Attachment Styles and Disorders & How To Heal Them

Adult attachment theory includes patterns of emotional attraction (related article: “恋愛関係のパターン“), as well as immature emotions or age regression (“感情の成熟“), joining them into a systematic overview of several most common approaches to love relationships. The basic idea is that the way parents treat a small child greatly influences the way the child (and later the adult) perceives emotional intimacy, and what they 親しい人間関係に期待する.

The theory itself is not something new – I’ve already written a lot on the topic of immature parents and how they influence their children’s adult relationships – but this kind of systemic approach brings another level of insight.

4つの基本的な愛着スタイルがあり、そのうちの3つは、感情が十分に強ければ（特に低品質な生活価値観と結びつけば）、愛着障害になる可能性がある：

安全なスタイル

Most sources I found dedicated only a few sentences to the secure attachment style, probably presuming that it’s self-explanatory (an interesting idea, said one of my clients). So here is my perspective of the secure style:

– People with secure attachment style are relaxed about emotional intimacy and perceive it as promising and pleasant, rather than threatening. They naturally 親密さは善意と相互性に基づくものと期待する操作やコントロールとは無縁であること。

– 彼らは自分が愛に値する人間だと認識している, so they are not likely to have intense fear of abandonment. They feel that, even if they were abandoned, their self-image is not dependent of somebody else’s choices. That’s why they are generally not needy or codependent.

– パートナーをユニークな人間として認識するさまざまな偏見、投影、転移を通してではなく。

– Yet, they don’t put their partner on a pedestal and, while they wouldn’t like losing their partner, they know if it happened there are other people in the world who might make great partners.

– They are バランスが取れる between their own and their partner’s needs, between giving and receiving.

– They are willing to 両者を見る そして、必要であれば、自分自身を調整する。

– They perceive the possibility of being 傷ついたり、がっかりしたり として付き合っている。 許容リスクなぜなら、彼らは別れが自分自身との関係を損なうことを恐れないからだ。別れの場合、彼らは悲嘆にくれる。 自分自身を精神的に支える 悲嘆に暮れる過程を通して。

– 感情的な脆弱性 人間関係において、軽い不快感はあっても、恐怖を感じることはない。

– They are able to 大人の感情と行動を区別する自分のものであれ、他人のものであれ。

– They have a certain amount of understanding and tolerance for their partners’ small faults, unintentional lapses and mistakes, because they don’t take them personally and they よかれと思う. However, they are able to set boundaries or end a relationship, if they decide it’s not healthy or they don’t share important life values with their partners (check also: “境界線の設定“).

つまり、安全な愛着スタイルを持つ人は、感情的な親密さに対して肯定的な態度を持ち、愛を与えたり受けたりすることにリラックスしている。 独自のアイデンティティを保つ. If they feel their boundaries are threatened, they try to find balance and discuss the problem respectfully. They don’t feel a need to control their partners, but they 協力を求める.

そのような人たちはたいてい 両親との健全な関係, at least in the first few years of their lives – meaning, parents were able to recognize and respond to the baby’s needs. Even if later in their childhoods the relationship with parents worsened, or parents used some unhealthy child-rearing strategies, the early experience of safe closeness stays imprinted in their subconscious minds.

Of course, these categories are never simple and “clean”, there is no clear boundary between them, so people with primary secure attachment style 他の愛着スタイルの側面を表現できるまた、幼少期の環境や現在のパートナーの行動にも左右される。例えば、不安型愛着スタイルを持つ人との関係において、その人が自分の境界線を侵害しすぎると、その人は、より棄却的回避的スタイルに典型的な行動を示すようになるかもしれない。

他のすべての愛着スタイルには、（意識的または無意識的な）何らかのものが含まれている。 感情的な親密さに対する不快な期待多かれ少なかれ 制御の必要性 over one’s partner. Such people often develop certain compensatory roles and games (or learn them from their parents), which reduces their authenticity in communication. This often creates circumstances in which the 否定的な態度が自己成就予言になるこれは、失望の悪循環を生み出しかねない。さらに悪化すると、そのような態度は単なる軽い問題習慣ではなく、愛着障害になる。

不安定な愛着スタイル、特に愛着障害の中核的な原因は、次のようなものである。 inadequate responses of parents to a child’s needs.これには、ネグレクトや暴力だけでなく、押しつけがましさや不健全な結びつきも含まれる。 感情的近親相姦 (チェック この記事)、あるいはコントロールしすぎ(親子、支配、罪悪感)を子どもの上に置いている。特に回避型の愛着スタイルを持つ人は、十分な支援やケアを受けられなかった可能性が高いだけでなく、多くの場合、以下のような状況に追い込まれている。 自分の親を支える ある意味では、その過程で自らを犠牲にしている。

