Emotional Logic: 6 Essential Rules

We tend to expect ourselves and others to behave in a sensible, rational manner. Yet under stress, most people behave irrationally. When our emotions are not triggered, it’s easy to see reason. But when something activates our childhood memories, a different set of rules begins to influence our behavior. We can call this “emotional logic.”

Emotional logic can feel convincing, even inevitable, because it once helped us make sense of situations we couldn’t fully understand. But over time, it becomes a quiet architect of our reactions, relationships, and self-image—often without us even noticing. What feels like “just the way things are” is more likely to be a deeply ingrained childish perception of reality that continues to shape our behavior long after the original context is gone.

Цитата від клієнта, з яким я нещодавно працював:

“I don’t value myself, so if a girl falls in love with me, I automatically respect her less.”

Нехай це на мить затягнеться. Практично цілий роман міститься в цьому одному реченні (а також чудова обізнаність і чесність).

Emotional logic influences our behavior vastly more than any rational knowledge. In fact, more often than not, люди використовують свій раціональний розум, щоб виправдати свої емоційні бажання.

Too bad that emotional logic is often based on our childhood impressions in combination with our instincts and hormones. It makes perfect sense in a certain simplified way, but it narrows things down to a very limited, exaggerated and generalized perspective. Then it branches out, coloring our impressions and conclusions about our new experiences.

Ще кілька прикладів:

“I associate love with violence – so if somebody offers me love and attention, I become irritated and push them away, sometimes by verbal violence, even if I love them. Partly because I’m frightened, partly perhaps because aggression is allowed in close relationships, in my frame of mind.”

“My girlfriend was controlling and manipulative – but no matter how much I disliked it, that’s what made me feel safe and able to relax and let go of my own need for control. It’s like I felt Хтось had to control things, so better her than me, because I didn’t feel competent enough.”

“My mother used to tell me about my alcoholic father, “You are the only one who can solve this!” However, I didn’t dare even try to help father, because I felt I would have failed and thus taken away my mother’s hope. Now, as adult, I feel blocked when encountering problems – I’m afraid if I try, I will find out how much I don’t know – and I’m supposed to know it.”

“As a child, I needed to believe that I was the cause of my parents’ fights – otherwise I would have felt even less important. I wanted at least something going on around me, some emotions expressed, even if unpleasant. Now I find that I feel somehow comfortable and even in a weird way comforted within relationship chaos and emotional pain.”

Існує кілька загальних правила до емоційної логіки:

• • діти довіряють своїм вихователям та ідентифікувати себе з ними

• • діти намагатися зберегти важливі стосункичасто ціною власної індивідуальності та самооцінки.

• • діти, як правило, схильні брати на себе провину та відповідальність за те, чого вони не можуть зрозуміти

• • Щоб захиститися від болючих емоцій, діти створюють захисні механізми (такі як гнів, уникнення, одержимість, маніпуляція та незліченна кількість інших)

• • ці патерни стають фільтри для подальшого досвіду

• У проблемних ситуаціях наш мозок схильний вдаватися до тієї поведінки, яка в дитинстві здавалася найкращою.

These basic rules, interacting with individual experiences and circumstances, often create convoluted yet still rather predictable consequences, not unlike fractals created by mathematical equations.  That’s why exploring our deepest imprints together feels like science and art in the same time.

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