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SELF-ESTEEM
Self-esteem and Love Relationships
Sometimes people ask me which qualities should one seek in a potential partner. I thought that this question deserved to be answered in more detail so here I present a LONG answer. I will put self-esteem in the first place, since self-esteem influences all...
What is Self-esteem?
What is self-esteem, really? So often, it's presented in unhealthy and immature ways. Based on that, it's easy to equate self-esteem with arrogance, rudeness, and self-centeredness. Let's explore what it means when it's truly healthy. What I want to talk about is far...
Self-esteem and violence
In the beginning, I will quote a text of an author I won't name (because I'm about to criticize them a bit): "People who love themselves, don't try to hurt others" says Oprah Winfrey, the talk-show queen. She must have never heard of Hitler, Stalin, Mao Tse...
自尊与内疚
Have you done mistakes in your past you still regret and cannot forgive yourself? Did you harm other people or your own chances? Do you feel chronic low-level guilt without a good reason? Do you sometimes feel you don't deserve to be happy? Many people sabotage their...
如何克服社交拒绝和尴尬
The instinct to belong Human beings have an instinctive need to be accepted by and feel connected to others. We are singularly unequipped to survive by ourselves, and working together as tribes was essential for our very survival as a species. Through most of human...
Why Do I Act Childish When I Feel Insecure?
from Q&A section Question: If I feel insecure or nervous, I start behaving like a child with my partner. It annoys him, but when I see that he is angry, I fall even more into that childish behavior. I remember that I used to do this before at work too. I don?t...
Am I boring? And what to do about it?
photo credit: Camila Quintero Franco Question: My ex told me I was boring. It hurts, of course. I?m not sure what to think or do about it. I?m not even sure if I really want to change. But, of course, I would like people to find me interesting. I don?t like the...
How To Find Balance Between Caring What Others Think And Selfishness?
Question: Where is the middle ground between ?stop caring about what others think? & ?stop being so selfish?? photo by Leio McLaren Answer: Both caring about what other people think and selfishness are parts of our biological makeup, as well as our upbringing....
How can I stop feeling that no one will ever love me?
Question: I?m lonely and feel unattractive. I have difficulties connecting with people. How can I stop feeling that no one will ever love me? Answer: Did you feel loved as a child? Our expectations of the world are based on our experiences with our...
如何用 10 个步骤战胜失恋
Question: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I?m finding it very hard to move on. I can?t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don?t even know where to start. How to...
单身如何快乐
Many people are not emotionally healthy and mature. It stands to reason that many, if not most, relationships fail (although there are still quite a few healthy and happy relationships around). It might take a long time to learn partnership skills and to find...
The Best Comebacks For Rude People
My core topic is emotional maturity, so it's expected that I'd always advise polite and de-escalating communication?and so I do. However, that kind of communication only works with fundamentally well-meaning people, which is not everybody. Some people love to put...
LOVE AND INTIMACY
Self-esteem and Love Relationships
Sometimes people ask me which qualities should one seek in a potential partner. I thought that this question deserved to be answered in more detail so here I present a LONG answer. I will put self-esteem in the first place, since self-esteem influences all...
在爱中受苦
Unconscious foundations of falling in love Perhaps you are familiar with the idea that we are often romantically attracted to people who remind us of our parents or circumstances from our childhood. Or perhaps this is a completely new idea and difficult to accept?...
Jealousy
Jealousy and possessiveness Jealousy is usually the most childish emotion of all. While experiences of fear, anger, sadness, shame and similar can be appropriate to external reality (although in most cases it's a mixture of realistic and childish, exaggerated...
爱情关系中的模式
Subconscious mind and love Do you enjoy loving your significant other? Seemingly paradoxically, for many people love is a source of pain rather than bliss. There is no other adult relationship in which the depth and strength of our needs, imprints and beliefs from...
Love Lasts 3 Years?
How relationships fail I've once read an article in a paper magazine which half-jokingly stated that "every love relationship lasts 3 years". The idea was that intimacy, passion and infatuation in an average relationship last about 3 years, after which they either...
如何保持激情
The ecstasy we feel when our love is returned is greatly based on the feeling that we are fully accepted, approved of, and free to be who we are. This is what, as children, we needed most from our parents, but rarely received, whether due to parents' lack of...
Prepare For Marriage Or Living Together
If you look around a bit, it seems that in most "stable" relationships partners communicate more through grumbling and sarcasm, than with warmth and respect. These same partners, if somebody years ago suggested that they sit down and make a serious agreement about how...
害怕孤独
It surprises me sometimes, how many people say that fear of being alone makes them stay in unpleasant, unhealthy, even violent relationships. Personally, I like being alone, even if I like a good relationship based on trust far more. Fear of being alone is actually...
Sexual problems
I have written before about psychological background of disease, and sexual problems are often obvious examples of psychosomatic symptoms. If you have done your medical tests and the results didn't show any physical issues that would cause a problem, it is time to...
您是否觉得被人视作理所当然？虐待与无条件的爱
A common pattern in unhealthy relationships is when (at least) one of the partners takes the other for granted, perhaps being aggressive, manipulative or dismissive ? but when the other partner decides to leave, the first suddenly starts acting like an...
Is It OK To Stay In Touch With an Ex?
Sometimes people ask me if it's OK for them or their partner to stay in touch with an ex after starting a new relationship. If you have been reading my posts and articles for a while, you will know that I avoid categorical judgments about "right" and "wrong", except...
人际关系中的红旗
Incompatibility is fairly common in relationships, which means there are plenty of potential red flags of incompatibility depending of one's values and personal traits. However, sometimes you might not simply be incompatible with a love interest, but you might have...
Marriage: Love or Duty?
Most people enter marriage full of ideals of mutual love and respect "until death do us part" and happy, smart and cooperative children. Life, however, is not quite so tidy and organized, so it often faces us with challenges, as if saying, "Really? Well, let's see...
Why Unattractive Women Have Happier Marriages
Many women are worried about their looks. I don?t really have to explain much about it. Sufficient to quote someone from endless online comment sections: ?I?ve never seen a woman who would be truly beautiful without make up.? Personally, I think it?s ridiculous. Many...
依恋类型和障碍以及如何治愈它们
Adult attachment theory includes patterns of emotional attraction (related article: "Patterns in Love Relationships"), as well as immature emotions or age regression ("Emotional Maturity"), joining them into a systematic overview of several most common...
Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)
Biology behind love and attraction A significant number of men encourage each other to believe that women want dominant men who will overpower them and show them their place. It is true that women are somewhat more biologically attracted to confident, even dominant...
Fear of Intimacy
All children (well, all healthy children) crave their parents' attention. "Mom, look at me!", "Dad, let's play!" If such and other expressions of desire for connection are refused in a cold or even aggressive manner, or if emotional connection is...
Values vs. Personal Traits
Most people choose intimate partners, friends and sometimes business associates based on their personal traits, rather than their values. We notice, for example, that a certain person is intelligent, funny, friendly, confident and similar. However, all those traits do...
当伴侣成为父母的替代品时会发生什么？
Trying to change a partner When I work with couples (and individuals, too), in their bitter criticisms of their partners I can often guess what a person wanted to say to their parents, but for whatever reasons couldn't or didn't dare. (Sometimes I can literally...