不安先行型の愛着スタイル

If you hear of somebody referred to as a “doormat”, they probably have the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. These people tend to value a love relationship over most other life values, sometimes even over their own identity, even when a relationship is toxic. To keep a relationship, they can often 自分の境界線を無視して、期待されていることをする – or what they think is expected of them. They need continuous 自分が受け入れられ、愛される価値があるという安心感.

People with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style are very sensitive to even small changes in a partner’s mood and behavior. They can easily overreact to such signals, finding in them proofs that their partners don’t love them enough あるいは、相手に満足していない。不安を回避し、関係を失う恐怖を和らげようとするため、彼らはパートナーに自分への愛を再確認するよう、継続的に、時には過剰に要求することがある。これと 喜ばせる必要があるこのような人は、自分の境界線が攻撃されているとパートナーに感じさせるかもしれない。あるいは、そのような人はパートナーに 制御と操作 彼らだ。

もっと極端な例では、次のようなものがある。 被害者面する, using manipulation, passive aggression and emotional blackmail (related article: “感情的恐喝の見分け方“). In an even worse extreme, they can become pathologically jealous.

You can easily guess such a person has probably been neglected by their parents, or – perhaps even worse – their parents were unpredictable and inconsistent. Such a child feels that no matter how hard they try, it’s never enough. To protect themselves from the feeling they cannot rely on their parents, they take the blame upon themselves (unconsciously, of course) and their self-image becomes very negative. Their innate temperament is usually quite empathetic and cooperative.

恋愛においては、自分の価値を再確認し、抑圧された辛い感情を解消し、得る（稼ぐ？） the approval they didn’t receive from their parents. Usually, it’s one of the 避ける types that provides such a challenge and “helps” them reenact the atmosphere from their childhoods. This can end up in toxic and painful codependency. Even if they are abused, their emotional needs from childhood might keep them in a relationship for a long time.

不安回避型愛着スタイル

不安回避型愛着スタイルは、以下のように定義される。 現在進行中の内部紛争一方では不安先行型と同様の感情的欲求、恐れ、低い自尊心、他方では（しばしば怒りに見せかけた）脆弱性や親密さへの恐れ。要するに、これは非常に波乱万丈なのだ。 上記の「不安-取り憑かれ型」と「消極的-回避型」のハイブリッドスタイル の下にある。そのような人物との関係は特に波乱に満ちたものになる（そしてそのような波乱に惹かれる人もいる）。

他の慢性的な内的葛藤と同じだ、 対立の一方が和らげば、もう一方が高まる. In this case, as soon as the need for closeness is somewhat fulfilled, the need to sabotage the relationship to avoid intimacy takes over, and the other way around. Such people often “make mountains out of molehills”, 頭の中で不愉快なシナリオを描き、それが真実であるかのように振る舞う。.失望や虐待を恐れるあまり、落ち着いて他の可能性を見出すことができない。自分を責め、卑下し、次にパートナーを責めるというサイクルを繰り返すかもしれない。

幼少期の家族関係は、たいていさまざまな種類のネグレクトや虐待に満ちていた。子どもはおそらく、継続的な失望、傷つき、見捨てられ（身体的または精神的）を経験している。前のタイプと同様に、不安定で予測不可能な親は特に有害で、子どもは次のように感じる。 リラックスすることも、安心することもできない.繰り返すが、このタイプの人は、外的な承認や愛の証明を強く求めるが、そのような証明があったとしても、深く植え付けられた否定的な自己イメージのため、長続きするものはほとんどない。

嫌悪的-回避的愛着スタイル

初期の家庭環境もまた不健全であった。 親密さは危険で、息苦しく、脅威である to one’s own identity and freedom. Such people have as children unconsciously chosen the other extreme compared to the anxious-preoccupied style: they decided they don’t need close relationships感情的に自立しており、親密さは避けるべきである。このタイプの人々の生得的な気質は、特に不安先行型の愛着スタイルと比較して、権力本能の方に傾いていることが多く（これが最も重要な要因とは言いがたいが）、しばしば同じような行動をとる家族の模範に従う。

親密さを避けようとする決断の支え（あるいは原因）として、このタイプの人々は通常、次のようなものを身につける。 軽蔑的、批判的な態度 自分の感情的な分離や自律性を脅かす相手、つまり（潜在的な）パートナーに対してである。他人に不信感を抱き、他人の悪意を期待する。次のような方法で、痛みや失望から自分を守る必要を感じている。 感情全般を避け、否定する, so they can become very logical at the expense of their emotional intelligence and maturity. They keep their guard up, guided by the idea, “I’ll abandon you before you abandon me”.

