
How to Break Free From Trauma Bond
Question: Close to a year ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. However, I still feel a deep connection with my ex. It’s difficult to stop thinking about them and wishing they could change. I read it’s called trauma bond. But why does it persist for...
黑魔法还是童年编程？
In a public talk I gave some years ago, a man from the audience asked if I believed in black magic. He explained that, no matter what he did, things just didn’t work out in his life, so he suspected some external malevolent influence at work. He wasn’t...
自我破坏背后的秘密原因（以及如何摆脱困境）
许多人并没有充分意识到他们经常进行自我破坏。想想看：你是否曾经差点完成一个重要的项目，却突然失去了完成它的精力和动力？你是否曾经推开过一段充满希望的关系（任何...
滥用
如何识别情感勒索？
Emotional blackmail is a form of manipulation. Manipulation, by definition, presumes covert attempt to control others, usually involving twisting facts and using words in ways that might be difficult to distinguish from honest communication. That's why people...
恐惧的礼物（和一些回忆）
“Intuition is always right in at least two important ways: 1. It is always in response to something. 2. It always has your best interest at heart. (...) Our interpretation of intuition is not always right.” Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear This time I want to present...
前车之鉴
最近与一些年轻客户的合作让我想到了自己刚到大城市求学时的情景。如今，我越来越经常地看到那些回忆，就像看到了另一个人，而不是认同年轻时的自己，看到......
您是否觉得被人视作理所当然？虐待与无条件的爱
A common pattern in unhealthy relationships is when (at least) one of the partners takes the other for granted, perhaps being aggressive, manipulative or dismissive – but when the other partner decides to leave, the first suddenly starts acting like an abandoned...
人际关系中的红旗
在恋爱关系中，不相容是相当常见的现象，这意味着有很多潜在的不相容信号，这取决于一个人的价值观和个人特质。然而，有时您可能并不只是与恋爱对象不相容，您可能还有......
你是一只会飞的猴子吗？
什么是 "飞猴"？ 飞猴 "一词源于《绿野仙踪》一书，书中一群长着翅膀的猴子为邪恶的女巫服务，执行她的破坏性命令。在现实生活中，它指的是一个人被操纵成...
与施虐者和受虐者合作
无论出于什么原因，如果你有兴趣了解有关虐待的话题，我强烈推荐伦迪-班克罗夫特（Lundy Bancroft）所写的《他为什么那样做？这本书对于打破关于虐待和暴力原因的一些常见迷思特别有用--无论......还是......
如何挺身而出
Protecting one's own personal boundaries and finding balance with other people, whether family or strangers, and often in subtle ways, are everyday parts of a human life. Testing and pushing on others' boundaries is normal in a relationship of a child to a parent, and...
如何真正宽恕并被宽恕？
为什么有时宽恕会如此困难？许多新纪元和自助书籍都说，要想获得内心的平静，我们必须原谅伤害过我们的人。关于如何真正做到这一点，常见的说法是：只要决定原谅！或者他们可能会指导你...
您是否正在遭受虐待？
摄影：Daniele Levis PelusiDaniele Levis Pelusi 什么是 "正常"？我上大学一年级的时候，我们曾讨论过什么是真正的行为障碍。长话短说，教授的结论是，行为障碍的定义并不是......
好人会成为施虐者吗？
好人怎么会成为施虐者？简而言之：是的，在亲密关系中，原本善良的人有时有可能成为施虐者。我的家人中（至少）有一个这样的人；我曾作为教练与他们中的几个人共事。虽然我不是专门研究虐待的，所以我...
How to Break Free From Trauma Bond
Question: Close to a year ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. However, I still feel a deep connection with my ex. It’s difficult to stop thinking about them and wishing they could change. I read it’s called trauma bond. But why does it persist for...
对无礼者的最佳回击
My core topic is emotional maturity, so it's expected that I'd always advise polite and de-escalating communication—and so I do. However, that kind of communication only works with fundamentally well-meaning people, which is not everybody. Some people love to put...
Narcissism or Selfishness?
Popular psychology is even more popular online, which is why amateur diagnoses are increasingly common: narcissist, psychopath, autistic, and so on (not to mention the various forms of “mental retardation,” which are casually thrown around). Such labeling can...
Vulnerable Narcissism: The Tyranny of the Victim
In my previous article, I wrote that narcissism is a continuum—a spectrum—rather than an "all or nothing" trait. Everyone possesses narcissistic traits; the only difference lies in how pronounced and dominant they are compared to other motivations and character...
Humiliation Rituals
Something strange happens to people when they are part of a group. Even people who, in private, do not want to be cruel can behave very cruelly if they are following the group. One specific form of such cruelty is discussed more and more often in the media:...