Affairs: Who, Why, And How To Move On
The paradox of (in)security Deep closeness and understanding in a good lasting relationship is one of the best experiences in life. On the other side, the idea that we can "own" someone's emotions, or that we can control life, is unrealistic and absurd. Yet the...
你的潜意识相信什么是爱？
If you ask yourself what did you learn from your parents about love - from each of them separately, as well as from their relationship - you could come to interesting insights. But our conscious answers are just the top of the iceberg, while most of our emotional...
试图挽回失去的爱情
Feelings from childhood Being left by someone is hard on both our ego and our inner child. Suddenly losing a source of human connection and attention?whether we appreciated it or took it for granted?often triggers childhood memories of loss and abandonment, sometimes...
20+ Essential Lessons About Falling In Love
About half of my clients come to work with me because of problems in love relationships, which means l have heard endless variations of love stories and love games. Most of these variations include people being carried away by childish emotions, ignoring the warning...
10 Key Rules For Communication In A Relationship
Every relationship has its problems and it is not realistic to think we will always have an understanding, agreement and an idyllic relationship with a partner. A relatively common problem is when one person expects that they shouldn't have to express their needs...
My Partner?s Daughter is Jealous of Our Relationship (Emotional Incest)
Question: I am 52 years old, divorced, and recently started a new relationship with a divorced man who has three adult daughters. Since he introduced me to his daughters, the youngest of them has been feeling very insecure. She has started coming over more often,...
Are My Criteria Too High?
Question: I live in a patriarchal, traditional environment. I am 30 years old and have had three short-term relationships so far, none lasting longer than 3 months. It?s clear to me that I fear intimacy, having been hurt and abandoned as a child, with my parents being...
My mother-in-law meddles in my marriage (Emotional Incest)
Question: Recently, I got married, but very quickly problems began with my mother-in-law. She doesn?t allow us privacy?she tries to spend every afternoon with us. She lies to my husband about me and makes up things I haven?t done. My husband even decided to cut short...
How To Start a Difficult Conversation If Afraid Of Conflict?
Photo by: Chris Sabor Question: I feel taken for granted in my relationship. I tried to express my concerns, but nothing changed and it nearly caused an argument. I?m avoiding trying to talk about it again because I don?t want another fight. How can I...
人际关系中的无聊和失去激情
Question: I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for just over a year now, and I feel the loss of passion and infatuation I felt at the beginning. I think, on one hand, this is a normal process. However, I find myself increasingly interested in other...
6 Tips for Long-Distance Relationship Success
Technology is making long-distance relationships easier to start and maintain. On the other hand, relationships can also be negatively influenced by increased expectations of ambition and mobility, i.e. by the likelihood that either of the partners might find a...
Successful Relationships With Asperger?s Syndrome
From Q&A section: Is it possible for people with Asperger?s syndrome to have successful relationships? What are some tips for maintaining a healthy relationship for individuals with Asperger?s syndrome, as well as their partners? Answer: Every person and...
Is it OK to end a relationship if I’m no longer happy?
From Q&A section: Is it justifiable to end a relationship solely because I'm no longer happy, even if my partner has not done anything wrong? Answer: There are plenty of people around who parted on friendly terms and without blame for their exes. Maybe they...
How can I forgive my boyfriend who hurt me in the past?
From Q&A section Answer: Anger/resentment usually has 3 main causes (not mutually exclusive): you feel your well-being is objectively threatened, and anger is a source of energy to protect yourself. If that person is still your boyfriend and not an ex, it might be...
How can you tell if your partner is truly over their past relationship?
photo credit: Negar Nikkhah from Q&A section Question: How can you tell if your partner is truly over their past relationship or if they are hiding their feelings to spare your feelings? Answer: they show genuine enthusiasm about being with you (not just verbally,...
My partner doesn?t want to change. Is it a red flag?
Question: My partner doesn't want to change the things that bother me in their behavior. Is it a red flag? Does it mean I should end the relationship? Answer: It depends on what you want them to change. If you?d like them to change something small and superficial that...
Green Flags In Dating: How To Recognize a Healthy Relationship?
Question: What are some green flags in dating and relationships? How can I know if my new relationship will be healthy? Answer: You might want to read the article Red Flags in Relationships and make sure everything is the other way around. Jokes aside, the essential...
How To Give Advice To Your Partner Without Arguing
photo by: frame harirak This article was inspired by a common question: ?Is it appropriate to give your partner advice about what you?d like them to change?? Let?s explore how to give advice without making your partner upset: Communicating Boundaries and...
Fighting about feminism
Question: I'm in a new, long-distance relationship (a few months). My boyfriend and I were recently fighting about feminism. Since then, he seems more distant. I'm afraid of losing him - he is a great guy. Can you give me some advice? Answer: Plenty of details are...
如何用 10 个步骤战胜失恋
Question: I recently went through an unexpected breakup, and I?m finding it very hard to move on. I can?t stop thinking about my ex, and it feels like nothing makes sense without them. I know I need to heal, but I don?t even know where to start. How to...
COMMUNICATION
Setting Boundaries
Ideals and traditions Many writers suggest ideal behaviors which people should strive to develop. Many people want to live up to spiritual ideals such as helping others, kindness, generosity and sharing. They often forget, however, that most people...
Communication, Manipulation and Need for Power
I have noticed, from time to time, books and workshops that are advertised with bombastic promises such as: 'take control in all communication', 'get people to do things you want them to do', ' develop magnetic attraction' and so on.Everything we do influences other...
非语言和微妙的交流
The more we work on noticing details of our communications with others, the more we start to notice how much we usually miss. There are so many messages the person we talk to will send through very small nonverbal signals, the tone of their voice or their...
How To Recognize Emotional Blackmail?
Manipulation by definition presumes covert attempt to control others, usually involving twisting facts and using words in ways that might be difficult to distinguish from honest communication. That's why people are often confused whether they might...
Parenthood, Control and Guilt
The need to control Some of the tasks of responsible parents are to teach, direct, support and, in some situations, control their children. But if a person gets stuck in this role and applies this attitude to adults around them, they will create stress and...
5 Reasons Why I Hate Manipulation
Quite often, when discussing or reading discussions about manipulative marketing and other ways in which individuals cheat other people out of their hard-earned money (or time, or energy, or anything), I see people admiring skillful manipulators. Many will describe...
Are You Critical Of Others?
Criticism can have different causes, but one often overlooked is fear. Is it difficult for you to set boundaries? Do you have trouble saying ?No?, or do you avoid conflicts? If you doubt your ability to defend yourself, you might expect people to know in advance where...
Communication Styles: Directing And Informing
Among many other details when it comes to relationships and communication, it?s useful to be aware of the difference between two basic ways to express a wish or a request: directing and informing. Directing style expresses a wish, a request or a demand directly: ?Shut...
How To Stand Up For Yourself
Protecting one's own personal boundaries and finding balance with other people, whether family or strangers, and often in subtle ways, are everyday parts of a human life. Testing and pushing on others' boundaries is normal in a relationship of a child to a parent, and...
如何克服社交拒绝和尴尬
The instinct to belong Human beings have an instinctive need to be accepted by and feel connected to others. We are singularly unequipped to survive by ourselves, and working together as tribes was essential for our very survival as a species. Through most of human...