This doesn’t necessarily mean the dismissive-avoidant type avoids romance, especially if their libido is high, but they will パートナーと距離を置く方法を見つける, not only externally, but also within their own minds. In milder cases, there can be a more or less subtle need to (mentally) criticize the partner, avoiding clarifying emotions, unreliability, discomfort with giving and receiving emotional (or other) support; they might be workoholic or use various other activities that decrease the chance for spending intimate time together. In more difficult cases, this can manifest as “blowing hot and cold”, promiscuity or verbal, emotional, and even physical abuse.

このタイプの人々 権力と支配を好む over their partners (and sometimes other people, too), because otherwise they are afraid of being controlled by others. That’s why they often choose partners with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style. To control their partners, they can use various forms of manipulations, including trying to decrease their partners’ self-esteem.

よりマイルドに愛着スタイルが棄却的で回避的な人は、内面はかなり温かく感情的で、内気で物静かでさえある。 予期せぬ不要な感情のブロック when faced with a chance for emotional intimacy with someone. Such blocks can manifest in subtle ways, such as overly high criteria when choosing partners, suspiciousness and questioning the future of a promising relationship, overreacting to a partner’s faults, unrealistic fears, falling in love with unavailable people and/or fantasizing about an ideal “soulmate” partner (sometimes that includes idealizing a love interest from their past).

不愉快な家族との好ましくない接触を避けるために、このような人々はかなり早い時期から次のような行動をとる。 cold, “closed” facial expression and body language.大人になると、そのことに気づかず、なぜ他人は自分との親密な接触を避けるのか、なぜパートナーは自分が感情的になれないと不平を言うのか、と戸惑うかもしれない。

Just like other attachment styles/disorders, it’s important to understand that all these defenses were developed as 生存戦略そして 真のアイデンティティを表さない and true emotional needs of these people. A person with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style might suffer just as much as anybody else after losing a relationship – sometimes more, as they might don’t have a network of friends for emotional support – but they will often suppress and deny their suffering, and dismiss their own emotional needs.

愛着スタイルと子育て

All the attachment styles (and attachment disorders in some cases) described on the previous page are not only active in a relationship with a partner, but in other close relationships too, such as with one’s own children. I wrote something in that line of thought in the article 人格の基本的な亀裂.

不安先行型の愛着スタイルを持つ親は、次のようなことができる。 侵す their child’s identity and boundaries, and can thus trigger the development of the dismissive-avoidant style in the child. A dismissive-avoidant parent can result in the child developing the anxious-preoccupied attachment. It’s also possible for a child to model a parent (often the same gender parent, but not always) and develop a similar attachment style as the parent.

よりマイルドに, an unhealthy parental attachment style only activates when the child is big enough to disobey parents and fight for their own autonomy, or when a parent decides the child doesn’t really meet their expectations. This usually means that in the first year or two of the child’s life at least, parents were responding to the child’s needs so the child had a chance to experience safe emotional bonding. If there are problems among parents, it’s important how old is the child when they start to manifest, too.

最悪の場合そのような子どもは、幼少期から両親のネグレクト、アンビバレンス、あるいは虐待にさらされている。そのような子どもは 安全な絆を感じる機会が少ない, so it can be expected they’ll grow up perceiving their negative expectations of intimacy as normal, obvious and instinctive (related article: “親密さへの恐れ“). If there are other family members who step in providing consistent love, for example grandparents, these problems can be somewhat mitigated, but not all children have such sources of support.

愛着のスタイルを変更することはできますか？

Yes… if you truly acknowledge your problems, take responsibility and are willing to invest time and effort into the change. People who do so are usually among milder cases and have had some chance to develop some inner resources and alleviate disappointments, so they can look at their behavior more objectively and empathize with their partners. 

