Question:
I live in a patriarchal, traditional environment. I am 30 years old and have had three short-term relationships so far, none lasting longer than 3 months. It’s clear to me that I fear intimacy, having been hurt and abandoned as a child, with my parents being ill. I have strong prejudices about local men from the town where I live and don’t think I will find a partner in this town. Could this also be a defense mechanism against intimacy?
I’m thinking about how my biological clock is ticking and how it’s high time for me to get serious and consider what’s practically available around me. However, I feel that I would have to make significant compromises in terms of the partner I envision finding (non-patriarchal, cosmopolitan, deep, educated and professionally oriented, ready to participate emotionally (not just financially) in our life and the life of our children)…
Have I set my criteria too high so that I will never find a partner?
Answer:
No, your criteria are not too high. Your criteria would be too high if you focused on superficial, external details like appearance, wealth, dressing, and the like. Your standards are intrinsic, and everything you mention truly impacts the quality of life. However, it seems that your environment is not up to them. What is “normal”, i.e., average, does not necessarily mean healthy.
The only comment on the criteria you listed is that a college education does not necessarily imply either wisdom or mental or emotional intelligence. Some people with a high school education can be more informed, well-read, and make better use of their brains than some with titles before their names. What matters is real, continuous, and self-initiated education, not necessarily formal.
We would not advise you to give up on your criteria because, in our opinion, it is better to endure the frustration of loneliness than to be in a bad marriage where you do not receive support, respect, and equality, and are burdened and limited by childcare. Getting married and having children under the pressure of biological urges, others’ expectations, or “shoulds” is a sure way to waste life in frustration. This especially applies to women, who are more vulnerable in a society that is still more oriented towards men. If most people refused to lower their standards (especially women who have a greater influence on children), society would change much faster.
One potential issue is that due to childhood experiences, you may unconsciously be attracted to people who are unavailable to you (or with whom you feel similar to in family relationships). Therefore, you may not feel “chemistry” with a man who truly meets all your criteria. This often happens. It is also possible that you fear commitment because you fear emotional pain that would arise from a possible separation. However, this is currently just a rational theory that may gain importance if you find a man who truly fits what you want but you feel afraid to enter into a relationship with him. Until then, it’s better to focus on expanding your circle of acquaintances. Also, focus on building a good relationship with yourself so that your (hopefully temporary) loneliness is more enjoyable.
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