10 Key Rules For Communication In A Relationship
Every relationship has its problems and it is not realistic to think we will always have an understanding, agreement and an idyllic relationship with a partner. A relatively common problem is when one person expects that they shouldn't have to express their needs...
How To Resist Manipulation
Why do we fall for manipulation It can be difficult to resist manipulation if we believe our strong emotions are realistic. Most people seem to believe that the more intense their emotion, the more realistic it is. But the reality is often quite the opposite (except...
?You are ?!? Unveiling the Dark Sides of Praise
Author: Christian Rook Art: Philippe Ramette Imagine a shopfloor where the teamleader only praises the operators who consistently deliver good work while overlooking the effort and improvement of those who are struggling. This neglect of genuine recognition can...
“Why Don’t People Like Me?” Overcome Loneliness
Introduction The Internet and modern technologies are often blamed for the modern "epidemic of loneliness". Although they certainly contribute, the trend of separation and loneliness existed even before them, wherever people had the material conditions for a separate...
Why Do I Act Childish When I Feel Insecure?
from Q&A section Question: If I feel insecure or nervous, I start behaving like a child with my partner. It annoys him, but when I see that he is angry, I fall even more into that childish behavior. I remember that I used to do this before at work too. I don?t...
How To Start a Difficult Conversation If Afraid Of Conflict?
Photo by: Chris Sabor Question: I feel taken for granted in my relationship. I tried to express my concerns, but nothing changed and it nearly caused an argument. I?m avoiding trying to talk about it again because I don?t want another fight. How can I...
How to communicate with your spouse when they are upset with you?
Question: How to communicate with my wife when she's angry with me? No matter what I say, it seems to make things worse. Answer: Most importantly: first validate and understand. Only after that, explain your point of view. It?s a normal human need (even if a bit...
Am I boring? And what to do about it?
photo credit: Camila Quintero Franco Question: My ex told me I was boring. It hurts, of course. I?m not sure what to think or do about it. I?m not even sure if I really want to change. But, of course, I would like people to find me interesting. I don?t like the...
How To Give Advice To Your Partner Without Arguing
photo by: frame harirak This article was inspired by a common question: ?Is it appropriate to give your partner advice about what you?d like them to change?? Let?s explore how to give advice without making your partner upset: Communicating Boundaries and...
How to Use Validation While Being Criticized: An Essential Communication Skill
How does validation work? It is an universal human need for our emotions to be understood, accepted and empathized with ? that?s called validation. The old saying ?pain shared is half felt? did not become popular by chance. We don?t even necessarily need to be...
Fighting about feminism
Question: I'm in a new, long-distance relationship (a few months). My boyfriend and I were recently fighting about feminism. Since then, he seems more distant. I'm afraid of losing him - he is a great guy. Can you give me some advice? Answer: Plenty of details are...
How To Stop Being a Control Freak?
Question: How to stop being a control freak? I want to stop trying to control everything and micromanage others, but I don't know where to start. I feel anxious when things aren't exactly as I think they should be. It stresses me out and causes me to...
The Best Comebacks For Rude People
My core topic is emotional maturity, so it's expected that I'd always advise polite and de-escalating communication?and so I do. However, that kind of communication only works with fundamentally well-meaning people, which is not everybody. Some people love to put...
Displaced Aggression
Displaced aggression is a term that describes venting aggression on people or objects that are not the source of frustration but are safer targets. In large cities, for instance, it?s not uncommon to encounter strangers who aggressively criticize you for a minor,...
EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND WELL-BEING
与自己的情感亲密接触
Every method of personal development that requires clients' cooperation and emotional involvement, assumes that the clients will have adequate awareness of their emotions for the work to be successful. It's unusual to find books or workshops that include a different...
观察感受
At the root of much immature behavior is an urge to avoid unpleasant feelings. Practicing observing our feelings is the foundation of self-improvement - as well as being one of the most natural, simple and actually...
Emotional Maturity
Not many people ever think of the term 'emotional maturity,' and yet it's just as important as intellectual or physical maturity. I once read that many people stop emotionally maturing at the end of adolescence, while other authors claim emotional maturity most often...
Healthy Family Relationships
Although most people understand, or at least feel intuitively what is appropriate and what isn't in family relationships, in most families there are still quite a lot of unhealthy patterns and a huge load of imposed guilt. Those patterns hinder many people from acting...
How to Relax and Reduce Stress
Long-term stress can have several main causes: Being overburdened with obligations and tasks; Toxic habits; Habitual way of thinking and emotional functioning; Difficult external situation. When a person is under stress for a long time, tension becomes an automatic...
Jealousy
Jealousy and possessiveness Jealousy is usually the most childish emotion of all. While experiences of fear, anger, sadness, shame and similar can be appropriate to external reality (although in most cases it's a mixture of realistic and childish, exaggerated...
Self-esteem and violence
In the beginning, I will quote a text of an author I won't name (because I'm about to criticize them a bit): "People who love themselves, don't try to hurt others" says Oprah Winfrey, the talk-show queen. She must have never heard of Hitler, Stalin, Mao Tse...
爱情关系中的模式
Subconscious mind and love Do you enjoy loving your significant other? Seemingly paradoxically, for many people love is a source of pain rather than bliss. There is no other adult relationship in which the depth and strength of our needs, imprints and beliefs from...
害怕孤独
It surprises me sometimes, how many people say that fear of being alone makes them stay in unpleasant, unhealthy, even violent relationships. Personally, I like being alone, even if I like a good relationship based on trust far more. Fear of being alone is actually...
Psychology of Disease
"Official" medicine acknowledges more and more often that psychological processes influence certain diseases, as well as recovery from a disease. Stress is most often mentioned as the main cause of chronic psychosomatic...
Emotional Maturity Test
Most people like tests! Test your emotional maturity with these 35 statements. Answer each statement with YES, NO or MAYBE / SOMETIMES. Answer spontaneously, without analysing too much. Write down or remember your answers and check your points in the next page....
Emotional Maturity Test (part 2)
Points with comments 1. My country is hopeless. I wish to emigrate!YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1Explanation: "Yes" indicates focusing on the negative, generalizing, black and white thinking, playing the victim - especially if you live in Europe,...
11 Tips To Change Toxic Habits
How many times did you make such a decision: starting tomorrow, I will quit smoking, biting my nails, overeating, drinking coffee... or: I will start exercising, watch less television, be more organized... Typically, such decisions appear easy to put into...
你太敏感了吗？
Emotional "hypersensitivity" is a relative category, just like various types of sensory sensitivities. Can somebody tell you that you are "overly sensitive" to chili, for example? People are differently sensitive to sounds, smells, tastes - and emotions as...
Treatment of Masochism
Emotional masochism Many people are bonded to suffering in some way. As children, they might have learned that they would be rewarded or comforted if they suffer, or they might have observed suffering people receiving special care and...
The Gift of Fear (And Some Memories)
?Intuition is always right in at least two important ways:1. It is always in response to something.2. It always has your best interest at heart.(...) Our interpretation of intuition is not always right.?Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear This time I want to...
