Falling In Love With “Bad Guys” (And Girls)

 Биология, лежащая в основе любви и влечения

Многие мужчины убеждают друг друга в том, что женщинам нужны доминирующие мужчины, которые будут победить их и указать им их место. It is true that women are somewhat more biologically attracted to confident, even dominant men (although there are plenty of opposite examples, too, and the cultural model of desirable masculinity can influence women’s choices even if it’s not particularly healthy). The instinctive, usually unconscious hope behind this attraction is that such a man can be a safe place, perhaps even protection from the danger in the world (wild animals  if you like prehistorical terms; enemy warriors if you like medieval terms. As for the modern world, there is still enough stupidity, aggression and ignorance going around that a safe place to relax is more than welcome).

Реальность, как правило, прямо противоположна и быстро отрезвляет: доминирование как биологическая черта характера (независимо от пола) логически сопровождается стремлением к доминированию и власти. На оправдывать такие порывы, a dominant person often ends up perceiving other people (especially people who don’t fight for dominance) as less valuable, less respectable – less people. Overconfidence and empathy don’t go well together – to be overconfident, you usually need to disregard opinions and feelings of other people – that is, you cannot include their perspectives into your experience – you cannot use much empathy.

This doesn’t exclude their families – quite the opposite, the families might bear the brunt of it, because most people express their worst sides in a safe environment such as a family provides. Thus a woman who chooses a dominant man will usually find that she has to защитить себя от того самого человека, с которым она надеялась чувствовать себя в безопасности..

Once a dominant person develops such psychological patterns, it’s очень маловероятно that they would be motivated to change and control their own urges for power as well as excuses they create for seeking power.  After all, dominance often results in emotional pleasure as well as практическая и социальная польза. Few people are strong enough to give all those benefits up in the name of “abstract” ethical ideals such as responsibility.

On the other hand, many women complain that men prefer “bitches” and so they might encourage each other to play games with men. Когда мужчин привлекают нездоровые (эгоистичные или агрессивные) женщины, there is also a biological aspect to it – it’s a human instinct to look for a desirable and “high value” partner. So if somebody acts in ways our primitive brains can interpret like they value themselves, even if this means arrogance, criticism and emotional unavailability, our “reptile” brains might say: “Hey! A high-status potential mate! Go for it!” It’s in our biological nature to цените уверенность, а не компетентность – just look at the political scene in pretty much every country.

Однако, Наше окружение оказывает решающее влияние over which of our instincts will we follow. I’ve already written a lot about как наши семьи влияют на наши эмоциональные модели в интимных отношениях. Если нас воспитывали этичные, сострадательные родители, это будет для нас нормальным, и мы будем искать таких же партнеров. В таком случае инстинктивное влечение к доминированию или высокомерию часто будет преодолено здоровой моделью семьи. Проблема в том, что большинство людей все еще нездоровы или незрелы в некоторых отношениях, поэтому большинство детей получают незрелые модели поверх незрелых биологических инстинктов.

Будьте верны своим ценностям

Хорошая новость заключается в том, что, целенаправленно работая над собой, вы можете избавиться от такого программирования и приучите себя замечать реальные качества in potential partners. A pleasant little exercise: instead of fantasizing about somebody who doesn’t treat you well, start fantasizing about a relationship which is everything you want. Get your brain used to the idea.  But do not imagine such a good relationship with the same person, or any specific person. Create the space in your mind to allow somebody new.

Ставьте на первое место свои важные ценности и потребности. It’s fine (and often necessary) to make a compromise about secondary  values, but as soon as you start compromising your important values, you catch yourself in a web from which you might have trouble freeing yourself. You feel you betrayed yourself, you trust and appreciate yourself less – and you feel странная связь Отношениям: если вы вложили в них столько сил, бывает трудно отказаться от них и начать все заново.

If you hope that the other person will appreciate your sacrifice … well, they will probably notice and feel good about it, but few people are able to control their own Примитивное стремление эксплуатировать тех, кто позволяет переступать свои границы. So they will ask for more and more, step by step, until you feel like a puppet on a string. In the same time, they appreciate you less and less because you show that you don’t value yourself enough.

So do you need to become cold, dismissive and insensitive to attract a partner? No – you can show that you value yourself without betraying your integrity and becoming bitter and cynical. Being честность, ясность и последовательность о своих ценностях и границах - явный признак здоровой самооценки. Это то, что вы не может подделать. If you want a healthy relationship, you cannot say “These are my boundaries”, and then proceed to compromise them. You truly have to be willing to let people go if they are not compatible with your values. You also need to behave like that in the rest of your life and relationships, not just towards a (potential) partner.

Вы don’t have to hate or despise the other person to recognize he or she is not right for you and say good-bye. Many people stay in relationships because of their partners’ good qualities, while hoping that the bad ones would somehow change. It would be simple if people were all good or all bad, wouldn’t it? You need to value yourself enough to decide that some good qualities are not worth staying, if you are not happy with a certain person as who they are now.

Правильный выбор

One way or another, you will never be able to change a “bad guy/girl”. Вы не являетесь причиной проблемы, поэтому не можете быть ее решением. Чем скорее вы это примете и сделать собственные ценности и границы более важными, чем отношенияЧем лучше жизнь, которую вы можете создать для себя. Возможно, для этого придется поработать над повышением своей самооценки (что, вероятно, принесет немало пользы и в других отношениях).

Should you choose a “nice guy/girl” then? If you listen to people and read online discussions, you might get the idea that people fall either into a “jerk” or a “doormat” category and there is nothing to choose from in between. Often people who compromise their values and lack self-esteem are labeled as “nice”, although Они тоже не здоровы. Самые здоровые (и самые привлекательные) люди - это те, кто оба уверены в себе и верны себе, а также в разумных пределах добрый и сострадательный.

You might say it’s not easy to find such a person. This is true. Between selfish biological instincts, chaotic upbringing and deeply unhealthy society, few people manage to find that kind of internal balance. Yet, perhaps you might have trouble распознавание истинной уверенности и силы, as it’s usually not so flamboyant and superficially charismatic as overconfidence (arrogance). Perhaps drop some of your more shallow criteria and look beyond the surface for people you can truly respect. In the same time, work on becoming a strong and internally balanced person yourself. Perhaps you can turn yourself into a person your dream partner dreams of.

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