Як подолати соціальне неприйняття та незручність

Інстинкт приналежності

Люди мають інстинктивну потребу бути прийнятими іншими та відчувати зв'язок з ними. Ми абсолютно не пристосовані до виживання поодинці, а спільна праця в племені була необхідних для нашого виживання as a species. Through most of human history, and occasionally still in the present times, being different or not fitting in didn’t only mean social rejection – it meant your tribe could straight up turn against you and murder you, such as in “witch hunts” or “honor killings”. Even pack animals are known to show hostility to pack members who look different, like albino cubs. Often, it’s not only people who stick out in “negative” ways who are rejected – many high quality people end up rejected simply because they are different than average.

Тому ми, люди, розвинули глибоку інстинкт страху перед відмовою, which makes us judge ourselves by others’ feedback – to question ourselves and form conclusions about ourselves based on what people around us tell us or how they treat us. This instinct is the strongest in a child, but adult people feel it too.

Однак, як і будь-яка інша особистісна риса та інстинкт, наприклад, емпатія, інтелект, потреба у владі тощо, інстинкт належати та бути прийнятим є не однаково сильна у всіх. Some people don’t seem to have much of it. Even as children, they don’t suffer as much as most when they feel rejected, and as adults they don’t care much about fitting in. Interestingly, this is often exactly причина, чому багато людей захоплюються ними і хочеться бути поруч з ними.

Ми відчуваємо, наскільки обмежувальною та обтяжливою може бути необхідність відповідати, якщо правила та очікування племені є жорсткими, і ми таємно прагнемо мати більше свободи. Thus, paradoxically, it’s often the people with the strongest need to fit in who end up rejected, dismissed, or even bullied, because their fear of others’ opinions makes them shy, awkward and tense, which others don’t appreciate. Human mind and human nature are full of paradoxes.

Вплив сім'ї

Як ми будемо боротися з соціальною ізоляцією у дорослому віці, насамперед залежить від нашого дитячого досвіду (besides the innate strength of our instinct to belong). As I wrote in the article “Дітям потрібні виклики“, children who feel supported by their parents can much more easily cope with problems in the outer world, because parents are much more important to young children than the outer world.

Але якщо ми відчували, що нас відкинули батьки, або ми просто були недостатньо цікавими для наших батьків, то кожне відкидання, яке ми відчуваємо за межами сім'ї, підтверджує нашу погану думку про себе і ранить глибше. Насправді, ми, швидше за все, не помітимо або швидко dismiss any feedback that doesn’t match the feedback we got from our parents – even when the external feedback is positive. This pattern can easily persist into adulthood.

Ситуація ще гірша, якщо наші батьки самі відчували себе соціально неадекватними і боялися того, що можуть сказати сусіди. Того, чого бояться батьки, дитина боїться ще більшеособливо якщо страх змушує батьків карати дитину. Таким чином, деякі з наших соціальних страхів і почуття неадекватності можуть бути між поколіннями – not only coming from our own childhood, but from our parents’ childhoods (and further).

Відчуття власної неповноцінності в дитинстві може підштовхнути нас до надмірно компенсують у дорослому віцічи то імітуючи способи надкомпенсації, якими користувалися наші батьки та суспільство в цілому, чи то знаходячи власні способи. Деякі люди компенсують це, купуючи символи статусу, спілкуватися з популярними та впливовими людьми (включаючи закоханість з такими людьми) і слідуючи популярним трендам. Деякі люди надмірно компенсують це тим, що бореться за те, щоб досягти все більше і більше, щоб виділитися, здобути статус, нагороди та визнання. Дехто стає на шлях давати, щоб вони отримувалиможливо, в кінцевому підсумку виступаючи в ролі жертв і мучеників. Деякі здаються. and become social recluses, trying to convince themselves that being accepted by others doesn’t matter to them.

Як залишатися дорослим

Так само, як і багато іншого досвіду нашого дорослого повсякденного життя несвідомо викликають дитячі спогади і дитячих почуттів, так само як і досвід неприйняття та неприєднання. Коли в нас прокидаються дитячі спогади, ми, швидше за все, починаємо сприйняття речей по-дитячому – exaggerated, generalized, self-centered, black and white. We may ignore rational explanations and focus on our childhood feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and self-blame.

It’s very important to спочатку визнайте, що ви реагуєте на минуле more than the present. You may mentally say to yourself: “These are emotions from the past” (or, sometimes, “This is my biology acting up”). Observe the feelings and ideas that come up and check what age they seem to belong to. When you are able to separate the past from the present, you might already feel much calmer and more objective.

Знайдіть хвилинку, щоб заспокойте і заспокойте свою внутрішню дитину. Remind it that whatever happened in childhood wasn’t (all) your mistake. As soon as you have more time, use it to work on healing the relationship with parents. Try to досягти відчуття підтримки з боку батьків. Якщо ваші батьки були справді токсичними, ви можете навіть створити уявних здорових батьків, щоб підтримати себе в думках. У нашій роботі ми використовуємо цілий ряд адаптованих методів зцілення сімейних впливів.