Diet, Stress And Anxiety
A danger in any therapy practice is if a therapist only focuses on one aspect of the problem ? usually the one (s)he is specialized in. While most emotional issues have at least some psychological components that can be addressed through therapy, it?s important to...
Questions and Answers About Emotional Maturity
Recently I had an interesting philosophical discussion about what "mature behavior" and "mature emotions" actually are, and according to which (and whose) criteria are they defined. Some of the criteria I already wrote about in the article "Emotional...
情感逻辑
A quote from a client I was working with recently: "I don't value myself, so if a girl falls in love with me, I automatically respect her less." Let that sink in for a moment. Practically a whole novel is contained in this one sentence (as well as some admirable...
How To Sustain Your Inner Warmth
Human warmth is a fragile thing. Even children who show or ask for emotional warmth are often rejected, ignored or even ridiculed. School, college and business are often brutal environments where people who fight for power are often the loudest and have the...
Turn Emotional Pain Into Passion And Inspiration
Physical pain is a signal that something is wrong. Our automatic reaction is to reduce it as soon as possible. It makes sense that we react in the same way to emotional pain. Besides, we are conditioned by our communities and culture to avoid unpleasant emotions, hide...
When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion
Some time ago, I was working with a woman in USA who has a private business in which she is very engaged, creative and responsible, and potentially very successful. Still, things were going downhill, primarily because of her relationships with her employees -...
Is Your Burnout the Result of Unconscious Guilt?
How helpers become helpers From social workers to medical nurses, nobody dedicates their career to helping people without a reason. OK, there are some charlatans who exploit people, like everywhere; there are some people who just hope for a safe job or status, but...
如何真正宽恕并被宽恕？
Why is it sometimes so difficult to forgive? Many New Age and self-help books say that, to achieve inner peace, we have to forgive people who hurt us. A common message about how to actually do it is something like: just decide to forgive! Or they might instruct you...
如何克服犯错恐惧
Mistakes are the best way to learn Many parents instill a fear of making mistakes in their children. Yet, mistakes are not only normal but necessary. Not only are they necessary, they can even be desirable. Why desirable? Because they are the best and the fastest way...
When People Fear Their Own Emotions
Awareness of and connection with our emotions can bring us many wonderful benefits: inner peace, support and friendship with ourselves, wealth of inner life, self-esteem, resistance to stress, creativity, understanding of ourselves and others, calm and adult...
What Is Age Regression?
Generally about the concept of age regression After all these years of writing about and working with emotions from childhood, it may finally be time to clarify some more the term I use in virtually every other article. ? Generally, the term "age regression" is used...
Feeling Not Good Enough: How To Recognize And Heal It In Its Roots
Signs of an inferiority complex Feeling not good enough is one of the most fundamental, by far the most common feelings most people carry from their childhood. Many people are not aware they carry it within, because this feeling can manifest itself very subtly and is...
Panic Attacks, Phobia And Anxiety: How To Deal With Them
This article contains some excerpts from the workbook "Turn Your Fear Into Courage". Fear is one of the first and the most common experiences of a baby. Our emotional patterns are stronger, more influential and more difficult to resolve if they are...
The easiest way to enjoy your life
Photo by Vika Strawberrika on Unsplash Most of us are conditioned in more ways than one to feel less satisfaction than we could. Evolution has largely shaped us to focus on looking for and noticing danger, even when we're doing well. Not only that, but as soon as we...
“Why Don’t People Like Me?” Overcome Loneliness
Introduction The Internet and modern technologies are often blamed for the modern "epidemic of loneliness". Although they certainly contribute, the trend of separation and loneliness existed even before them, wherever people had the material conditions for a separate...
如何做出更好的决定？
Do you often have problems with making decisions? If you try making up your mind based on conscious information and temporary emotions, your decision making might be limited and confusing (even if we ignore the impact of childhood emotions ? which we shouldn't). I...
Borderline Syndrome Or Self Hatred?
If you don't love and appreciate yourself, you may not be aware of it enough. Perhaps you are used to constant internal self-criticism and perceive it as normal, or perhaps you live in a kind of emotional emptiness and detachment from feelings, functioning mainly...
Borderline Syndrome: Inability To Suppress Emotions From Childhood?
Quick disclaimer: I'm neither a psychiatrist nor a neurologist, but I am a psychologist and the more I read about borderline personality disorder (BPD) the more I feel the need to write my thoughts down in some coherent order. Don't take them as conclusions, but as an...
How To Find Balance Between Caring What Others Think And Selfishness?
Question: Where is the middle ground between ?stop caring about what others think? & ?stop being so selfish?? photo by Leio McLaren Answer: Both caring about what other people think and selfishness are parts of our biological makeup, as well as our upbringing....
How can I stop feeling that no one will ever love me?
Question: I?m lonely and feel unattractive. I have difficulties connecting with people. How can I stop feeling that no one will ever love me? Answer: Did you feel loved as a child? Our expectations of the world are based on our experiences with our...
单身如何快乐
Many people are not emotionally healthy and mature. It stands to reason that many, if not most, relationships fail (although there are still quite a few healthy and happy relationships around). It might take a long time to learn partnership skills and to find...
Black Magic or Childhood Programming?
In a public talk I gave some years ago, a man from the audience asked if I believed in black magic. He explained that, no matter what he did, things just didn?t work out in his life, so he suspected some external malevolent influence at work. He wasn?t...
The Secret Reasons Behind Self-Sabotage (And How To Break Free)
Many people are not fully aware of how often they engage in self-sabotage. Consider: have you ever nearly completed an important project, only to suddenly lose the energy and drive to finish it? Have you ever pushed away a promising relationship (of any...
FAMILY AND CHILDREN
The Basic Fissure in a Personality
In this article I will describe a process that seems to be present to some extent in many families. If you do not recognise yourself in it at all, you probably had very wise parents. In that case, this article can help you to better understand other people?s...
Healthy Family Relationships
Although most people understand, or at least feel intuitively what is appropriate and what isn't in family relationships, in most families there are still quite a lot of unhealthy patterns and a huge load of imposed guilt. Those patterns hinder many people from acting...
性话题
Do I have your attention? ? A society which oppresses women digs its own hole, since women are the ones who primarily raise its children. An unhappy woman with no self-esteem can't teach her children to be happy and loving. Then the society as a...
Children and Money – Setting Boundaries
Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash Children who have not yet become familiar with the way money works (but also those who have) have endless requests and wishes. Just as they wish to see, touch and experience everything they see in their surroundings, objects...
儿童需要挑战
What stimulates resourcefulness? In our work, we often notice that people from problematic, chaotic families quite often develop important life resources very early in life: for example intelligence (in order to understand confusing situations and to find a way...
Are You Ready To Have a Child?
In pre-history, bearing children was essential for humanity to survive. Nowadays, it appears that survival of humanity (and many other species) depends of how well can we keep our biological impulses in line. That includes urges for power, hoarding, social status,...
Parenthood, Control and Guilt
The need to control Some of the tasks of responsible parents are to teach, direct, support and, in some situations, control their children. But if a person gets stuck in this role and applies this attitude to adults around them, they will create stress and...
Therapy With Clients From Healthy Families
While more than 90% of people?s emotional problems seem to originate in childhood (or are at least enhanced by early family), from time to time it?s an interesting experience to work with people who come from healthy, caring and quite mature families. (Some people who...
