社会的拒絶と気まずさを克服する方法

帰属本能

人間には、他者から受け入れられ、他者とのつながりを感じたいという本能的な欲求がある。私たちは自分たちだけでは生き残ることができず、部族として協力し合って生きてきた。 私たちの生存に不可欠 as a species. Through most of human history, and occasionally still in the present times, being different or not fitting in didn’t only mean social rejection – it meant your tribe could straight up turn against you and murder you, such as in “witch hunts” or “honor killings”. Even pack animals are known to show hostility to pack members who look different, like albino cubs. Often, it’s not only people who stick out in “negative” ways who are rejected – many high quality people end up rejected simply because they are different than average.

だから、私たち人類は、このような深い 拒絶反応, which makes us judge ourselves by others’ feedback – to question ourselves and form conclusions about ourselves based on what people around us tell us or how they treat us. This instinct is the strongest in a child, but adult people feel it too.

しかし、共感力、知性、権力欲など、他の個人的特徴や本能と同じように、所属し、受け入れられたいという本能もある。 誰にでも同じように強いわけではない. Some people don’t seem to have much of it. Even as children, they don’t suffer as much as most when they feel rejected, and as adults they don’t care much about fitting in. Interestingly, this is often exactly 多くの人が彼らを賞賛する理由 そして彼らのそばにいたいと思う。

部族の規則や期待が厳格なものであれば、それに合わせることがいかに制限的で負担になるかは感じている。 もっと自由になりたいと密かに願っている. Thus, paradoxically, it’s often the people with the strongest need to fit in who end up rejected, dismissed, or even bullied, because their fear of others’ opinions makes them shy, awkward and tense, which others don’t appreciate. Human mind and human nature are full of paradoxes.

家族の影響

私たちは大人として、主に社会的排除にどのように対処していくのだろうか。 子供の頃の経験による (besides the innate strength of our instinct to belong). As I wrote in the article “子供たちには挑戦が必要だ“, children who feel supported by their parents can much more easily cope with problems in the outer world, because parents are much more important to young children than the outer world.

しかし、もし親に拒絶されたと感じていたり、親から見て面白くなかったというだけであれば、家族以外の場所で拒絶されるたびに、自分に対する悪い評価が確認され、より深く切り込まれることになる。実際、私たちはそのことに気づかなかったり、すぐに気づいてしまったりする。 dismiss any feedback that doesn’t match the feedback we got from our parents – even when the external feedback is positive. This pattern can easily persist into adulthood.

親自身が社会的不適格を感じ、隣人から何か言われることを恐れていたなら、状況はもっと悪くなる。 親が恐れていることを、子どもはもっと恐れている特に、恐怖のために親が子供を罰するような場合には。このように、私たちの社会的恐怖や不適格感には、次のようなものがある。 世代を超えた – not only coming from our own childhood, but from our parents’ childhoods (and further).

子供の頃に物足りなさを感じることは、私たちを次のように駆り立てる。 大人として補いすぎる両親やより広いコミュニティが過剰に補う方法を真似るのか、それとも自分なりの方法を見つけるのか。ある人は ステータスシンボル, 人気者や権力者とつるむ (恋も含めて そのような人たちと一緒にいる）、人気のあるトレンドを追いかける。人によっては、それを補うために 苦戦 目立つために、地位を得るために、賞や評価を得るために。ある者は 彼らが受け取ることができるようにおそらく、犠牲者や殉教者として振る舞うことになるだろう。 あきらめる人もいる and become social recluses, trying to convince themselves that being accepted by others doesn’t matter to them.

大人であり続けるには

大人の日常生活で経験する他の多くのことと同じように。 無意識のうちに幼少期の記憶を呼び起こす と幼稚な感情も、受け入れられていない、仲間に入れてもらえていないという経験と同じである。子ども時代の記憶が引き金となり、私たちは次のようなことを始める可能性がある。 子供心 – exaggerated, generalized, self-centered, black and white. We may ignore rational explanations and focus on our childhood feelings of inadequacy, loneliness and self-blame.

It’s very important to まず、自分が過去に反応していることを認識する。 more than the present. You may mentally say to yourself: “These are emotions from the past” (or, sometimes, “This is my biology acting up”). Observe the feelings and ideas that come up and check what age they seem to belong to. When you are able to separate the past from the present, you might already feel much calmer and more objective.

少し時間をとって 心を落ち着かせ、内なる子供を慰める. Remind it that whatever happened in childhood wasn’t (all) your mistake. As soon as you have more time, use it to work on healing the relationship with parents. Try to 親に支えられているという実感を得る.もしあなたの両親が本当に毒親であったなら、想像上の健康な両親を作り出して、心の中であなたを支えるかもしれない。私たちの仕事では、家族の影響を癒すためのさまざまな適応可能な方法がある。

前もって準備する for potentially unpleasant social situations. If you are going to a gathering where you expect you might feel awkward, accept the possibility that people might not react to you the way you’d like. Imagine yourself comforting your inner child and reminding yourself of your qualities. Imagine yourself staying calm and adult and accepting of yourself. The more you can prepare up front to deal with such situations, the less they will surprise you and make you lose resources – and then if nothing else you won’t look and feel so awkward. A loner who accepts themselves is more relaxing to be around than a loner who is tense and uncomfortable.