責任を回避したり、外的な即効性のある解決策を求める人は、変わりそうにない。 愛着スタイル重要な人間関係が脅かされた場合、しばらくは努力するかもしれないが、たいていはすぐにあきらめる。 

どうやって？

– First, practice 自分の感情とつながる (related: “気持ちを観察する“). To be able to change your emotional reactions, you need to be able to recognize where they come from, what was the original cause, and separate your past from reality. That’s something you cannot do if you have a habit of avoiding your own emotions. While learning to accept your feelings, you also learn to…

– 自分を支える. If you don’t know how to support yourself through emotional pain and disappointment, you are much more likely to be afraid of those feelings and avoid the risk of experiencing them. Whenever we open up to another person, we risk being rejected and disappointed, but we also have a chance to experience love and acceptance. If you are not willing to risk the former, you are not likely to experience the latter. To be willing to take that risk, you need to trust yourself that you are able to deal with pain (check the article: “痛みと向き合う覚悟はあるか？“). To be able to do that, you also need to …

– 健全な自尊心を育てる. This doesn’t mean having to be something special; one of the best description of self-esteem came from a girl who said: “I’m totally fine with just being a human being among other humans, I have no need to set myself apart!” (This doesn’t mean losing initiative and ambition, as some might misinterpret it, but finding your motivation in your own pleasure of doing something, rather than comparing yourself to others.) 自尊心 手段 自分のミスや欠点を学習の機会ととらえる and you look forward to doing better in the future, rather than seeing them as something that labels you forever. (Related article: “自尊心とは何か？“)

– Learn to acknowledge your partner’s perspective. (This is primarily meant for the avoidants’ ears – or eyes, in this case; the anxious-preoccupied usually do too much of this.) This means, try to 積極的な意図を察知する in your partner’s behavior (this does NOT include justifying abuse, of course), if you are usually prone to criticism and creating unpleasant stories in your mind. 
For example, if your partner doesn’t respond to your phone calls for a while, consider what else might have prevented them besides “he/she doesn’t care enough about me!” If your partner is criticizing you, perhaps they want to negotiate how to improve your relationship rather than suffocate and control you? If something about your partner’s behavior is disappointing, it might not be because they are not “right” for you, but simply because people are different and nobody’s perfect? In other words,

–  物事を個人的にとらえないようにする. Of course, within reasonable limits. However, if some unpleasant behavior is significant or repetitive, you’ll need to…

– learn to set boundaries in constructive ways (check: “境界線の設定“). A common reason why people isolate themselves from others, or are too judgmental of others, is being afraid of not being able (or not being allowed) to set boundaries and protect ourselves.
もちろん、いったん境界線を設定することを学び始めると、さまざまな（たいていは利己的な）理由であなたを思いとどまらせようとする人も出てくるかもしれない。上記のように自尊心を高め、自分を支えてあげることは、そのような人たちとの付き合い方を学ぶときにも大いに役立つ。 
自分が境界線を設定できていると感じれば感じるほど、他人の前でもリラックスできるようになる。 一般的に、守備は実際に必要なときのために取っておくものだからだ。

– 安全な愛着スタイルを持つパートナーを見つけよう。 Such people tend to be healthier and more balanced in a relationship, so they are less likely to trigger your fears and defenses. Besides, “secure” people can have more patience while you work towards changing your attachment problems (under condition that you really invest effort and take responsibility for your issues), and would be able to give you more space and time without feeling threatened.

– パートナーに対して深く（しかし責任を持って）正直であることを実践する。. For example: “Right now I feel the need to be alone, it has nothing to do with you but it would help if I could spend some time by myself”. Or, “I’m upset at the moment and I feel threatened, but this is probably related to my past experience, not you.” If you can calmly and without accusations explain to your partner what is going on in your head, they are less likely to create their own (unpleasant) scenarios.

– 感情的なリスクを取ることに徐々に慣れる.泳ぎを習うとき、最初は恐かったかもしれないし、思わず水を飲んでしまったかもしれない。新しい仕事を始めたとき、おそらく居心地が悪く、何がうまくいかないのだろうと思っただろう。 人生でどのようなリスクを取ったにせよ、恐れはあっただろうが、努力する価値はあると判断したはずだ。 and you’d deal with whatever happens, one way or the other. Apply the same attitude to emotional intimacy. 

Perhaps you feel discomfort in your body or unpleasant images come to your mind? Acknowledge them, but do not give them power. Take a breath and dive in. Accept the idea that you don’t and cannot control everything, but 起こりうる問題に、その都度対処できる. You’ll probably learn to enjoy and have fun, just like playing in waves. And if you’ll need additional help, we are one email away.

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