如何教孩子运用直觉
What is intuition? For clarity, when I talk about intuition I don't mean some esoteric sixth sense, or being carried away by random mental images or temporary emotions. My definition of intuition is a subtle feeling of knowledge which is the result of subconscious...
Emotional Incest
While many people criticize their parents' lack of love, some parents give their children seemingly too much love - but immature and needy rather than mature parental love. Integrative Systemic Coaching recognizes the pattern of emotional incest and its consequences,...
How To Teach Children Moral Values Without Annoying Them Too Much
Most of us want an ethical and happy society around us, so we want our children to be kind and constructive members of the society, too. On the other hand, it seems many parents expect their kids to develop morals spontaneously, without investing too much time into...
Death Of A Family Member
In this bittersweet life, not only must we all face our own mortality, but sooner or later, we also experience the death of a family member or someone else we love. Whether the death is unexpected or anticipated, it is always a profound shock. Despite any logical...
?You are ?!? Unveiling the Dark Sides of Praise
Author: Christian Rook Art: Philippe Ramette Imagine a shopfloor where the teamleader only praises the operators who consistently deliver good work while overlooking the effort and improvement of those who are struggling. This neglect of genuine recognition can...
My Partner?s Daughter is Jealous of Our Relationship (Emotional Incest)
Question: I am 52 years old, divorced, and recently started a new relationship with a divorced man who has three adult daughters. Since he introduced me to his daughters, the youngest of them has been feeling very insecure. She has started coming over more often,...
I don’t like my son’s girlfriend, what can I do?
Question: I don?t like my son?s girlfriend, what can I do? Answer: You haven?t described the situation in detail, but we assume two basic scenarios: 1) either your son has gotten into a relationship with a truly destructive and unhealthy person, or 2) you might be...
Can Traditional Gender Roles Work?
By traditional gender roles, many people presume that the man works outside the home to earn money, while the woman takes on the roles of mother and housewife. (Throughout most of human history, this wasn't actually the norm, as women also had to work to ensure...
What If i don’t like being a parent?
Question: My child is 9 months old, and I'm realizing (perhaps too late) that I don't like being a parent. No part of taking care of my daughter appeals to me. I try to play with her, but if I don't get a response, I give up. I feel like I'm not cut out...
15 Tips on How to Discipline a Child Without Hitting and Yelling
Misconceptions about discipline Based on online discussions on parenting, a significant number of people still seem to believe that to discipline a child without hitting and yelling means not to discipline them at all. It appears that they think "no...
PERSONAL GROWTH
How To Be Your Own Authority
This is the first article I wrote for my first web-site, back in 2005, and still one of my favorites. In my late teens and early twenties, I spent a few years idealistically exploring New Age methods and communities. I met some very nice, smart and responsible...
Emotional Maturity
Not many people ever think of the term 'emotional maturity,' and yet it's just as important as intellectual or physical maturity. I once read that many people stop emotionally maturing at the end of adolescence, while other authors claim emotional maturity most often...
Quantum Leap In Consciousness
A quote attributed to Einstein says that we cannot resolve a problem at the same level of thinking we used when creating it. This is especially true regarding emotional problems and life situations. Often we find ourselves within a disappointing circle of...
How To Achieve a Lasting Change
Lack of patience Some people just lack confidence that they can change. They feel that their problems are either too difficult or too deep, or they are disappointed with the approaches they already tried. Even more often, they are inclined to lose motivation if a...
如何保持自我提升的动力
Insufficient intensity and continuity of personal development work are common reasons why many people feel that their efforts do not produce results. At the first glance, this might look like a simple problem and that the solution is just some more will power (or the...
Past and Prejudice
Our brains live in the past Many people become grumpier and grumpier as they age. Perhaps you notice that you are more judgmental and critical than you used to be? Perhaps you feel that people were nicer and more polite when you were younger, that the sun shone...
11 Tips To Change Toxic Habits
How many times did you make such a decision: starting tomorrow, I will quit smoking, biting my nails, overeating, drinking coffee... or: I will start exercising, watch less television, be more organized... Typically, such decisions appear easy to put into...
Stray Thoughts About Spirituality
From time to time, I meet people who proudly proclaim that they don?t want to be around anyone who is not ?spiritual enough?. Recently that got me thinking: but what does it mean? For some people, it might mean following a certain religion, or any religion. For...
Are You Critical Of Others?
Criticism can have different causes, but one often overlooked is fear. Is it difficult for you to set boundaries? Do you have trouble saying ?No?, or do you avoid conflicts? If you doubt your ability to defend yourself, you might expect people to know in advance where...
Internal Issues And External Solutions
Even when we are well aware that our strong emotions might be awakened memories from childhood, we might still find it very difficult to focus inwards to resolve those emotions. The urge to blame people around us and seek to change or control them can be overpowering....
依恋类型和障碍以及如何治愈它们
Adult attachment theory includes patterns of emotional attraction (related article: "Patterns in Love Relationships"), as well as immature emotions or age regression ("Emotional Maturity"), joining them into a systematic overview of several most common...
保持新年决心的 50 种方法
This will be an elephant-sized post, but bear with me - I hope to give you plenty of useful ideas to keep your New Year resolutions by the end of it. At the start of every year, millions if not billions of people make lists of things they want to change so that their...
你愿意面对痛苦吗？
Avoiding pain means avoiding experience Did you ever keep quiet out of fear rather than standing up for yourself? Do you avoid trying something new in front of others out of fear to look foolish? Do you even avoid expressing love to your family because you fear...
In Search of Acceptance
Did you ever feel fully seen and accepted - welcomed - just as you are, here and now? Perhaps you'd agree that it's a feeling that rivals falling in love in some ways. Yet, not only few people in this world really have a chance to experience this, but few people even...
Turn Emotional Pain Into Passion And Inspiration
Physical pain is a signal that something is wrong. Our automatic reaction is to reduce it as soon as possible. It makes sense that we react in the same way to emotional pain. Besides, we are conditioned by our communities and culture to avoid unpleasant emotions, hide...
How your family drives your business
... even when you are not aware of it Some time back, I was working with a small business owner who employed 7-8 people. On the outside, she had everything she needed to succeed: she was driven, innovative, genuinely cared about her customers, and offered services...
Why Do I Act Childish When I Feel Insecure?
from Q&A section Question: If I feel insecure or nervous, I start behaving like a child with my partner. It annoys him, but when I see that he is angry, I fall even more into that childish behavior. I remember that I used to do this before at work too. I don?t...
How to break Free from Trauma Bond
Question: Close to a year ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. However, I still feel a deep connection with my ex. It?s difficult to stop thinking about them and wishing they could change. I read it?s called trauma bond. But why does it persist for...
How To Stop Being a Control Freak?
Question: How to stop being a control freak? I want to stop trying to control everything and micromanage others, but I don't know where to start. I feel anxious when things aren't exactly as I think they should be. It stresses me out and causes me to...
单身如何快乐
Many people are not emotionally healthy and mature. It stands to reason that many, if not most, relationships fail (although there are still quite a few healthy and happy relationships around). It might take a long time to learn partnership skills and to find...
Black Magic or Childhood Programming?
