Czy czujesz się wzięty za darmo? Nadużycie i bezwarunkowa miłość

A common pattern in unhealthy relationships is when (at least) one of the partners takes the other for granted, perhaps being aggressive, manipulative or dismissive – but when the other partner decides to leave, the first suddenly starts acting like an abandoned puppy. The abuser then apologizes, pleads, brings gifts, swears eternal love, promises to change, often brings up horrible stories from his/her childhood to provoke pity and guilt.

Drugi partner (zwykle pochłonięty własnymi potrzeby dzieciństwa, hoping to finally resolve with this person what was left unresolved with parents) decides that the relationship is worth giving another chance and stays. Within a few days or weeks, the abuser’s behavior is back to what it was before: perhaps insults, lies, undermining the partner’s self-confidence, or even physical violence. After a while, the victim decides it’s enough and tries to leave again. The abuser is again devastated. And so the cycle can continue for years – sometimes for a whole life.

Czy brzmi to znajomo? Coś ważnego do zrozumienia, jeśli jesteś w takim związku, jest to, że jeśli twój partner postrzega cię jako rodzic zastępujący, as soon as the relationship is safe and back to routine, (s)he will continue to take you for granted. The normal attitude of a child towards parents is to take parents for granted – unless parents threaten to leave (or perhaps get sick or similar). An emotionally childish person will act in the same way towards an intimate partner.

Dziecinny partner może oczekiwać, że będziesz zachowywać się jak idealny, wyidealizowany rodzic – to fulfill and even anticipate anything they might desire, while allowing them to do whatever they want regardless of your own desires and needs. In the same time, they might vent at you all the anger and resentment they felt for their own parents, but didn’t feel safe to express to them. (It’s quite common to wyrażać nasze nierozwiązane emocje z przeszłości wobec ludzi, z którymi czujemy się najbezpieczniej. Sometimes the target becomes the intimate partner – sometimes one’s own children.)

Such a childish person might defend their attitude with the idea of “bezwarunkowa miłość”, meaning that YOU should love THEM as they are (but they are not willing to give the same in return). This is again the kind of love rodzic dałby dziecku. It’s normal and healthy for parents not to expect their child to share their responsibilities, or to pay back for their gifts and efforts. But this is NOT a healthy partnership of two adult people, especially if they plan to have children.

W takiej sytuacji, gdy rodzi się dziecko, sytuacja się pogarsza, a nie poprawia. Zdziecinniały partner staje się urażony nowymi obowiązkami i wymaganiami, a także brakiem wcześniej otrzymanej uwagi od współmałżonka, która teraz koncentruje się na dziecku. Zdziecinniały rodzic może stać się zazdrosny i urażony o własne dziecko, co może mieć przewidywalne konsekwencje dla dziecka.

Some people in troublesome relationships are not quite sure whether they should trust themselves of their partner’s words. This requires a quick course in Znajomość własnych emocji oraz rozróżnianie emocji dorosłych i niedojrzałych. Perhaps, while growing up, you were discouraged from trusting your instincts and giving importance to your feelings and needs. Your body will warn you if your fears, doubts and guilt are not realistic – but you need to learn to recognize such signals.

Prawdopodobnie jesteś brany za pewnik, jeśli:

– your partner dismisses your emotions and needs, and refuses to communicate about them (or communicates through insults and refuses to consider your point of view)

– your partner is not willing to forgive or tolerate small mistakes

– your partner does not invest similar effort into your relationship as (s)he demands of you

– he or she refuses to compromise – but expects you to give up your desires and values

– he or she repeatedly disregards your previous agreements

– he or she expects you to take over most of the adult responsibilities (housework and/or finances)

– you don’t like your partner’s behavior, but you stay in hope that (s)he would change.

Of course, each of these ideas can be misinterpreted and twisted in many creative ways, so approach them carefully. Almost everybody has some moments of taking their partner for granted. This is to be expected – after all, whatever and whoever becomes a normal part of our lives, our brains try to fill them under “routine” and forget about them – so that we could focus on learning new things. In partnerships, we have to Nieustannie przypominać sobie, by nie brać innych za pewnik. A lapse here and there is understandable. But if somebody behaves in these ways more or less all the time, it’s time to seriously consider if this is what you want your foreseeable future.

If you allow somebody to treat you as described above, you were probably raised to not  zaufaj sobie dużo. Być może byłeś dzieckiem nieodpowiedzialnej osoby, więc branie na siebie większej odpowiedzialności stało się dla ciebie normalne. Albo miałeś so little experience with unreasonable people że nie można sobie wyobrazić kogoś, kto zachowywałby się w tak samolubny sposób bez dobrego powodu.

Check what do you hope for if your partner would change. If you hope for recognition, approval, acknowledgment… Być może jest to coś, co zawsze chciałeś otrzymać od swoich rodziców, ale nigdy tego nie zrobiłeś.? Weź pod uwagę, że być może próbujesz dokończyć ze swoim partnerem coś, co pozostało niedokończone z twoimi rodzicami.

Takie emocje z dzieciństwa muszą zostać rozwiązane w pierwszej kolejności. After that, you might need to practice trusting your feelings and expressing them in mature ways. If that doesn’t give results, you might need to end the relationship, except if you prefer to suffer. Fortunately, once you clarify your childhood emotions, you won’t feel anymore that your current partner is the only one for you and that your life would feel empty if you separate. You can go on and find a true adult relationship.

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