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Jak przezwyciężyć odrzucenie społeczne i niezręczność?

utworzone przez | 22.paź. 2019 | Nowe artykuły, Komunikacja, Poczucie własnej wartości

Instynkt przynależności

Istoty ludzkie mają instynktowną potrzebę akceptacji i poczucia więzi z innymi. Jesteśmy wyjątkowo niezdolni do przetrwania w pojedynkę, a praca razem jako plemiona była niezbędne dla naszego przetrwania as a species. Through most of human history, and occasionally still in the present times, being different or not fitting in didn’t only mean social rejection – it meant your tribe could straight up turn against you and murder you, such as in “witch hunts” or “honor killings”. Even pack animals are known to show hostility to pack members who look different, like albino cubs. Often, it’s not only people who stick out in “negative” ways who are rejected – many high quality people end up rejected simply because they are different than average.

Tak więc my, ludzie, rozwinęliśmy głęboką instynkt strachu przed odrzuceniem, which makes us judge ourselves by others’ feedback – to question ourselves and form conclusions about ourselves based on what people around us tell us or how they treat us. This instinct is the strongest in a child, but adult people feel it too.

Jednakże, podobnie jak w przypadku każdej innej cechy osobistej i instynktu, takiej jak empatia, inteligencja, potrzeba władzy itp. nie jest równie silny u wszystkich. Some people don’t seem to have much of it. Even as children, they don’t suffer as much as most when they feel rejected, and as adults they don’t care much about fitting in. Interestingly, this is often exactly powód, dla którego wielu ludzi ich podziwia i chcą być wokół nich.

Czujemy, jak restrykcyjna i uciążliwa może być potrzeba dopasowania się, jeśli plemienne zasady i oczekiwania są sztywne i potajemnie pragniemy mieć więcej wolności. Thus, paradoxically, it’s often the people with the strongest need to fit in who end up rejected, dismissed, or even bullied, because their fear of others’ opinions makes them shy, awkward and tense, which others don’t appreciate. Human mind and human nature are full of paradoxes.

Wpływ rodziny

Jak poradzimy sobie z wykluczeniem społecznym jako dorośli, przede wszystkim zależy od naszych doświadczeń z dzieciństwa (besides the innate strength of our instinct to belong). As I wrote in the article “Dzieci potrzebują wyzwań“, children who feel supported by their parents can much more easily cope with problems in the outer world, because parents are much more important to young children than the outer world.

Ale jeśli czuliśmy się odrzuceni przez naszych rodziców lub po prostu nie byliśmy dla nich wystarczająco interesujący, każde odrzucenie, którego doświadczamy poza rodziną, potwierdza naszą istniejącą złą opinię o nas samych i pogłębia ją. W rzeczywistości możemy tego nie zauważyć lub szybko to zrobić. dismiss any feedback that doesn’t match the feedback we got from our parents – even when the external feedback is positive. This pattern can easily persist into adulthood.

Sytuacja jest gorsza, jeśli nasi rodzice sami czuli się społecznie niedostosowani i obawiali się, co mogą powiedzieć sąsiedzi. Tego, czego boją się rodzice, dziecko boi się jeszcze bardziejZwłaszcza jeśli strach popycha rodziców do ukarania dziecka. Tak więc niektóre z naszych lęków społecznych i poczucia nieadekwatności mogą być międzypokoleniowy – not only coming from our own childhood, but from our parents’ childhoods (and further).

Poczucie nieadekwatności w dzieciństwie może prowadzić nas do nadmierna kompensacja jako dorośliCzy to poprzez naśladowanie sposobów, w jakie nasi rodzice i szersza społeczność nadmiernie kompensowali, czy też poprzez znajdowanie własnych sposobów. Niektórzy ludzie rekompensują to sobie kupując symbole statusu, otaczanie się popularnymi i wpływowymi ludźmi (w tym zakochanie z takimi ludźmi) i podążanie za popularnymi trendami. Niektórzy ludzie nadrabiają to poprzez walcząc o osiągnięcie coraz więcej, aby się wyróżnić, zdobyć status, nagrody i uznanie. Niektórzy wybierają ścieżkę dając, aby otrzymali, być może kończąc jako ofiary i męczennicy. Niektórzy się poddają and become social recluses, trying to convince themselves that being accepted by others doesn’t matter to them.