In a public talk I gave some years ago, a man from the audience asked if I believed in black magic. He explained that, no matter what he did, things just didn?t work out in his life, so he suspected some external malevolent influence at work. He wasn?t...
The Secret Reasons Behind Self-Sabotage (And How To Break Free)
Many people are not fully aware of how often they engage in self-sabotage. Consider: have you ever nearly completed an important project, only to suddenly lose the energy and drive to finish it? Have you ever pushed away a promising relationship (of any...
INSPIRATION
与自己的情感亲密接触
Every method of personal development that requires clients' cooperation and emotional involvement, assumes that the clients will have adequate awareness of their emotions for the work to be successful. It's unusual to find books or workshops that include a different...
观察感受
At the root of much immature behavior is an urge to avoid unpleasant feelings. Practicing observing our feelings is the foundation of self-improvement - as well as being one of the most natural, simple and actually...
How To Achieve a Lasting Change
Lack of patience Some people just lack confidence that they can change. They feel that their problems are either too difficult or too deep, or they are disappointed with the approaches they already tried. Even more often, they are inclined to lose motivation if a...
What is Self-esteem?
What is self-esteem, really? So often, it's presented in unhealthy and immature ways. Based on that, it's easy to equate self-esteem with arrogance, rudeness, and self-centeredness. Let's explore what it means when it's truly healthy. What I want to talk about is far...
Your True Self
Children and mirroring Human beings are capable of wonderful, deep, sophisticated emotions, inspiring and passionate love and joy. However, it is often difficult to stay in touch with these emotions for extended periods of time. Small children experience reflections...
保持新年决心的 50 种方法
This will be an elephant-sized post, but bear with me - I hope to give you plenty of useful ideas to keep your New Year resolutions by the end of it. At the start of every year, millions if not billions of people make lists of things they want to change so that their...
你愿意面对痛苦吗？
Avoiding pain means avoiding experience Did you ever keep quiet out of fear rather than standing up for yourself? Do you avoid trying something new in front of others out of fear to look foolish? Do you even avoid expressing love to your family because you fear...
How To Sustain Your Inner Warmth
Human warmth is a fragile thing. Even children who show or ask for emotional warmth are often rejected, ignored or even ridiculed. School, college and business are often brutal environments where people who fight for power are often the loudest and have the...
In Search of Acceptance
Did you ever feel fully seen and accepted - welcomed - just as you are, here and now? Perhaps you'd agree that it's a feeling that rivals falling in love in some ways. Yet, not only few people in this world really have a chance to experience this, but few people even...
Turn Emotional Pain Into Passion And Inspiration
Physical pain is a signal that something is wrong. Our automatic reaction is to reduce it as soon as possible. It makes sense that we react in the same way to emotional pain. Besides, we are conditioned by our communities and culture to avoid unpleasant emotions, hide...
How to be Resilient in Uncertain Times: 7 expectations and 8 strategies
My nature is cautiously optimistic. Like many people, I used to believe that our society was mostly stable and that much of the worst violence was a thing of the past. I imagine many people felt the same and saw no need to learn how to be resilient. Even when...
INTEGRITY
How To Be Your Own Authority
This is the first article I wrote for my first web-site, back in 2005, and still one of my favorites. In my late teens and early twenties, I spent a few years idealistically exploring New Age methods and communities. I met some very nice, smart and responsible...
Communication, Manipulation and Need for Power
I have noticed, from time to time, books and workshops that are advertised with bombastic promises such as: 'take control in all communication', 'get people to do things you want them to do', ' develop magnetic attraction' and so on.Everything we do influences other...
Your True Self
Children and mirroring Human beings are capable of wonderful, deep, sophisticated emotions, inspiring and passionate love and joy. However, it is often difficult to stay in touch with these emotions for extended periods of time. Small children experience reflections...
Relationship Between a Therapist and a Client
The road to hell is paved with... As a person, family or country becomes less focused on mere physical survival, the awareness of the importance of emotional health, relationships and spirituality becomes stronger. Ever more people are looking for help and...
Biological Revolution
While learning to recognize emotional patterns from childhood, emotional traditions of our family and their consequences, and how to heal and change them, it's important not to ignore biological aspects of our everyday behaviour. Without awareness of what our...
Emotional Maturity Test
Most people like tests! Test your emotional maturity with these 35 statements. Answer each statement with YES, NO or MAYBE / SOMETIMES. Answer spontaneously, without analysing too much. Write down or remember your answers and check your points in the next page....
Emotional Maturity Test (part 2)
Points with comments 1. My country is hopeless. I wish to emigrate!YES: +2, NO: 0, MAYBE/SOMETIMES: +1Explanation: "Yes" indicates focusing on the negative, generalizing, black and white thinking, playing the victim - especially if you live in Europe,...
Past and Prejudice
Our brains live in the past Many people become grumpier and grumpier as they age. Perhaps you notice that you are more judgmental and critical than you used to be? Perhaps you feel that people were nicer and more polite when you were younger, that the sun shone...
你太敏感了吗？
Emotional "hypersensitivity" is a relative category, just like various types of sensory sensitivities. Can somebody tell you that you are "overly sensitive" to chili, for example? People are differently sensitive to sounds, smells, tastes - and emotions as...
5 Reasons Why I Hate Manipulation
Quite often, when discussing or reading discussions about manipulative marketing and other ways in which individuals cheat other people out of their hard-earned money (or time, or energy, or anything), I see people admiring skillful manipulators. Many will describe...
My 2 Cents About Chemtrails
Some years ago, the idea of chemtrails (conspiracy theory which claims that condensation trails left by airplanes are full of dangerous chemicals deliberately sprayed to damage, manipulate and enslave people) was rather unknown and promoted by only a handful of...
Stray Thoughts About Spirituality
From time to time, I meet people who proudly proclaim that they don?t want to be around anyone who is not ?spiritual enough?. Recently that got me thinking: but what does it mean? For some people, it might mean following a certain religion, or any religion. For...
艰难的决定
Many times, resolving childish emotions, internal conflicts, and toxic beliefs can make difficult decisions much easier. You might recognize, for example, that your partner is not your child, and it?s not your responsibility to make them happy. Or you might resolve...
Who Has It Worse: Men Or Women?
This is, admittedly, a rather clickbaity title. But the article won't disappoint. If nothing else, it's easy to be aware of our own problems and not notice things other people face, and learning about them might help everybody be kinder to each other. For the purpose...
Questions and Answers About Emotional Maturity
Recently I had an interesting philosophical discussion about what "mature behavior" and "mature emotions" actually are, and according to which (and whose) criteria are they defined. Some of the criteria I already wrote about in the article "Emotional...
Religion and Tribal Instincts
Some time last autumn, I was chatting with an acquaintance about toxic beliefs from childhood. He said he was surprised that many people avoid changing such beliefs, sometimes finding excuses, sometimes even reacting with hostility if they disagree with others?...
Marriage: Love or Duty?
Most people enter marriage full of ideals of mutual love and respect "until death do us part" and happy, smart and cooperative children. Life, however, is not quite so tidy and organized, so it often faces us with challenges, as if saying, "Really? Well, let's see...
