Emotional Logic: 6 Essential Rules

We tend to expect ourselves and others to behave in a sensible, rational manner. Yet under stress, most people behave irrationally. When our emotions are not triggered, it’s easy to see reason. But when something activates our childhood memories, a different set of rules begins to influence our behavior. We can call this “emotional logic.”

Emotional logic can feel convincing, even inevitable, because it once helped us make sense of situations we couldn’t fully understand. But over time, it becomes a quiet architect of our reactions, relationships, and self-image—often without us even noticing. What feels like “just the way things are” is more likely to be a deeply ingrained childish perception of reality that continues to shape our behavior long after the original context is gone.

Cytat od klienta, z którym ostatnio pracowałem:

“I don’t value myself, so if a girl falls in love with me, I automatically respect her less.”

Niech to na chwilę zapadnie w pamięć. W tym jednym zdaniu zawarta jest praktycznie cała powieść (a także godna podziwu świadomość i szczerość).

Emotional logic influences our behavior vastly more than any rational knowledge. In fact, more often than not, ludzie używają swoich racjonalnych umysłów do usprawiedliwiania swoich emocjonalnych popędów.

Too bad that emotional logic is often based on our childhood impressions in combination with our instincts and hormones. It makes perfect sense in a certain simplified way, but it narrows things down to a very limited, exaggerated and generalized perspective. Then it branches out, coloring our impressions and conclusions about our new experiences.

Więcej przykładów:

“I associate love with violence – so if somebody offers me love and attention, I become irritated and push them away, sometimes by verbal violence, even if I love them. Partly because I’m frightened, partly perhaps because aggression is allowed in close relationships, in my frame of mind.”

“My girlfriend was controlling and manipulative – but no matter how much I disliked it, that’s what made me feel safe and able to relax and let go of my own need for control. It’s like I felt ktoś had to control things, so better her than me, because I didn’t feel competent enough.”

“My mother used to tell me about my alcoholic father, “You are the only one who can solve this!” However, I didn’t dare even try to help father, because I felt I would have failed and thus taken away my mother’s hope. Now, as adult, I feel blocked when encountering problems – I’m afraid if I try, I will find out how much I don’t know – and I’m supposed to know it.”

“As a child, I needed to believe that I was the cause of my parents’ fights – otherwise I would have felt even less important. I wanted at least something going on around me, some emotions expressed, even if unpleasant. Now I find that I feel somehow comfortable and even in a weird way comforted within relationship chaos and emotional pain.”

Istnieje kilka wspólnych zasady do logiki emocjonalnej:

• • dzieci ufają swoim opiekunom i identyfikować się z nimi

• • dzieci starać się zachować ważne relacjeczęsto kosztem własnej indywidualności i wizerunku.

• • dzieci mają tendencję do wziąć na siebie winę i odpowiedzialność za to, czego nie mogą zrozumieć

• • Aby chronić się przed bolesnymi emocjami, dzieci tworzą mechanizmy obronne (takie jak gniew, unikanie, obsesja, manipulacja i niezliczone możliwe inne).

• • te wzorce stają się filtry dla kolejnych doświadczeń

• w sytuacjach problemowych nasze mózgi mają tendencję do uciekać się do zachowań, które wydawały się najlepsze w dzieciństwie.

These basic rules, interacting with individual experiences and circumstances, often create convoluted yet still rather predictable consequences, not unlike fractals created by mathematical equations.  That’s why exploring our deepest imprints together feels like science and art in the same time.

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