社会
生物革命
在学习认识童年的情感模式、家庭的情感传统及其后果，以及如何治愈和改变它们的同时，重要的是不要忽视我们日常行为的生物学方面。如果不了解我们...
我对化学污迹的看法
Some years ago, the idea of chemtrails (conspiracy theory which claims that condensation trails left by airplanes are full of dangerous chemicals deliberately sprayed to damage, manipulate and enslave people) was rather unknown and promoted by only a handful of...
前车之鉴
最近与一些年轻客户的合作让我想到了自己刚到大城市求学时的情景。如今，我越来越经常地看到那些回忆，就像看到了另一个人，而不是认同年轻时的自己，看到......
谁的情况更糟？男人还是女人？
诚然，这是一个颇具点击率的标题。但文章不会让人失望。如果不出意外的话，我们很容易只注意到自己的问题，而没有注意到其他人所面临的问题，了解这些问题可能会帮助大家更友善地对待彼此。为了...
学业和情商：相关还是不相关？
It can be surprising sometimes when obviously intelligent people make mess in their own or other people’s lives with their lack of emotional intelligence, empathy or awareness. It feels natural to expect intelligent people to also be able to understand the complexity...
宗教与部落本能
We often take religion for granted. It makes sense—many people find in it a sense of meaning, comfort, and even security. Yet we rarely reflect on the broader role of religion and why people cling to it so tightly, sometimes killing or dying for it. One of the key...
婚姻：爱还是责任？
大多数人在步入婚姻殿堂时，都满怀 "至死不渝 "的互爱互敬理想，以及幸福、聪明、合作的子女。然而，生活并非如此整洁有序，它常常会给我们带来挑战，仿佛在说："真的吗？好吧，让我们看看......
权力与同情
最近，我越来越感觉到，世界各地议会选举的结果在一定程度上反映了仰慕权力/金钱和拥有权力/金钱的个人的人口比例。对权力的渴望和对拥有权力/金钱的人的钦佩......
为什么需要指责受害者？
Victim blaming is a common psychological defense strategy that can be quite damaging. Temporarily, victim blaming can make us feel slightly safer, but it harms victims and society. Eventually, it could harm you or the people you love. When you read about...
政治正确的精华与糟粕
The good In its essence, the intention of political correctness is compassion and thoughtfulness. Both are very much needed in the world. Waving it off with excuses such as “suck it up” or “my grandfather succeeded in spite of adversity, so you should too”, is at best...
传统的性别角色能否奏效？
根据传统的性别角色，许多人认为男人在外工作赚钱，而女人则扮演母亲和家庭主妇的角色。 在人类历史的大部分时间里，这种情况实际上并不普遍，因为妇女也需要工作来确保自己的生活质量。
为女权主义而战
问题我刚开始一段异地恋（几个月）。我和男朋友最近因为女权主义的问题吵了一架。从那以后，他似乎更加疏远我了。我害怕失去他--他是个很好的人。您能给我一些建议吗？请回答：很多细节都...
如何在不确定的时期保持韧性：7 种期望和 8 种策略
我的天性是谨慎乐观。和许多人一样，我曾经认为我们的社会基本稳定，许多最严重的暴力事件已经成为过去。我想很多人都有同样的感觉，认为没有必要学习如何复原。即使...
How to Win Culture Wars
Introduction Yesterday, I watched a podcast discussing how private equity firms are taking over every part of U.S. society they possibly can, squeezing every cent out of people they can — from veterinary services to firefighters’ vehicles and much, much more. After...
What Are Tribal Instincts?
Photo by Nate Blank on Unsplash In recent years, I’ve been following politics quite a bit (I guess that too comes with age). The more I compare the present with history, the clearer it becomes to me that people aren’t really governed by reason. It’s...
Inspiring Women in History (100+)
Some time ago, I found myself near a group of teenagers who were preparing for a biology exam. They were talking about who discovered the structure of DNA. I was pleasantly surprised that, in addition to the Nobel laureates Watson and Crick, they also mentioned...
Humiliation Rituals
Something strange happens to people when they are part of a group. Even people who, in private, do not want to be cruel can behave very cruelly if they are following the group. One specific form of such cruelty is discussed more and more often in the media:...
科斯扬卡-穆克
I’m an Integrative Systemic Coaching trainer and special education teacher. I taught workshops and gave lectures in 10 countries, and helped hundreds of people in 20+ countries on 5 continents (on- and offline) find solutions for their emotional patterns. I wrote the book “Emotional Maturity In Everyday Life” and a related series of workbooks.
Some people ask me if I do bodywork such as massage too – sadly, the only type of massage I can do is rubbing salt into wounds.
Just kidding. I’m actually very gentle. Most of the time.
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