In Search of Acceptance
Did you ever feel fully seen and accepted - welcomed - just as you are, here and now? Perhaps you'd agree that it's a feeling that rivals falling in love in some ways. Yet, not only few people in this world really have a chance to experience this, but few people even...
Why the Need for Victim Blaming?
When you read about people in trouble, or victims of violence or political circumstances... do you mentally find reasons why such things wouldn't happen to you? "I'd do differently in such a situation...", "In her place, I'd try to escape...", "That's just how...
Are You a Flying Monkey? (And How To Avoid Being One)
What is "a flying monkey"? The expression "flying monkey" originates from the book "The Wizard of Oz", in which a group of winged monkeys serves an evil witch and executes her destructive commands. In real life, it describes a person who was manipulated into...
Turn Emotional Pain Into Passion And Inspiration
Physical pain is a signal that something is wrong. Our automatic reaction is to reduce it as soon as possible. It makes sense that we react in the same way to emotional pain. Besides, we are conditioned by our communities and culture to avoid unpleasant emotions, hide...
如何正直地生活
Your integrity and your relationship with yourself are the only things you can truly own; the only firm point in universe you can have. If you compromise it, you lose trust in yourself and in future it will be more difficult to rely on yourself. That means...
如何真正宽恕并被宽恕？
Why is it sometimes so difficult to forgive? Many New Age and self-help books say that, to achieve inner peace, we have to forgive people who hurt us. A common message about how to actually do it is something like: just decide to forgive! Or they might instruct you...
What Is Responsibility And How To Clarify It
For me, healthy responsibility is primarily an expression of love. We want to do things well and with long-term good consequences because we care about the person or people in question (or animals or the planet). But, like everything else in human lives and emotions,...
How To Find Balance Between Caring What Others Think And Selfishness?
Question: Where is the middle ground between ?stop caring about what others think? & ?stop being so selfish?? photo by Leio McLaren Answer: Both caring about what other people think and selfishness are parts of our biological makeup, as well as our upbringing....
COACHING
The Basic Fissure in a Personality
In this article I will describe a process that seems to be present to some extent in many families. If you do not recognise yourself in it at all, you probably had very wise parents. In that case, this article can help you to better understand other people?s...
Relationship Between a Therapist and a Client
The road to hell is paved with... As a person, family or country becomes less focused on mere physical survival, the awareness of the importance of emotional health, relationships and spirituality becomes stronger. Ever more people are looking for help and...
“I Don’t Know What Do I Want!”
Our desires and goals motivate us towards self-fulfillment and increase our enjoyment of life. But not just that - recognizing goals and working on them are important in coaching and psychotherapy. Since emotional conditioning and limitations are primarily reflected...
爱情关系中的模式
Subconscious mind and love Do you enjoy loving your significant other? Seemingly paradoxically, for many people love is a source of pain rather than bliss. There is no other adult relationship in which the depth and strength of our needs, imprints and beliefs from...
Psychology of Disease
"Official" medicine acknowledges more and more often that psychological processes influence certain diseases, as well as recovery from a disease. Stress is most often mentioned as the main cause of chronic psychosomatic...
Treatment of Masochism
Emotional masochism Many people are bonded to suffering in some way. As children, they might have learned that they would be rewarded or comforted if they suffer, or they might have observed suffering people receiving special care and...
Therapy with ex soldiers and war veterans
"I wasted my youth and my health fighting for imperial ambitions of greedy psychopaths, all the time believing I was protecting my beloved country." (quote from an ex soldier) War trauma and working with war veterans is not one of my specialties. However, from...
Therapy With Clients From Healthy Families
While more than 90% of people?s emotional problems seem to originate in childhood (or are at least enhanced by early family), from time to time it?s an interesting experience to work with people who come from healthy, caring and quite mature families. (Some people who...
艰难的决定
Many times, resolving childish emotions, internal conflicts, and toxic beliefs can make difficult decisions much easier. You might recognize, for example, that your partner is not your child, and it?s not your responsibility to make them happy. Or you might resolve...
Internal Issues And External Solutions
Even when we are well aware that our strong emotions might be awakened memories from childhood, we might still find it very difficult to focus inwards to resolve those emotions. The urge to blame people around us and seek to change or control them can be overpowering....
Diet, Stress And Anxiety
A danger in any therapy practice is if a therapist only focuses on one aspect of the problem ? usually the one (s)he is specialized in. While most emotional issues have at least some psychological components that can be addressed through therapy, it?s important to...
情感逻辑
A quote from a client I was working with recently: "I don't value myself, so if a girl falls in love with me, I automatically respect her less." Let that sink in for a moment. Practically a whole novel is contained in this one sentence (as well as some admirable...
与施虐者和受虐者合作
If for whatever reason you are interested to learn about the topic of abuse, I strongly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This book is especially useful for dismantling some common myths about what causes abuse and violence - whether...
When Hope is a “Negative” Emotion
Some time ago, I was working with a woman in USA who has a private business in which she is very engaged, creative and responsible, and potentially very successful. Still, things were going downhill, primarily because of her relationships with her employees -...
Is Your Burnout the Result of Unconscious Guilt?
How helpers become helpers From social workers to medical nurses, nobody dedicates their career to helping people without a reason. OK, there are some charlatans who exploit people, like everywhere; there are some people who just hope for a safe job or status, but...
Emotional Incest
While many people criticize their parents' lack of love, some parents give their children seemingly too much love - but immature and needy rather than mature parental love. Integrative Systemic Coaching recognizes the pattern of emotional incest and its consequences,...
What Is Age Regression?
Generally about the concept of age regression After all these years of writing about and working with emotions from childhood, it may finally be time to clarify some more the term I use in virtually every other article. ? Generally, the term "age regression" is used...
Panic Attacks, Phobia And Anxiety: How To Deal With Them
This article contains some excerpts from the workbook "Turn Your Fear Into Courage". Fear is one of the first and the most common experiences of a baby. Our emotional patterns are stronger, more influential and more difficult to resolve if they are...
Transcript: GoalWalk
This is a demonstration of the ?GoalWalk? method from the 2nd module of Integrative Systemic Coaching. GoalWalk is an approach which uses a client?s imagination to activate subconscious resources and recognize unconscious emotional obstacles to achieving a goal. This...
Transcript: Making Friends With a Monster
Introduction: this is a demonstration of symbolic, metaphorical work from Module 3 of Integrative Systemic Coaching. Monsters are common in symbolic images and it is important that we do not reject or destroy them, but integrate them. During integration, metaphorical...
Transcript: Clarification
This is an excerpt from a transcript of module 1 of Integrative Systemic Coaching training. Clarification is one of the first steps of our approach, relatively simple and beginner-friendly, but still quite effective. ANNA: I felt some resistance in the last exercise....
如何做出更好的决定？
Do you often have problems with making decisions? If you try making up your mind based on conscious information and temporary emotions, your decision making might be limited and confusing (even if we ignore the impact of childhood emotions ? which we shouldn't). I...
Borderline Syndrome Or Self Hatred?
If you don't love and appreciate yourself, you may not be aware of it enough. Perhaps you are used to constant internal self-criticism and perceive it as normal, or perhaps you live in a kind of emotional emptiness and detachment from feelings, functioning mainly...