Підготуйтеся заздалегідь for potentially unpleasant social situations. If you are going to a gathering where you expect you might feel awkward, accept the possibility that people might not react to you the way you’d like. Imagine yourself comforting your inner child and reminding yourself of your qualities. Imagine yourself staying calm and adult and accepting of yourself. The more you can prepare up front to deal with such situations, the less they will surprise you and make you lose resources – and then if nothing else you won’t look and feel so awkward. A loner who accepts themselves is more relaxing to be around than a loner who is tense and uncomfortable.

Практичні поради

Next, recognize that just like most people don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in you, you also don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in most other people. It doesn’t mean you dislike them and deem them unworthy, and the other way around. By adult age, most people have formed their “tribes” and are too busy with them to seek further. Once a tribe is formed, people find it more difficult (but not impossible) to accept new people into it. That doesn’t say anything much about yours or their personalities, it’s simply a fact of human life. Remind yourself of people who do like you and think well of you.

Щоб знайти своє плем'я, потрібно пошук людей, які схожі на вас rather than trying to be accepted by most people. If you have an artistic mind, you are not likely to find much understanding among IT experts, and if you are an intellectual, you are not likely to fit in among sportspeople. Accept that you can’t be good in everything and fit in everywhere. Search for a smaller number of quality relationships, rather than being accepted by whole groups. Remind yourself that not having qualities one group of people demands, probably means у вас є інші якості інша група може оцінити.

Подібним чином, ваші особисті риси, які деякі люди можуть відкидати і відкидають, можуть означати, що у вас є додаткові переваги в деяких інших аспектах and other circumstances. There is a lot of duality in our human lives, and many traits that are advantageous in some ways turn out to be problematic in other ways, and the other way around. A shy and sensitive person might not be very stimulating in a big group, but can be very empathetic and a good friend in private, or very creative, or very insightful. A serious person might seem intimidating to many, but people are usually serious if they think a lot, or are responsible, and they are often responsible and think a lot because they care – and/or they have busy minds and rich inner worlds.

So, focus on your strengths and build upon them, rather than dwelling on your weaknesses. Perhaps you have strengths – warmth, gentleness, intelligence… – your early environment taught you to hide rather than express. Consider how you can let them show again. Keep in mind that most people will be impressed by your character and communication skills rather than technical expertise.

Of course, you might be rejected because you are objectively unpleasant – aggressive, arrogant or (borderline) narcissistic. Such people are not likely to come to my website anyway. But in case you are, consider where such behavior might be coming from. In my experience, most aggression, arrogance and narcissism compensates for deep unconscious sense of inadequacy or even self-hatred, which you need to heal. The more you learn to like and accept yourself in a healthy way, the more you can be aware of others, appreciative and considerate to others.

Спробуй take a look at yourself through other people’s eyes. You might find that they were simply too preoccupied with themselves to pay attention to you – or you might feel there was something about you they disliked – perhaps you miss on social cues, or overcompensate in too obvious ways, or they confuse your shyness with arrogance or your seriousness with covert criticism (both quite common!), or they feel tense around a person who feels awkward.

Якщо ви знайдете щось подібне, уникайте звинувачень і критики на свою адресу (можливо, це відгомін батьківської критики, над зціленням якої ви також можете попрацювати). Пам'ятайте, як я вже говорив у Як подолати страх помилокщо помилки - найкращий спосіб вчитися. Consider what parts of your behavior you want to change and why, and what you don’t want to change and why. Keep in mind that some changes might be good for you, but too much conformism might make you lose some important qualities. Then explore how you can start changing the parts of your behavior you want to change. Take small steps, don’t fear mistakes but use them to learn more – and don’t overcompensate.

Вчіться у людей, які вас надихають або з якими вам добре. How do they communicate with others? What non-verbal signals do they send? What do they do that makes you feel good? Perhaps you cannot become quite like them without changing yourself too much – but some small changes might go a long way.

Нарешті, проявляти ініціативу. Learn how to use small talk and how to approach people – it’s easier than you might think! Present yourself as approachable, verbally and non-verbally. Seek people who look interested and open to communication, but don’t just wait for them to approach you. Be kind and виявляють інтерес – people are the most attracted to people who show clear interest in them. Yet keep your sense of balance, use your intuition and don’t pretend you are someone you are not, or agree with things you don’t agree. In short, be your best self but be genuine. Show your passion, talk about things that are important to you, but don’t expect everybody to agree or show interest.

Seek new activities which are at least somewhat interesting to you, and which make it possible to interact with people directly rather than being a passive audience to something. Mountaineering, dancing, art classes, scientific gatherings, self-improvement workshops, volunteering, literary evenings… use your creativity. The website Зустріч перелічено багато зустрічей у великих містах, відсортованих за категоріями. Можливо, ви навіть захочете організувати щось самостійно.

Just like with looking for a job or a partner, you need to put yourself out there and check out many people to find out who suits you the most. Every experience is worth something. Even if you don’t feel at ease with most people, a small number of new friends is worth the search. Once you make a few friends, you might introduce them to each other – and then you might have your own little tribe.

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