Jak pozostać dorosłym

Podobnie jak wiele innych doświadczeń w naszym dorosłym codziennym życiu nieświadomie wywołują wspomnienia z dzieciństwa i dziecięce uczucia, podobnie jak doświadczenie braku akceptacji i włączenia. Kiedy wspomnienia z dzieciństwa są wyzwalane, prawdopodobnie zaczniemy postrzeganie rzeczy w dziecinny sposób – exaggerated, generalized, self-centered, black and white. We may ignore rational explanations and focus on our childhood feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and self-blame.

It’s very important to najpierw rozpoznaj, że reagujesz na przeszłość more than the present. You may mentally say to yourself: “These are emotions from the past” (or, sometimes, “This is my biology acting up”). Observe the feelings and ideas that come up and check what age they seem to belong to. When you are able to separate the past from the present, you might already feel much calmer and more objective.

Poświęć chwilę na uspokój się i pociesz swoje wewnętrzne dziecko. Remind it that whatever happened in childhood wasn’t (all) your mistake. As soon as you have more time, use it to work on healing the relationship with parents. Try to osiągnąć poczucie bycia wspieranym przez rodziców. Jeśli twoi rodzice byli naprawdę toksyczni, możesz nawet stworzyć wyimaginowanych zdrowych rodziców, którzy będą cię wspierać w twoim umyśle. W naszej pracy dysponujemy szeregiem adaptowalnych metod uzdrawiania wpływów rodzinnych.

Przygotuj się z wyprzedzeniem for potentially unpleasant social situations. If you are going to a gathering where you expect you might feel awkward, accept the possibility that people might not react to you the way you’d like. Imagine yourself comforting your inner child and reminding yourself of your qualities. Imagine yourself staying calm and adult and accepting of yourself. The more you can prepare up front to deal with such situations, the less they will surprise you and make you lose resources – and then if nothing else you won’t look and feel so awkward. A loner who accepts themselves is more relaxing to be around than a loner who is tense and uncomfortable.

Praktyczne porady

Next, recognize that just like most people don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in you, you also don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in most other people. It doesn’t mean you dislike them and deem them unworthy, and the other way around. By adult age, most people have formed their “tribes” and are too busy with them to seek further. Once a tribe is formed, people find it more difficult (but not impossible) to accept new people into it. That doesn’t say anything much about yours or their personalities, it’s simply a fact of human life. Remind yourself of people who do like you and think well of you.

Aby znaleźć swoje własne plemię, musisz wyszukiwanie osób podobnych do użytkownika rather than trying to be accepted by most people. If you have an artistic mind, you are not likely to find much understanding among IT experts, and if you are an intellectual, you are not likely to fit in among sportspeople. Accept that you can’t be good in everything and fit in everywhere. Search for a smaller number of quality relationships, rather than being accepted by whole groups. Remind yourself that not having qualities one group of people demands, probably means masz inne cechy może docenić inna grupa.

W podobny sposób cechy osobiste, które niektórzy ludzie mogą odrzucić, mogą oznaczać posiadanie dodatkowe atuty na kilka innych sposobów and other circumstances. There is a lot of duality in our human lives, and many traits that are advantageous in some ways turn out to be problematic in other ways, and the other way around. A shy and sensitive person might not be very stimulating in a big group, but can be very empathetic and a good friend in private, or very creative, or very insightful. A serious person might seem intimidating to many, but people are usually serious if they think a lot, or are responsible, and they are often responsible and think a lot because they care – and/or they have busy minds and rich inner worlds.