How to break Free from Trauma Bond
Question: Close to a year ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. However, I still feel a deep connection with my ex. It?s difficult to stop thinking about them and wishing they could change. I read it?s called trauma bond. But why does it persist for...
Black Magic or Childhood Programming?
In a public talk I gave some years ago, a man from the audience asked if I believed in black magic. He explained that, no matter what he did, things just didn?t work out in his life, so he suspected some external malevolent influence at work. He wasn?t...
The Secret Reasons Behind Self-Sabotage (And How To Break Free)
Many people are not fully aware of how often they engage in self-sabotage. Consider: have you ever nearly completed an important project, only to suddenly lose the energy and drive to finish it? Have you ever pushed away a promising relationship (of any...
ABUSE
How To Recognize Emotional Blackmail?
Manipulation by definition presumes covert attempt to control others, usually involving twisting facts and using words in ways that might be difficult to distinguish from honest communication. That's why people are often confused whether they might...
The Gift of Fear (And Some Memories)
?Intuition is always right in at least two important ways:1. It is always in response to something.2. It always has your best interest at heart.(...) Our interpretation of intuition is not always right.?Gavin de Becker, The Gift of Fear This time I want to...
Lessons From the Past
Working with some young clients lately got me thinking about myself in the same age, when I just arrived to a big city to study. More and more often these days, I see those memories as if looking at somebody else rather than identifying with my younger self and seeing...
您是否觉得被人视作理所当然？虐待与无条件的爱
A common pattern in unhealthy relationships is when (at least) one of the partners takes the other for granted, perhaps being aggressive, manipulative or dismissive ? but when the other partner decides to leave, the first suddenly starts acting like an...
人际关系中的红旗
Incompatibility is fairly common in relationships, which means there are plenty of potential red flags of incompatibility depending of one's values and personal traits. However, sometimes you might not simply be incompatible with a love interest, but you might have...
Are You a Flying Monkey? (And How To Avoid Being One)
What is "a flying monkey"? The expression "flying monkey" originates from the book "The Wizard of Oz", in which a group of winged monkeys serves an evil witch and executes her destructive commands. In real life, it describes a person who was manipulated into...
与施虐者和受虐者合作
If for whatever reason you are interested to learn about the topic of abuse, I strongly recommend the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. This book is especially useful for dismantling some common myths about what causes abuse and violence - whether...
How To Stand Up For Yourself
Protecting one's own personal boundaries and finding balance with other people, whether family or strangers, and often in subtle ways, are everyday parts of a human life. Testing and pushing on others' boundaries is normal in a relationship of a child to a parent, and...
如何真正宽恕并被宽恕？
Why is it sometimes so difficult to forgive? Many New Age and self-help books say that, to achieve inner peace, we have to forgive people who hurt us. A common message about how to actually do it is something like: just decide to forgive! Or they might instruct you...
Are You Being Abused?
photo by: Daniele Levis Pelusi What is "normal"? When I was in my first year at uni, we had a discussion about what is actually a behavioral disorder. Long story short, the professor's conclusion was that a behavioral disorder is defined not in terms of...
Can Good People Be Abusers?
How and why can good people be abusers? In short: yes, it is sometimes possible for otherwise good people to be abusers in close relationships. I had (at least) one such in my family; I worked as a coach with several of them. Although I don't specialize in abuse so I...
How to break Free from Trauma Bond
Question: Close to a year ago, I got out of an abusive relationship. However, I still feel a deep connection with my ex. It?s difficult to stop thinking about them and wishing they could change. I read it?s called trauma bond. But why does it persist for...
The Best Comebacks For Rude People
My core topic is emotional maturity, so it's expected that I'd always advise polite and de-escalating communication?and so I do. However, that kind of communication only works with fundamentally well-meaning people, which is not everybody. Some people love to put...
SOCIETY
Biological Revolution
While learning to recognize emotional patterns from childhood, emotional traditions of our family and their consequences, and how to heal and change them, it's important not to ignore biological aspects of our everyday behaviour. Without awareness of what our...
My 2 Cents About Chemtrails
Some years ago, the idea of chemtrails (conspiracy theory which claims that condensation trails left by airplanes are full of dangerous chemicals deliberately sprayed to damage, manipulate and enslave people) was rather unknown and promoted by only a handful of...
Lessons From the Past
Working with some young clients lately got me thinking about myself in the same age, when I just arrived to a big city to study. More and more often these days, I see those memories as if looking at somebody else rather than identifying with my younger self and seeing...
Who Has It Worse: Men Or Women?
This is, admittedly, a rather clickbaity title. But the article won't disappoint. If nothing else, it's easy to be aware of our own problems and not notice things other people face, and learning about them might help everybody be kinder to each other. For the purpose...
Academic and Emotional Intelligence: Correlated or Not?
It can be surprising sometimes when obviously intelligent people make mess in their own or other people?s lives with their lack of emotional awareness, lack of empathy or by surrendering to unhealthy emotions. It feels natural to expect intelligent people to also be...
Religion and Tribal Instincts
Some time last autumn, I was chatting with an acquaintance about toxic beliefs from childhood. He said he was surprised that many people avoid changing such beliefs, sometimes finding excuses, sometimes even reacting with hostility if they disagree with others?...
Marriage: Love or Duty?
Most people enter marriage full of ideals of mutual love and respect "until death do us part" and happy, smart and cooperative children. Life, however, is not quite so tidy and organized, so it often faces us with challenges, as if saying, "Really? Well, let's see...
Power vs. Empathy
More and more lately, I have an impression that the results of parliamentary elections across the world partly reflect the percentage of population who admire power/money and individuals who have power/money. The desire for power and admiration for those who...
Why the Need for Victim Blaming?
When you read about people in trouble, or victims of violence or political circumstances... do you mentally find reasons why such things wouldn't happen to you? "I'd do differently in such a situation...", "In her place, I'd try to escape...", "That's just how...
政治正确的精华与糟粕
The good In its essence, the intention of political correctness is compassion and thoughtfulness. Both are very much needed in the world. Waving it off with excuses such as ?suck it up? or ?my grandfather succeeded in spite of adversity, so you should too?, is at best...
Can Traditional Gender Roles Work?
By traditional gender roles, many people presume that the man works outside the home to earn money, while the woman takes on the roles of mother and housewife. (Throughout most of human history, this wasn't actually the norm, as women also had to work to ensure...
Fighting about feminism
Question: I'm in a new, long-distance relationship (a few months). My boyfriend and I were recently fighting about feminism. Since then, he seems more distant. I'm afraid of losing him - he is a great guy. Can you give me some advice? Answer: Plenty of details are...
How to be Resilient in Uncertain Times: 7 expectations and 8 strategies
My nature is cautiously optimistic. Like many people, I used to believe that our society was mostly stable and that much of the worst violence was a thing of the past. I imagine many people felt the same and saw no need to learn how to be resilient. Even when...
科斯扬卡-穆克
我是一名整合系统教练培训师和特殊教育教师。我在 10 个国家举办过工作坊和讲座，并帮助五大洲 20 多个国家的数百人（在线和离线）找到了情绪模式的解决方案。我撰写了《日常生活中的情感成熟》一书以及相关的系列工作手册。
有些人问我是否也做按摩等身体工作？
开个玩笑。其实我很温柔的。大多数时候
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