Jak podejmować lepsze decyzje?

Do you often have problems with making decisions? If you try making up your mind based on conscious information and temporary emotions, your decision making might be limited and confusing (even if we ignore the impact of childhood emotions – which we shouldn’t).

Wierzę, że mamy naturalny, zdrowy instynkt dokonywania wyborów, które są dla nas właściwe. Instynkt ten jest wynikiem nieświadomego przetwarzania informacji, które obejmuje znacznie więcej niż nasze świadome umysły. Niektóre źródła sugerują, że nieświadomy umysł przetwarza informacje w tempie prawie 200 000 razy większym niż umysł świadomy. Im więcej doświadczenia mamy w życiu, tym bardziej dostrojony staje się ten proces i możemy podejmować lepsze decyzje.

However, many people tell me they don’t feel such an instinct, or it is buried under fears, doubts, guilt and shame, reinforced for years in their families. Very often, problems with making decisions are a consequence of growing up with parents who not only constantly argue, but expect their children to take sides. Such children are confused, torn inside themselves, and trying to please both parents, they forget how to listen to themselves.

A parent who is either unpredictable or plays the victim role (or both) can also easily scare or manipulate children into not trusting their own sense of guidance. Children who are by nature more trusting, cooperative or have an anxious attachment style are especially vulnerable to manipulation and criticism. Once a child learns to ignore their own „gut feeling”, it can fade and stay underdeveloped, like a muscle rarely used.

Yet even if your healthy instinct is hidden, it’s not lost. You can recover it by learning to carefully observe your feelings. The healthy instinct is usually not a strong emotion, but more like a calm sense of knowledge. It can be hidden somewhere in the background of conflicting emotions. Yet just like you learned to distinguish one emotion from another as a child, you can also learn to recognize this instinct and separate it from other feelings.

It might take some time, though – just like anything else done right. Introspection and mindfulness need to be a part of your life in the long run. When I was a kid, I used to read a lot, and looking back, I’d say reading helped me a lot to learn about emotions (mine as well as others’) and to process them in a way that’s safer than most. So reading is something I would recommend from experience.

While you are still learning, don’t rush. Our human minds have an unfortunate tendency to oversimplify things and take them to extremes. Desiring to prove yourself you have learned, you might be tempted to follow various emotional urges which are not the true instinct. Practice with small steps first, until you are confident you can separate the healthy instinct from various emotions.

Your „gut feeling” will not always tell you what you want to hear and immediately take you where you want to go. When I graduated from university, I was eager to start my coaching career right away, but no matter what I did, I wasn’t moving forward. After about a year of struggling, I got an offer for a part time job requiring a two-year commitment. Consciously, I didn’t really want that job, I wanted to do my own thing. But my instinct told me to take it. So I did – and just as those 2 years came to an end, various other circumstances aligned to make it much easier for me to start my independent career. Sometimes our unconscious minds know better than us when we are truly ready for something.

I wonder what happens with people who have immature or toxic values, such as wanting to exploit others or wanting to dominate the world. Do their instincts go along or warn them against it? As far as I know, our „gut feeling” doesn’t have a mind or morality of its own. What it’s most likely to do is to predict possible consequences. Not every person necessarily cares about all of those consequences, I guess. But I don’t have enough experience to make clear claims.

Być może masz już pewne doświadczenie w rozpoznawaniu swojego zdrowego instynktu i podążaniu za nim w innych momentach lub aspektach swojego życia. Jeśli tak, przypomnij sobie, jak się wtedy czułeś. Użyj tego wspomnienia, aby porównać je z obecnymi odczuciami, gdy musisz podjąć decyzję.

Nawet jeśli świadomy umysł jest ograniczony, nie należy go ignorować. Tak jak nasze ciała potrzebują różnych organów, aby sprawnie funkcjonować, tak potrzebujemy różnych części naszego umysłu, aby ze sobą współpracowały. Jeśli pozwolisz wszystkim swoim częściom komunikować się ze sobą, miejmy nadzieję, że nauczą się robić to spokojnie, zamiast kłócić się jak dzieci. Idealnie byłoby, gdybyś mógł dojść do wglądu i wniosków, dzięki którym wszystkie części twojego umysłu poczują się spokojne. Gdy poznasz ten stan umysłu i dowiesz się, jak go osiągnąć, następnym razem będzie to jeszcze łatwiejsze.

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