実践的アドバイス

Next, recognize that just like most people don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in you, you also don’t have time and energy to be particularly interested in most other people. It doesn’t mean you dislike them and deem them unworthy, and the other way around. By adult age, most people have formed their “tribes” and are too busy with them to seek further. Once a tribe is formed, people find it more difficult (but not impossible) to accept new people into it. That doesn’t say anything much about yours or their personalities, it’s simply a fact of human life. Remind yourself of people who do like you and think well of you.

自分の部族を見つけるには、次のことが必要だ。 似た人を探す rather than trying to be accepted by most people. If you have an artistic mind, you are not likely to find much understanding among IT experts, and if you are an intellectual, you are not likely to fit in among sportspeople. Accept that you can’t be good in everything and fit in everywhere. Search for a smaller number of quality relationships, rather than being accepted by whole groups. Remind yourself that not having qualities one group of people demands, probably means あなたには他の資質がある 別のグループが評価するかもしれない。

それと同じように、ある人は否定し拒絶するかもしれないあなたの個人的な特徴も、ある人はそれを否定し拒絶するかもしれない。 他にもいくつかの強みがある。 and other circumstances. There is a lot of duality in our human lives, and many traits that are advantageous in some ways turn out to be problematic in other ways, and the other way around. A shy and sensitive person might not be very stimulating in a big group, but can be very empathetic and a good friend in private, or very creative, or very insightful. A serious person might seem intimidating to many, but people are usually serious if they think a lot, or are responsible, and they are often responsible and think a lot because they care – and/or they have busy minds and rich inner worlds.

So, focus on your strengths and build upon them, rather than dwelling on your weaknesses. Perhaps you have strengths – warmth, gentleness, intelligence… – your early environment taught you to hide rather than express. Consider how you can let them show again. Keep in mind that most people will be impressed by your character and communication skills rather than technical expertise.

Of course, you might be rejected because you are objectively unpleasant – aggressive, arrogant or (borderline) narcissistic. Such people are not likely to come to my website anyway. But in case you are, consider where such behavior might be coming from. In my experience, most aggression, arrogance and narcissism compensates for deep unconscious sense of inadequacy or even self-hatred, which you need to heal. The more you learn to like and accept yourself in a healthy way, the more you can be aware of others, appreciative and considerate to others.

努力する take a look at yourself through other people’s eyes. You might find that they were simply too preoccupied with themselves to pay attention to you – or you might feel there was something about you they disliked – perhaps you miss on social cues, or overcompensate in too obvious ways, or they confuse your shyness with arrogance or your seriousness with covert criticism (both quite common!), or they feel tense around a person who feels awkward.

もしこのようなことに気づいたら、自分を責めたり批判したりするのは避けよう（それはおそらく親の批判が響いているのだろう。）で述べたように ミスを恐れる気持ちを克服する方法それは 過ちは最良の学習方法. Consider what parts of your behavior you want to change and why, and what you don’t want to change and why. Keep in mind that some changes might be good for you, but too much conformism might make you lose some important qualities. Then explore how you can start changing the parts of your behavior you want to change. Take small steps, don’t fear mistakes but use them to learn more – and don’t overcompensate.

自分を鼓舞してくれる人、あるいは一緒にいて気分がいい人から学ぶ。 How do they communicate with others? What non-verbal signals do they send? What do they do that makes you feel good? Perhaps you cannot become quite like them without changing yourself too much – but some small changes might go a long way.

最後に せんてをとる. Learn how to use small talk and how to approach people – it’s easier than you might think! Present yourself as approachable, verbally and non-verbally. Seek people who look interested and open to communication, but don’t just wait for them to approach you. Be kind and 関心を示す – people are the most attracted to people who show clear interest in them. Yet keep your sense of balance, use your intuition and don’t pretend you are someone you are not, or agree with things you don’t agree. In short, be your best self but be genuine. Show your passion, talk about things that are important to you, but don’t expect everybody to agree or show interest.

Seek new activities which are at least somewhat interesting to you, and which make it possible to interact with people directly rather than being a passive audience to something. Mountaineering, dancing, art classes, scientific gatherings, self-improvement workshops, volunteering, literary evenings… use your creativity. The website ミートアップ には、カテゴリー別に分類された大きな町での多くの会合が掲載されている。もしかしたら、自分で何かを企画したくなるかもしれない。

Just like with looking for a job or a partner, you need to put yourself out there and check out many people to find out who suits you the most. Every experience is worth something. Even if you don’t feel at ease with most people, a small number of new friends is worth the search. Once you make a few friends, you might introduce them to each other – and then you might have your own little tribe.

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ミスを恐れる気持ちを克服する方法

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