So, focus on your strengths and build upon them, rather than dwelling on your weaknesses. Perhaps you have strengths – warmth, gentleness, intelligence… – your early environment taught you to hide rather than express. Consider how you can let them show again. Keep in mind that most people will be impressed by your character and communication skills rather than technical expertise.

Of course, you might be rejected because you are objectively unpleasant – aggressive, arrogant or (borderline) narcissistic. Such people are not likely to come to my website anyway. But in case you are, consider where such behavior might be coming from. In my experience, most aggression, arrogance and narcissism compensates for deep unconscious sense of inadequacy or even self-hatred, which you need to heal. The more you learn to like and accept yourself in a healthy way, the more you can be aware of others, appreciative and considerate to others.

Spróbuj take a look at yourself through other people’s eyes. You might find that they were simply too preoccupied with themselves to pay attention to you – or you might feel there was something about you they disliked – perhaps you miss on social cues, or overcompensate in too obvious ways, or they confuse your shyness with arrogance or your seriousness with covert criticism (both quite common!), or they feel tense around a person who feels awkward.

Jeśli znajdziesz coś takiego, unikaj obwiniania i krytykowania siebie (prawdopodobnie byłoby to echo krytyki rodzicielskiej, nad której wyleczeniem również możesz popracować). Pamiętaj, tak jak powiedziałem w Jak pokonać strach przed popełnianiem błędów?że Błędy to najlepszy sposób na naukę. Consider what parts of your behavior you want to change and why, and what you don’t want to change and why. Keep in mind that some changes might be good for you, but too much conformism might make you lose some important qualities. Then explore how you can start changing the parts of your behavior you want to change. Take small steps, don’t fear mistakes but use them to learn more – and don’t overcompensate.

Ucz się od ludzi, którzy Cię inspirują lub z którymi czujesz się dobrze. How do they communicate with others? What non-verbal signals do they send? What do they do that makes you feel good? Perhaps you cannot become quite like them without changing yourself too much – but some small changes might go a long way.

Wreszcie, podejmować inicjatywę. Learn how to use small talk and how to approach people – it’s easier than you might think! Present yourself as approachable, verbally and non-verbally. Seek people who look interested and open to communication, but don’t just wait for them to approach you. Be kind and wykazać zainteresowanie – people are the most attracted to people who show clear interest in them. Yet keep your sense of balance, use your intuition and don’t pretend you are someone you are not, or agree with things you don’t agree. In short, be your best self but be genuine. Show your passion, talk about things that are important to you, but don’t expect everybody to agree or show interest.

Seek new activities which are at least somewhat interesting to you, and which make it possible to interact with people directly rather than being a passive audience to something. Mountaineering, dancing, art classes, scientific gatherings, self-improvement workshops, volunteering, literary evenings… use your creativity. The website Meetup wymienia wiele spotkań w większych miastach posortowanych według kategorii. Być może zechcesz nawet zorganizować coś na własną rękę.

Just like with looking for a job or a partner, you need to put yourself out there and check out many people to find out who suits you the most. Every experience is worth something. Even if you don’t feel at ease with most people, a small number of new friends is worth the search. Once you make a few friends, you might introduce them to each other – and then you might have your own little tribe.

Czytaj więcej:

Jak pokonać strach przed popełnianiem błędów?

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Kosjenka Muk

Kosjenka Muk

I’m an Integrative Systemic Coaching trainer and special education teacher. I taught workshops and gave lectures in 10 countries, and helped hundreds of people in 20+ countries on 5 continents (on- and offline) find solutions for their emotional patterns. I wrote the book “Emotional Maturity In Everyday Life” and a related series of workbooks.

Some people ask me if I do bodywork such as massage too – sadly, the only type of massage I can do is rubbing salt into wounds.

Just kidding. I’m actually very gentle. Most of the time.

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